The Commode Episode/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "The Commode Episode/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[The episode begins with Patrick juggling three colored balls on his show.]
Patrick: Juggle, juggle, juggle, juggle, juggle, juggle, and I'm all warmed up! [tosses them into the air and bounces them on his butt] Okay, Squidina, let's kick it up a notch!
Squidina: Roger that! [revs up a chainsaw and throws it at him]
[Patrick catches the chainsaw and juggles it with the balls, impressing the audience.]
Audience: Ooh!
Squidina: [grabs a battle axe and throws it at Patrick, grunts]
Patrick: [catches and juggles the axe]
Audience: Ohh!
Squidina: [lights a blowtorch, raises her eyebrows twice, throws it, grunts]
Patrick: [catches and juggles the blowtorch] Thanks! Ooh, ah, ah!
Audience: Wow!
Patrick: Nothing can stop me now! [small laugh, his stomach gurgles] Except a bathroom emergency! Squidina, pause it!
[Squidina presses a button on a remote to pause the show. The items Patrick is juggling slow to a stop.]
Patrick: Ha ha! [pants, runs and opens the TV screen] I need a volume-teer from the audience!
[Patrick picks up a girl in the front and puts her behind all the objects.]
Patrick: Now unpause it!
[The girl juggles the objects and screams. Patrick runs away.]
Patrick: Door! Get me a shortcut to the downstairs bathroom!
Bedroom Door: What's the big emergency, Patrick?
Patrick: Gotta go potty!
Bedroom Door: Oh no!
[The door swallows Patrick. He runs across a black and white pattern resembling piano keys, then a boot trips him and he falls into a minecart. He rolls down the tracks and falls into a meat grinder, which spits out multiple mini Patricks. They keep running and a hand smashes them back into a single Patrick. Patrick yells and runs up a zigzag path to a door. He exits and runs through the house. Cut to Cecil using a screwdriver on the bathroom door's knob.]
Cecil: Ah, there's no greater thrill in life than installing a new doorknob.
Patrick: [yells]
[Patrick runs into the bathroom and slams the door shut, leaving a trail of fire behind.]
Cecil: Oh! I guess that means we're done! [puts hands on hips] You still got it, Cecil. [notices doorknob on the floor] What is this? An extra doorknob?
[A door is heard opening. Bunny comes in with Tinkle on a leash.]
Tinkle: [barking]
Bunny: Is that a treat for Tinkle?
Cecil: Eh-- you bet it is! [tosses it] Here, Tinkle!
[Tinkle jumps up and swallows the doorknob. Bunny, Tinkle, and Cecil walk outside.]
Cecil: Shall we? [shuts door]
[Patrick flushes the toilet and washes his hands at the sink.]
Patrick: And now to exit the bathroom by gently turning the doorknob, [puts hand around the empty doorknob] which is always exactly where it's supposed to be.
[Patrick blinks twice and steps back. He looks at the missing doorknob.]
Patrick: Hmm. No doorknob.
Audience: Uh oh!
Patrick: [insane laughter, blinks, worried] It's okay. Nothing to worry about. I'll just push the door open!
[He pushes the door three times, then slams it with both hands twice, then bashes it with his shoulder three times. He picks up a plunger and hits it against the door three times. He gives up and pants heavily.]
Patrick: Guess I'll just wait until someone else comes in. [puts the toilet lid down and sits on it] I wonder how long before I starve to death in here.
French Narrator: [narrating time card] Ten minutes later...
[Patrick's skeleton is now on the toilet, missing its left foot. Patrick comes in from the side and sticks it on.]
Patrick: There! Glad I was able to kill ten minutes with this arts-and-crafts skeleton made from bar soap and toilet paper rolls.
Skeleton: You'll never get out! [echoing, lightning flashes]
[The camera quickly cuts between lightning, Patrick's scared face, and the skeleton. Lightning flashes again and the skeleton breaks apart.]
Patrick: Aw, man! [pounds on bathroom door] Is anybody out there!? [slumps against door] Aw, there's gotta be another way. [sees mouse hole] Hey! A creature hole! [crawls to it] Maybe whoever lives in there can help! [sticks mouth in] Hello? [puts eye next to it] Is anybody in there? Hellooo?
[Pan past a brick to the Dartfish Family headbanging to rock music.]
Patrick: Anybody? [sits down, blinks, then walks to door] Open recipe! Well, I guess I'm just gonna have to die in here. [screams]
[The camera zooms into Patrick's mouth and fades out on the girl juggling and screaming.]
Squidina: [exasperated groan] I don't know how much more of this screaming I can take! [checks watch] What the heck is going on with Patrick?
[Cut back to a nervous Patrick in the bathroom.]
Patrick: I gotta get out! [jumps into sink]
Bunny: [enters] Oh, let me help you, Patrick!
[She pulls him out of the sink and smashes flat against the door. Patrick has hair on his head and his neck is twisted. He shakes it back to normal Bunny springs back from the wall.]
Bunny: Hi there, son! How's your day going?
Patrick: [touches door] The door, the door! [bashes it with his shoulder twice] Aw, it's no use. We're trapped.
Bunny: Oh, what you call "trapped", I call "mother-son bonding time"! [looking around] And maybe I could clean this place up a bit while I'm at it!
Squidina: [kicks door up] We're ruined! [paces around the room] This show is a travesty! Unscheduled bathroom breaks are eating into our budget, and the budget is tight enough as it is!
Bunny: [takes mop out of her dress, humming]
Squidina: I need to sit down! [assumes the fetal position in the corner]
Bunny: [takes cleaning supplies out of her dress, puts gloves on]
Patrick: Squidina! The door's locked from the outside, and I need help getting it open!
GrandPat: [slams door on Patrick, wearing towel and shower cap] 3 o'clock! Second Wednesday of the month! You know the drill! [checks watch] It's time for GrandPat's monthly shower!
[GrandPat trips over the bathtub and goes into the shower. Bunny steps on the toilet and cleans the sink.]
Patrick: You guys! The door! We're trapped!
Cecil: [smashes door down, singing with a karaoke machine] She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes! She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes! She'll be coming around the mountain, she'll be coming around the mountain, [GrandPat opens the shower curtain and dances] she'll be coming around the mountain [high-pitched] when she cooomes!
[GrandPat does a dance on the door as Bunny and Squidina watch. Everyone gesture to GrandPat.]
Cecil: GrandPat star, everyone!
GrandPat: [poses, kicks door closed]
GrandPat: Oh, aah! [panting]
Squidina: Great work, GrandPat! [shakes his hand] As always!
GrandPat: [towel slips down, he picks it up] Thanks!
Bunny: Wonderful, pop!
GrandPat: You too! [to Cecil] And them pipes, son!
Squidina: Yeah, Dad! Great singing!
Bunny: Amazing!
Cecil: Aw, shucks.
Bunny: Anyway, I've got a turkey in the toaster.
GrandPat: [points to forehead] I've got brain surgery this afternoon!
Cecil: I have to [lifts leg to show a wart] grow a new wart!
Squidina: [checks watch] And I gotta get back to the Patrick Show!
Stars: So... I better get going! [they all look at the doorknob and gasp, then face the camera] Where's the doorknob!?
Patrick: [lifts head from floor] That's what I've been trying to tell you.
GrandPat: What!? [shakes Patrick's shirt] You mean we're trapped in here!?
Patrick: Yep. [GrandPat drops him]
Squidina: Okay, think! Panicking isn't going to help us get out of here, so everybody, let's just-- [inhales deeply, then exhales] --and calm ourselves down
[The Stars all take a deep breath and then scream. They do this two more times. Pan to Granny Tentacles' house.]
Granny Tentacles: [growls] That's the worst barbershop quartet I ever heard!
[She gets up, growls, and knocks on the bathroom door.]
Granny Tentacles: What's going on in there? [enters door]
Stars: Don't close the--!
[She shuts the door.]
Stars: ...door.
[SpongeBob is walking past the house. He hears Granny Tentacles screaming.]
Granny Tentacles: [screams] Help! Heeeeelp!
SpongeBob: Don't fear, fair neighbor! [runs to house] Help is on the way! [opens door] SpongeBob to the rescue!
Stars: Don't close the--!
[SpongeBob runs in. Rube, holding his crotch, comes in.]
Rube: Sorry, folks, but I need to use the loo! [comes in]
Stars: Don't close the--!
Rube: Where's the doorknob?
[A plumber walks up.]
Plumber: [knocks on door with plumbing wrench] Here to fix the pipes. [enters]
Stars: Don't close--!
[A saleslady with a toilet brush and a suitcase comes up.]
Saleslady: Knock knock! Can I interest you in a lovely new toilet brush? [enters]
Stars: Don't clo--!
[A pizza delivery man comes in and knocks on the door.]
Pizza delivery man: Uh, somebody order pizza?
Patrick: [peeks in through doorway] I did!
Pizza delivery man: Okay, fellas, bring 'em in!
[Some anchovies carrying pizzas run into the bathroom.]
Stars: Don't--!
[Police lights flash. A robber with a bag of money knocks on the door.]
Robber: Let me in! Let me in! [runs in]
Stars: Don--!
[Police cars drive in. A crew of pirates comes in.]
Pirate: The treasure be right through here!
Pirates: [shouting]
[A large line of people is outside the bathroom, asking questions. At the back, a female fish joins the line.]
Female fish: Say, what's everybody lining up for?
Male fish: I don't know, but it's gotta be good!
[Everyone is crammed into the bathroom. The police car revs its wheels.]
Squidina: Eh, Patrick -- ow -- what are we gonna do? What about the show?
Patrick: Well, our phone audience is in the bathroom!
[The three audience members from earlier are in the room. One waves.]
Patrick: Why don't we just do the show right here?
Squidina: That's a great idea!
Patrick: Alright! [jumps to the front and brings the girl in, who is still screaming, pauses it]
Audience: Ooh!
Patrick: [hits the girl away with his butt, steps in, unpauses and keeps juggling] Juggle, juggle, juggle, juggle, juggle, juggle!
Audience: [cheering]
Girl: [stuck in the wall, weak clapping]
Daddy Dartfish: [enters] Hey hey hey, you don't gotta beg! 'Cause the party has arrived!
Sister Dartfish: Dad, you're so embarrasing.
Teensy Tom: [nods] Mmm-hmm.
Daddy Dartfish: [blank expression, then looks up at Patrick] Is that Patrick Star I see? Well, howdy, Patrick! How's things!
Patrick: Oh, you know, same ol', same ol'. Doing the show, locked in the bathroom, you know how it is.
Daddy Dartfish: Locked in the-- well, have you tried sending a message to anyone? [smirks] Maybe with that bottle you've been juggling the whole time?
Patrick: [gasps, drops items, picks up a bottle] I have been juggling a bottle the whole time!
Daddy Dartfish: Yep! That's your ticket right there! Ol' message in a bottle!
Patrick: But I don't have any paper or pens.
Daddy Dartfish: Well, gosh! I suppose I could be your message in a bottle!
Patrick: Okay! [puts the bottle over Daddy Dartfish] Uh, Mr. Dartfish, sir, you're our only hope! You understand your mission?
Daddy Dartfish: [salutes] Sir, yes, sir!
Patrick: [corks bottle] Good! 'Scuse me, folks. Just gotta reuse this background. [lifts up layer of background characters, walks to the toilet, throws the bottle in, and flushes it] Good luck, soldier!
[Daddy Dartfish spins down the toilet. Patrick stares at the bowl.]
Patrick: [to camera] I just flushed my neighbor down the toilet. [pulls down background layer] How about you guys? Doin' alright? [toilet bubbles] Huh?
[Shot of the toilet. Patrick gasps as everyone else is seen behind him. The toilet launches out a giant stream of water.]
Patrick: Huh?
[Tinkle comes out of the toilet.]
Patrick: Tinkle!
Daddy Dartfish: [appears on Tinkle's tongue] And me! It wasn't easy, but I found help! And, [takes doorknob out of pocket] this doorknob! Ta-da!
Patrick: Huh? [picks up doorknob] Ah!
[Patrick puts the doorknob back into the hole in slow-motion. The door opens.]
Patrick: We're free! But in a way, I'm gonna miss this time we shared together. I almost wish it would never end!
[Everyone stampedes over Patrick, flattening him onto the ground. Old Man Walker comes out, walking slowly.]
Old Man Walker: [grunting]
[A hook pulls him off-screen.]
Old Man Walker: Whoa!
Patrick: [springs back up] Well, I'm starving. If only I had a-- [sees doorknob] Ooh! Who left this doggie treat here? [eats doorknob, swallows] and points to door] I wonder what--
[The girl slams the door shut. She notices the audience and screams.]