The Dated Game/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "The Dated Game/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[The camera pans down to Patrick at a park.]
Patrick: Hey, everybody! We're down at the park today for a brand new segment called [red box with the text "Grand Slam!" appears on-screen] Grand Slam! Where we watch two old geezers savagely roast each other. Enjoy.
[Granny Tentacles and GrandPat are having a picnic, each eating a sandwich.]
Granny Tentacles: What kind of man asks a lady on a date and then hogs the entire picnic blanket? [both growl at each other]
GrandPat: Well, what kind of lady offers to make sandwiches and then skimps on the olive loaf? [pulls out an olive loaf from his sandwich]
Squidina: [holding a camera] This is good stuff!
GrandPat: After thousands of years on this planet, you'd think you would learn how to make a decent sandwich!
Granny Tentacles: That's a bunch of baloney!
GrandPat: A bunch of baloney is exactly what this thing needs! [tosses sandwich ingredients into the air]
Granny Tentacles: You know what?!
GrandPat: What?!
Granny Tentacles: [grabs her walker and leaves] This is the last time you criticize my cooking! I'm leaving!
GrandPat: What?! Ah, you'll be back!
Granny Tentacles: [extends her neck to face GrandPat] No, I won't! I'm breaking up with you! [retracts neck]
GrandPat: [sadly pulls out a wrinkly heart from his body, which breaks into pieces; starts sobbing as he picks up the pieces and tries to put two together]
[Squidina turns the camera to face Patrick with the "Grand Slam!" text box again. She waves her arm at Patrick.]
Patrick: [sweating, looks around] Oh. [nervously chuckles, pulls out the text box, leaving a square black hole] Grand Slam, everybody! [sound effect of kids cheering and a baseball being hit] Hope you all enjoyed it.
[The screen turns to static as it cuts to the Star house at night. The microwave beeps as Bunny is raised to the kitchen via a circular platform.]
Bunny: Dinner's ready! [pulls the microwave from its socket, creating a hole in the wall, then sets the microwave on the table]
Cecil: Oh, boy, oh, boy!
Bunny: [activates a chainsaw to slice the microwave into pieces and serves trays of food to Cecil, Patrick, and Squidina] Kids, have you seen your grandfather today?
Patrick: Yeah. We shot a really wacky bit with him earlier.
Cecil: He didn't get hurt or anything, did he?
Squidina: Not physically.
[Cecil and Bunny look at each other as they hear creaking.]
Bunny: What is that squeaking sound? [Cecil looks under the tablecloth]
[Everyone looks outside through the window to see a depressed GrandPat rocking in a chair in the middle of the road.]
Cecil: The ol' rocking chair of sadness.
Bunny: Oh, for cryin' out loud. [comes outside with a dinner tray] GrandPat, your dinner is getting cold!
GrandPat: Not as cold as this cold, cruel world.
Bunny: Well, at least get out of the street! You could get run over!
GrandPat: If I'm lucky.
Bunny: [sets down the dinner tray] I'll just leave this here. [tiptoes, then runs back inside]
French narrator: [narrating time card] Five hours later...
[GrandPat is still rocking in his chair in the road, and a bunch of sea urchins have taken over his food. Several vehicles in a long line have stopped in front of GrandPat, honking their horns.]
Squidina: [laughing crazily in her bed, exhausted; gets up to put on her glasses, and breaks through the bedroom door] Patrick, you up?
Patrick: [in his bed, exhausted] Yup. [falls to the floor]
Squidina: Listen, if we want to get any sleep for the next few weeks, we're gonna have to get GP and GT back together.
Patrick: What's GP and G--
Squidina: GrandPat and Granny Tentacles.
Patrick: But how do we get 'em back together?
Squidina: [creating sparkles from her tentacles] With the magic of TV!
Patrick: Who's TV?
Squidina: [angrily pulls down a background card; narrating as text shows up on-screen] And now, The Patrick Show presents... "I Guess You'll Do!"
Patrick: [gets in front of the camera with a microphone] Hey, everybody! Check this out! My micro-thingy looks like a lollipop.
[A stage light turns on to show Granny Tentacles in a chair.]
Granny Tentacles: What the...? [looks around] How did I get here?
Squidina: [off-screen] Will today's bachelorette be old and lonely forever? Or will she settle for love and say, "I guess you'll do," to one of our three... [three spotlights shine on the three bachelors, two being Slappy and Larry, with the middle one missing] bachelors? [through her headset] Patrick! You forgot to grab GrandPat!
Patrick: [licking his microphone] Oops! Hang on! [runs off and grabs GrandPat still in his rocking chair, then drops him onto the seat, who slumps]
Squidina: [off-screen] Our three eligible bachelors will now compete for love.
GrandPat: Love? What's the point? You only get your heart broken. [sobs]
Patrick: Can you tone down the sadness a little? We're on television!
GrandPat: Television? [gets back onto his seat] Well, now I'm angry. [growls]
Patrick: Let's play the game! [moves next to Granny Tentacles] The bachelorette will now ask the bachelors some questions. [shoves the microphone into Granny Tentacles' face]
Granny Tentacles: [reading a card] Bachelor number one, what's your favorite color?
Slappy: My favorite color is... [with a live-action mouth] periwinkle. [giggles, now with a halo and angel wings]
Granny Tentacles: Bachelor number two?
GrandPat: [with gray eyes] I don't know. I got cataracts! [laugh track]
Granny Tentacles: Bachelor number three?
Larry: Red, except when I'm being boiled. [applause as he flexes his pecs]
Patrick: [to Granny Tentacles] Do you feel a connection with anybody yet? [puts the microphone on her nose]
Granny Tentacles: Yes. [pushes away the microphone] I like bachelor number three. I can tell by the sound of his voice he's got muscles!
GrandPat: Yeah, he's got muscles, all right. [taps on his head] Muscles for brains!
Larry: [crosses his arms] Aw, you're just jealous. [looks at the camera] Am I right, ladies? [ladies in audience voice approval; laughs] Yeah.
Granny Tentacles: [purrs] What a charmer! [giggles, blushes]
Squidina: [pushing buttons on her control panel] Oh, no! Number three is winning. [looks at her clipboard] I've gotta stop him, but... Hey! What if GrandPat was bachelor number three?
Patrick: [listening to Squidina] Got it! [moves Larry and GrandPat so they swap places, then runs back to Granny Tentacles, panting and holding out the microphone]
Granny Tentacles: Well, bachelor number two, why don't you keep telling me about bachelor number three's big muscles?
Larry: [microphone is thrown at him] That's me! Muscles, huh? [looks at GrandPat] Hmm... Well, I'm lookin', [grabs GrandPat's head] and I'm bein' real thorough here, and no muscles. [camera zooms further and further into GrandPat's wrinkles] Just the deepest wrinkles I've ever seen. So deep, it's almost like... [voice pitch lowers] I could get lost in them. [eyes turn rainbow, then Patrick nudges him with his microphone, sending him inside GrandPat] Whoa!
Patrick: Well, looks like bachelor number two had to [nudges GrandPat] step out. But we still have [holds up two fingers, audience cheers] two dashing fellas left! [goes back to Granny Tentacles]
Granny Tentacles: Next question. What is your idea of a perfect date?
Patrick: [comes out of the middle seat] Bachelor number three?
GrandPat: Perfect date? [takes microphone] March 12th, 15,000 B.C. [fade to himself as a caveman during the stone age, who scratches himself] The date I invented fire. [lightning strikes logs in front of him to set them on fire] Also the date I invented [caveman GrandPat pulls out a large drumstick over the fire to cook it] roasted woolly clammoth [caveman GrandPat puts an olive loaf slice onto the drumstick] and topped it with some olive loaf. [his caveman self eats the drumstick] Greatest date in history, if you ask me. [screen fades back]
Granny Tentacles: Ahh, the Paleolithic. [rapidly shakes head] Wait a minute! Not that kind of date! What would you do for a romantic date? [hearts release from her]
GrandPat: [gnawing on a bone] Same answer. And bring your own clammoth! [continues gnawing]
Patrick: Well, how about you, bachelor number one? What's your perfect date?
Slappy: Why, thank you for asking, Patrick. [pan up to some text that reads "Das Perfekte Date Von Slappy"] My perfect date would be [a black-and-white version of Granny Tentacles appears] just a lovely stroll through the park [a black-and-white version of Slappy waves at Granny Tentacles, then shows her a bouquet of eyeball flowers] on a bright, sunny day. [black-and-white Slappy and Granny Tentacles hold hands and skip along a path] That way, the master won't be able to... disturb us. [a shadowy figure turns around and looks with its eyes, jumping at the camera; grins]
Squidina: Yeesh, what a creep. Surely Granny Tentacles can't-- [sees Granny Tentacles in love]
Granny Tentacles: Hubba-hubba! [her heart eyes pulsate]
Squidina: [sighs] Of course. [bangs her fist into her hand] Time for plan B. [hits a red button, setting off an alarm]
[Cell bars appear on the doors, frightening the bedroom door.]
Slappy: Huh? What's going on? [gets grabbed by a metal claw] Let me go!
Patrick: [as a sign with the words "Special Guest" is seen] It's time for a special guest! [pan down to a locked trapdoor that gets broken] Please welcome to the stage...
Slappy: No. No, it can't be! [black hands crawl out from the hole] No! [red eyes appear above the hands] Not Master! [the creature crawls along the floor]
Granny Tentacles: Who the heck is the special guest?!
Slippy: It's... it's... [grabs Slappy] his girlfriend! [bites Slappy's head and takes him away under the trapdoor]
Slappy: No! [screaming as the trapdoor sinks]
Patrick: Well, looks like you're the only bachelor left, bachelor number three! That means you win by assault!
Granny Tentacles: [off-screen] What?!
GrandPat: It's "default."
Patrick: It's nobody's fault. How do you feel?
GrandPat: I feel... I feel... I feel like my heart's been [starts crying] shattered into a million pieces. Like I'll never love again! And... And... [rapidly shakes head] I mean, I don't feel nothin'! [crosses arms] Whatever.
Patrick: You heard him, folks! [party poppers go off as a banner with the text "Whatever!" opens up] Whatever!
Granny Tentacles: "Whatever"?! [growls] I am no man's "whatever"! That's it! I'm leavin'! [pulls her purse from her seat and leaves]
Patrick: Uh... [stammers]
GrandPat: I'm leavin', too. Can't abide a game show host who forgets to put on pants. [points to Patrick, who has no pants on; laughs]
Granny Tentacles: [laughs as she is about to open the bedroom door] Well, it's not like you can fit a brain in that traffic cone head of his. [laughs as a traffic cone falls onto Patrick's head]
GrandPat: Not to mention he's built like a water balloon! [Patrick's body turns into a water balloon]
Granny Tentacles: And he's got arms like a couple of hot dogs! [Patrick's arms turn into hot dogs, and he flails]
GrandPat: And his legs! His legs! [audience gasps as Patrick's legs grow muscular] Well, he's got nice legs.
Granny Tentacles: [laughs, wipes tear] Oh, all right, bachelor number three. You won me over after all. What say we blow this popsicle stand?
GrandPat: [pulls Patrick's underwear over his head, leaves] I'd be delighted! So, baby, [Granny Tentacles puts her hand on his arm] you ever ride shotgun on a mobility scooter?
Granny Tentacles: I can't say that I have. [both leave as the bedroom door closes]
Squidina: Well, we did it, Patrick! Somehow.
Patrick: [mumbles with his underwear still over his head]
Squidina: Sorry. What? [pulls Patrick's underwear off from his head]
Patrick: Oh. I said... [mumbles, blows raspberry]
[Outside, Granny Tentacles is riding with GrandPat on his mobility scooter.]
Granny Tentacles: So, GrandPat, what are we gonna do on our first date? [laughs]
GrandPat: How's about I pick up an olive loaf and we see where the road takes us? [they ride into the sunset as a heart-shaped iris out closes and shrinks into three heart-shaped bubbles that pop]