The Beardsman/transcript

This article is a transcript of the Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years episode "The Beardsman/transcript" from season , which aired on .

• [Campers are talking to each other near the Krusty Kanteen.]
• Perch: [using microphone] Attention, campers! Today we're having a wilderness presentation from the greatest moutanin main of the sea, Paul Grunion, the Beardsman!
• Campers: Yay!
• [The camera pans down to something rustling in the tall grass.]
• Sea bear: [comes out from grass, roars]
• Campers: [scream]
• Bubble Bass: [points] That's not the Beardsman! That's a wild sea bear!
• Kevin: [yells and buries himself in the sand]
• Bubble Bass: [screaming and running] Run!
• All: [screaming and running around]
• Three anchovies: [toss a raft into the lake and begin rowing] Meep! Meep! Meep!
• Three campers: [scream and run away from their table]
• Sea bear: [tilts the table to eat the kids' slop, then tosses away the table]
• Camper: [holding patty] Oh! Uh! Ahh!
• Sea bear: [licks its lips, then chases after the camper, who repeatedly tries to chomp at his patty]
• Paul Grunion: [rowing on land in the distance] ♪ Oh, hey! ♪ [twirls an oar in his hand, then jumps over a rock, landing in a pose]
• SpongeBob: [points] Look! He's here! The Beardsman!
• Two campers: [running and screaming, then stop in front of Paul Grunion]
• Paul Grunion: [leaps to the sea bear and begins tackling it; at one point, the sea bear grabs him by the beard, but he tickles him] Tickle, tickle, tickle.
• Sea bear: [laughs, then they continue fighting]
• [Suddenly, Paul Grunion and the sea bear are playing checkers, both thinking.]
• Paul Grunion: [chuckles as he moves a piece]
• Sea bear: [swipes at the checkerboard, then they continue fighting, roars]
• Paul Grunion: [slaps the sea bear with his beard, making him lose balance and fall to the ground]
• Campers: [cheer]
• Paul Grunion: Well met, mighty sea bear. [picks up the sea bear] You are truly a force to reckon with. [shakes hands with the sea bear] Remember, always respect nature.
• Sea bear: [picks up the camper's patty with his tongue and eats it]
• Camper: [whimpers as the sea bear leaves]
• Campers: [as Paul Grunion raises his beard fist] Yay!
• Patrick: His beard is the coolest!
• SpongeBob: Having a beard like that is the only reason I want to grow up.
• Paul Grunion: [does the splits over a gap] Always leave the wilderness [closes the gap] in the way you found it.
• Campers: [cheer]
• Paul Grunion: [puts an apple on his head, then shoots an arrow in the air]
• [The arrow goes around the planet and slices the apple on Paul Grunion's head in half.]
• Paul Grunion: [chuckles, flexing his biceps to bounce the apple slices in the air, which land in the campers' hands] Waste not, want not.
• Campers: Yay!
• Patrick: [sadly] Oh, I'm hungry, too. [reaches in his pants] Ooh! [pulls out a hot dog] Spare hot dog! [puts the hot dog on a bun and gets ready to eat it]
• Paul Grunion: [gets in front of Patrick]
• Patrick: Huh?
• Paul Grunion: No one eats a mustard-less hot dog on my watch. [grabs a rock and squeezes it on top of the hot dog, which squirts mustard]
• Paul Grunion and Patrick: [laugh]
• Bubble Bass: [pointing] He squirts mustard from a stone!
• Patrick: I love you. [eats the hot dog]
• Paul Grunion: [tosses the squeezed rock] To survive in the wilderness, you must know how to make a campfire. Step one, chop your wood. [pulls out a log from his beard and chops it with his beard hand]
• Campers: Ah. Ohh.
• Paul Grunion: Step two, make fire. [flexes his muscles, moves his abs, and claps his beard hands together to set the logs on fire.
• SpongeBob and Patrick: Whoa!
• Campers: [cheer]
• Harvey: Wood!
• SpongeBob: [holds marshmallows on a stick in front of the campfire] I know know the true meaning of rugged!
• Paul Grunion: [juggling chainsaws] Anyone want to see more?
• Campers: Yeah! We do!
• Paul Grunion: [tosses the chainsaws aside] Then you shall. [wipes hands] But first, I need to take a power nap. I canoed three sleepless days to get here. [flexes his body to take off his flannel, which turns into a tent] I'll see you in 15 minutes. [enters the tent and snores]
• Patrick: [quietly to SpongeBob] I wanna see how he powers his nap. [tiptoes away]
• SpongeBob: Ha! [eats his marshmallow, then tiptoes with Patrick]
• [SpongeBob and Patrick enter the tent, where Paul Grunion is sleeping on a bed.]
• Patrick: Huh? Ooh! [he and SpongeBob run to Paul Grunion's beard, picks it up] It's amazing and [feels the beard] soft like hacksaw filings.
• SpongeBob: That's weird. I didn't think you could take a beard off.
• Patrick: SpongeBob, you don't sleep with a beard on. It'll get all wrinkly.
• SpongeBob: Wow. Even in repose he's teaching us a lesson in responsibility.
• [They both notice that Paul Grunion is now sleeping with his butt in the air.]
• SpongeBob: [pointing] Oh, no! He's waking up! Run! [both run off]
• [SpongeBob and Patrick are now hiding behind a coral tree.]
• SpongeBob: [wipes sweat] Phew!
• Patrick: [wearing beard] Man, that was close.
• SpongeBob: [jumps] Yow! Patrick, you took his beard? You gotta put it [points to the tend] back!
• Patrick: Sure, sure. [stroking beard] But don't you wanna try it out first?
• SpongeBob: Uhh, well, okay. [points] But we gotta put it right back.
• Patrick: Very well. [points at the ground] Hand me that piece of coal, son.
• SpongeBob: [picks up the coal and gives it to Patrick]
• Patrick: [tries to crack open the coal, and turns it into a diamond] Did it.
• SpongeBob: [jumps] Cool, a diamond!
• SpongeBob and Patrick: [laugh]
• Patrick: [tosses away the diamond]
• Snail: Meow.
• [SpongeBob and Patrick look up as the camera pans upward to a distressed snail on top of a coral tree.]
• Snail: Meow. [slides off] Meow! [uses its eyestalks to grab onto the coral tree] Meow!
• SpongeBob: Ooh! Lemme try, lemme try!
• Patrick: [rips off the beard]
• SpongeBob: Ooh! [puts on the beard, then flexes his beard while growling, then jumps into the air] Yip! [pulls up on a coral stump and switches the tree's positions with the stump] Wah! [takes the snail off the stump] There you go, little buddy.
• Snail: Meow. [slithers away]
• Patrick: [holding hands out, jumping] Ooh, gimme, gimme, gimme! [rips the beard from SpongeBob, making him fall; puts the beard back on and growls]
• SpongeBob: [gets up]
• Patrick: I'm gonna to make a campfire! [strains to make his beard hands clap and rub together, which sets the beard on fire]
• SpongeBob: Patrick, the beard!
• Patrick: [screams, tosses the beard and stomps on it] The beard's making the fire more brawny!
• SpongeBob: I-I'll be right back! [runs off]
• Patrick: [whimpers]
• SpongeBob: [comes back with an axe, hitting the beard] Die, fire, die! [Patrick runs away to help hit it with a shovel]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: [panting]
• Patrick: We did it, buddy!
• SpongeBob: Yeah, but look what we did.
• Beard: [coughs]
• Patrick: Aw, he won't even notice.
• SpongeBob and Patrick: [the beard turns into smoke, gasp, then scream]
• SpongeBob: [jumps] Now he'll notice that!
• Patrick: Don't worry, buddy. I have a plan.
• [Bubble transition to SpongeBob and Patrick peeking behind a rock behind the campers and Paul Grunion.]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: Huh?
• Paul Grunion: [stretches and yawns inside the tent, greeting the campers while wearing Patrick's shorts as a beard] Greetings, campers. Ready to get your wilderness on?
• Campers: Yeah! Huh?
• Sandy: What?
• Sea bunny: [appears near Paul Grunion, who pets him] Huh?
• Paul Grunion: Oh, oh, oh. Hey there, little buddy. [picks up the sea bunny] Remember, no matter how cute, don't feed the wild animals.
• Sea bunny: [slams Paul Grunion multiple times, wipes its hands, and hops away]
• Paul Grunion: That shouldn't have happened. [looks at his "beard"] Wait a minute. [feeling his face] This isn't my beard! [Patrick's pants come off his face] What happened to my beard?
• Sandy: [picks up Patrick's pants] I have a notion who might have some idea about what's goin' on here. SpongeBob? Patrick?
• SpongeBob: [appears with Patrick, who isn't wearing his pants] Oh, uh, hey, Sandy. Whatcha up to?
• Sandy: Mind explainin' why [tosses Patrick's pants] Patrick's pants [Patrick puts his pants back on] replaced Mr. Grunion's beard?
• SpongeBob and Patrick: [look at each other with guilt]
• SpongeBob: Oh, it's all our fault!
• Patrick: And I just wanted to see it up close!
• SpongeBob and Patrick: [cry]
• SpongeBob: And then we destroyed it!
• Paul Grunion: That-- that beard was the sauce of all my [tugs at face] robust wilderness powers!
• SpongeBob: Well, I guess you'll just have to grow your beard back, huh, Mr. Grunion?
• Paul Grunion: [cries] I can't! I never could. It just comes in all splotchy. [close-up of his stubby facial hair]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: Ew.
• Paul Grunion: [starts crying again, then hugs SpongeBob and Patrick as they cry with him]
• Sandy: [the trio stops crying] All right, buckaroos! Time to hop off your [points down] pity ponies and do somethin'!
• [Bubble transition to the Dinghy cabin, where Paul Grunion is sat on a stool.]
• SpongeBob: Don't worry, Mr. Grunion. One of these methods is [turns Paul Grunion around] sure to have you growing a new beard in no time.
• Patrick: [screams at Paul Grunion] Grow!
• SpongeBob: [looking with a magnifying glass] Hmm.
• Patrick: [looking] Hmm. No growth. Works for hiccups. [hiccups]
• SpongeBob: [rummages in the toolbox and pulls out a jellyfish tied to a stick, which he waves in front of Paul Grunion, then hits him with it to sting him]
• Patrick: [using a tape measure] Mm-hmm. Mm. Hmm.
• SpongeBob: [using a finger to feel Paul Grunion's chin] Nope. Still no growth.
• Patrick: [spins Paul Grunion around and sticks a plunger to his face, then manages to pull it off; looks at Paul Grunion's face in disappointment]
• SpongeBob: [spins Paul Grunion around] Wah!
• Patrick: Incoming! [uses a shovel to throw mud at Paul Grunion's face]
• SpongeBob: [holding a watering can] Soul plus water equals [waters the mud] growth.
• Paul Grunion: [looks at his beard grow flowers] Hm? [the flowers immediately wilt away after growing, leaving his face bare again] Oh, what's the use? I knew I couldn't grow a beard. [trudges off] Never could, never can. Never will.
• [Dark clouds cover the sky as Paul Grunion leaves the cabin.]
• Paul Grunion: [sighs and walks down the porch stairs]
• Sandy: [waves] Hey there, Mr. Grun-- ion. Aw.
• SpongeBob: [opens the cabin door, sad]
• Bubble Bass: [with drink, points] Look! [the others run to them] Paul Grunion's back!
• Harvey: Wait, still no beard. He's useless.
• SpongeBob: Hey, that is no way to speak to the Beardsma-- Paul Grunion.
• Paul Grunion: It's okay, SpongeBob. They're right. [walks up to the porch] The only thing I'm good for is being a doormat. [falls on his back to lie on the front porch]
• Patrick: [opens the door] Score! Free doormat! [gets on Paul Grunion, sweeps his feet on him, and walks back inside]
• Sandy: Poor Paul Grunion. He really doesn't believe in himself.
• SpongeBob: Sandy, that's it! [runs to the watchtower, climbs up the ladder, and uses the microphone] Wait a minute, everyone. Mr. Grunion doesn't believe he can grow a beard. So we'll have to believe for him.
• Craig: [stops lifting a weight] Craig can believe.
• SpongeBob: I need [points at Bubble Bass and Harvey] you to believe!
• Bubble Bass and Harvey: We believe!
• SpongeBob: I need [points to two campers] you to believe!
• Campers: Meep, meep!
• SpongeBob: But most of all, I need [points at the screen] you to believe! [screen turns black-and-white as an old-fashioned family watches]
• Family: We believe!
• Campers: [holding marshmallows near a campfire] We believe!
• Sea bunny and sea bear: [yelling with the caption "We Believe!"]
• Preda Tory and Roxie: [at their cabin] We believe!
• Kidferatu: [hisses]
• Campers: We believe!
• Paul Grunion: I.. believe? [gets up] I believe! [a light shines on his face as he laughs while his beard grows back, then claps his beard hands to make the weather sunny again, also creating a rainbow]
• SpongeBob: Ooh.
• Paul Grunion: You did it, SpongeBob. You made me believe! You made-- [SpongeBob turns around to show he has a beard as well] whoa!
• SpongeBob: Something wrong, Mr. Grunion?
• Patrick: [with a beard] SpongeBob, you totally have a beard!
• SpongeBob: Patrick! You totally have a beard!
• Sandy: Guys, [appears with a beard] everyone totally has a beard!
• Bubble Bass: [stroking his beard] We are wizards! [they all raise their arms] Huzzah!
• Larry: [using his beard fist to hit a punching bag on a rope]
• Craig and Mo: [beard arm wrestling at a table]
• Tall Tail: [lowers his giant beard onto the table]
• Boy camper: [chuckles, uses his beard to zip-line, followed by a girl camper]
• Kevin: [still stuck in the ground upside-down, gets out wearing a beard, growls]
• [The old-fashioned family is shown with beards, and the world is shown with a beard.]
• Paul Grunion: [saluting on top of his boat] I must be off. But, I'll never forget what you did for me today.
• SpongeBob: Fair thee well, Beardsman! We love you!
• Paul Grunion: [begins rowing in the sand]
• SpongeBob: [waving with his beard along with Patrick and Sandy] Goodbye, Mr. Grunion!
• Sandy: Farewell!
• SpongeBob: Your beard will live on forever in our hearts.
• Patrick: And on our faces!
• Paul Grunion: [rowing into the distance] ♪ Oh, hey! ♪ [the camera irises out on the sun]