The Bully/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "The Bully" from season 3, which aired on October 5, 2001.

[The episode begins at Mrs. Puff's Boating School. Snoring and yawning can be heard. SpongeBob is loudly arranging his pencils on his desk.]
SpongeBob: Excuse me, miss?
Incidental 7: I don't want to have to report you again.
SpongeBob: [laughs] I was just wondering... [points to the 'Homework' pencil; the other two pencils are labeled 'Quiz' and 'Essay'] ...is it the homework pencil on the left side of the paper next to the quiz pencil, or over on the right side all by itself? Or...
Incidental 7: I think it goes stuck inside your--
SpongeBob: Wait, I got it! The quiz pencil goes right over here next to the essay pencil, [moves the pencil] and the essay pencil gets turned sideways toward the notepad, [turns it sideways] just in case I have to write an essay.
Mrs. Puff: [walks in] Good morning, class. Sorry, I'm late. I got caught in traffic on the way in here when that whole 'I'm-going-to-be-doing-this-for-the-rest-of-my-life' thing reared its ugly head and I... [everyone stares at her blankly] Anyway, we have a new student starting today, so let's all put on a happy face for Flats the flounder. [opens the door to reveal a skinny flounder from the front but when he turns sideways, he's very large. The entire class, except SpongeBob, are all clapping wearing colorful smiling masks] Tell the class something about yourself, Flats.
Flats The Flounder: Well, I like to kick people's butts.
Mrs. Puff: [laughs] What a card! Now, Flats, it's time to pick your seat. Just go ahead and sit anywhere you like. [the entire class quickly moves their desks away from the middle of the room, except SpongeBob. Flats sits in the empty seat next to him] Okay class, as you remember last week [her voice gets drowned out] we started section blah blah blah blah blah speed blah blah blah blah blah red light blah blah blah blah blah ???? whail crossing...
SpongeBob: [to Flats] Hi, I'm SpongeBob!
Flats: Hi, SpongeBob. I'm gonna kick your butt.
SpongeBob: [gasps, then laughs] That joke was almost funnier the second time.
Flats: [leans over SpongeBob menacingly] No. I mean it.
SpongeBob: [giggles] That time it almost seemed like... [Flats rips off his chest hair to show a tattoo that says 'I mean it'. Horror-struck] ...you did mean it. [raises his hand] Mrs. Puff?
Mrs. Puff: Yes, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Can I be excused for the rest of my life?
Mrs. Puff: [chuckles] Why no, SpongeBob. I'm in the middle of a coffee-fueled sermon right now. You can't afford to miss this information.
SpongeBob: Yes, Mrs. Puff. [puts his hand down] Sorry, Mrs. Puff.
Mrs. Puff: Now, can I please have a volunteer to come up to the board? How about you, Flats? [Flats approaches the board] Please draw for us a diagram of a basic four-way intersection, Flats. [draws an image on the board] Please turn and show the class what you drew, honey. [Flats has drawn pictures of SpongeBob being beat up; he yelps in horror] My! How very creative! We have an artist in the class! [everyone applauds, except SpongeBob. Bubble transition to SpongeBob running in the halls and into the bathroom and hides in one of the toilets]
SpongeBob: I just don't understand. Why would Flats want to kick my butt? I haven't said two words to the guy! [cut back to SpongeBob saying "Hi, I'm SpongeBob!" SpongeBob counts on his fingers] One, two... [gasps] Oh, no, that's three! What am I going to do? [hears the bathroom door open] What was that? Someone's coming! They're getting closer. I've just got to act natural! [Incidental 37B opens the lid and sees a real sponge floating in the toilet]
Incidental 37B: Oh, that's real nice. [walks out]
SpongeBob: Phew, I thought for sure that was gonna be... [Flats opens the stall] Flats! Uh, hello, sir. Kick any good butts lately? Yeah, I remember last week, I was kicking this guy's butt real good. And he leans over and says, 'Hey, you know, life's like a bucket of wood shavings. Except for when the shavings are in a pail, then it's like a pail of wood shavings! [giggles; Flats looks dumbfounded]
Flats: Hey, that story really speaks to me.
SpongeBob: Really? What's it say?
Flats: It says now, I'm gonna kick your butt twice as hard. [leaves SpongeBob who flushes the toilet, making water spray out of his holes. Bubble transition to SpongeBob walking down the hall while writing on a clipboard]
SpongeBob: ...and I leave Gary's water bowl to Gary, and my curtains to... Oh Neptune, I just can't do this. [the school phone rings and SpongeBob picks it up] Death row, next in line speaking.
Patrick: [over phone] Hi, I'd like to place an order for delivery.
SpongeBob: Patrick? Is that you? [cut back to Patrick's rock]
Patrick: Yeah, hey, Mario. Let me get a large double olive, double-- [cut back to SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: Patrick, listen! It's me, SpongeBob! I need your help!
Patrick: [over phone] You're working at Pizza Castle now?
SpongeBob: What? No, listen! I'm in big trouble. There's a new guy at school here and he wants to kick my butt! Listen, you're big and strong, do you think you could come down here and maybe rough him a bit? Just to get him off my back? Please, Patrick, I'm so scared, it feels like I'm gonna throw up.
Patrick: [over phone] No, they're not closed. I know, you want olives.
SpongeBob: Patrick? You there?
Patrick: [over phone] Oh, I'm sorry, SpongeBob. I was just talkin' to my old community college buddy, Flats. [SpongeBob is horror-struck. Cut to Patrick's rock where Flats is sitting on the couch enjoying a beverage] I bumped into him at the soda store, isn't that funny? [cut back to SpongeBob. The background becomes black except for a white glow surrounding SpongeBob; SpongeBob slowly fades to the bottom right of the screen] It must have been years since we've seen each other. Well, let me get goin'. He's gotta go back to school soon. He says he's gotta kick somebody's butt. [SpongeBob drops the phone and runs away screaming] Hello? Is this Pizza Castle? [cut to Mrs. Puff's room where SpongeBob is still heard screaming. He smashes into the door]
Mrs. Puff: Come in, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Mrs. Puff, can I be in a different class?
Mrs. Puff: But why?
SpongeBob: I can't tell you.
Mrs. Puff: Why ever not?
SpongeBob: I just can't, Mrs. Puff. My physical being is at stake, let's just leave it at that.
Mrs. Puff: SpongeBob, you can tell me anything. You've got to believe that.
SpongeBob: Well, okay. But only if you promise to keep it between us.
Mrs. Puff: Of course.
SpongeBob: Flats says he's going to kick my butt!
Mrs. Puff: What? There shall be no butt-kicking in any class of mine! This is an adult program. SpongeBob, just leave it to me.
SpongeBob: Aw, thanks, Mrs. Puff. I knew I could count on you. [bubble transition to SpongeBob eating a sandwich outside for lunch. The bell rings and everyone goes back in the classroom]
Mrs. Puff: Have a nice lunch, SpongeBob? [walks in the classroom]
SpongeBob: Yes, Mrs. Puff.
Mrs. Puff: [whispers] SpongeBob, I talked to Flats for you. I used your name. [SpongeBob's face drops] It was all a misunderstanding.
SpongeBob: [shocked] You what?!
Mrs. Puff: He was never going to kick your butt at all! You see, SpongeBob, Flats is from a town where 'kicking someone's butt' means that he wants to be your friend. [in the background, Flats makes a SpongeBob out of sand and kicks it over. SpongeBob watches in horror] And maybe play some sports with you on weekends.
SpongeBob: [nervously] I got diarrhea! [runs off and sees an older flounder in a boat] Huh? Are you Flats' dad?
Mr. Flounder: Why, yes, I am!
SpongeBob: Okay, see, I didn't know where else to turn! Patrick couldn't help me, and Mrs. Puff only made it worse! I sit next to your son Flats in school, and he is a fine boy and all, and I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but... He wants to kick my butt! [Flats suddenly appears by the boat]
Flats: Dad, what are you doin'?
Mr. Flounder: [nervously] Uh, nothing, son.
Flats: What did I tell you about talkin' to strangers?
Mr. Flounder: [to SpongeBob, frightened] Now he's gonna kick my butt!
SpongeBob: [screams in horror and runs away through the whole town] Out of my way! Out of my way! [points behind him] Can't you see he's gonna kick my butt?! [a bunch of fish look over to Lonnie, the older fish at a bus stop]
Lonnie: Hi there, young people. Nice day today.
Harold: So, you like kickin' butts, do ya?! Well, we'll show you, old man! [the fish start beating up Lonnie while SpongeBob hides in a garbage can]
SpongeBob: Okay, okay. I gotta skip town, start a new life, live under an assumed name! 'BobPants SpongeSquare.' Yeah, that's good. Grow a beard, and then shave it off, and live happily ever after. [Flats appears behind him driving a garbage truck]
Flats: Yeah, except you forgot the part where I kick your butt! [SpongeBob gasps three times and runs off while still in the garbage can, with Flats chasing him. As he is running down the road, trash falls out of the garbage can, to which Flats chuckles. A banana peel falls out of the garbage can. Flats sees the banana peel on the ground and screams while attempting to slow down, but the dump truck runs over the peel, flipping upside down and crushing him. Cut to later where Flats is covered with cast in his entire body while lying in a bed in the hospital]
SpongeBob: Hey, Flats, you feeling better?
Flats: What? Where am I?
Dr. Gill Gilliam: [walks in] Why, you're in the hospital. This young boy saved your life. He performed CPR for five hours straight.
SpongeBob: Yeah. They said you'd be okay after the first few minutes, but I just wanted to be sure.
Flats: Wow, I'm touched. I'll have to remember that when I'm kicking your butt. [SpongeBob is thunderstruck, accompanied with glass shattering] Those flowers for me?
SpongeBob: [screaming as he runs out of the hospital] He's still gonna kick my butt! [the fish look at Lonnie at a bus stop again]
Harold: How many times do we have to teach you this lesson, old man?!
Lonnie: I love the young people. [the angry fish walk up to Lonnie. Cut to SpongeBob running back to his house, screaming]
SpongeBob: Oh, Gary! I'm too young to have my butt kicked! There are so many things in life I haven't gotten to do! [cut to SpongeBob in an office building at a desk, on the phone] Hang on, I'll transfer your call. [cut back to a knock on the door] Who is it? [door gets kicked down. SpongeBob sees Flats and screams] Flats!
Flats: It's butt-kickin' time.
SpongeBob: Gary, there's something I want you to know, but I'm too scared to remember what it is. [Flats cracks his knuckles with his hands, and then a nut cracker. SpongeBob breathes harder and harder. Flats brushes his teeth and gargles. SpongeBob breathes harder]
Flats: Let's do it.
SpongeBob: Go away, Gary. I don't want you to see this. It'll be ugly. [Gary gets out a camera from his shell]
Flats: Are you ready?
SpongeBob: Hold on. [puts a blindfold over his eyes] Okay, I'm ready. [Flats punches SpongeBob, but the fist harmlessly compresses his body] I said I'm ready. [Flats tries again but same result happens] Didn't you hear me? I said I'm ready. [Flats punches him again, this time SpongeBob giggles] That tickled! [Flats keeps punching him but nothing seems to hurt SpongeBob] Gary, I'm absorbing his blows like I was made of some kind of... spongy material! Do you know what that means? I get to go to work tomorrow! [cut to next day where SpongeBob is in the Krusty Krab kitchen, grilling, and Flats is still desperately punching SpongeBob. Then scene cuts to him playing cards with Gary] You have any sevens?
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: [chasing jellyfish, walking out of the bathroom, sleeping, and eating breakfast, while Flats is still punching him. Cut to boating school as SpongeBob is sitting at his desk and Flats is still punching. He passes out from exhaustion] Flats, are you okay? [everyone cheers] Do not cheer me, my fellow adult classmates. Flats was the real victim here. A victim of a society that's riding down a violent road to nowhere; a road I call... [clenches fist] ...'violence road.' [Mrs. Puff walks in]
Mrs. Puff: Sorry I'm late, class, I... [gasps as she sees SpongeBob's fist and Flats on the ground] SpongeBob! I can't believe you beat up a new student! [zoom out of school] I'm going to kick your butt!