The Haunting of Star House/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "The Haunting of Star House/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[The episode opens with an exterior shot of the Star family house. Squidward is seen walking over to it with a mail bag, frustrated.]
Squidward: [grumbling, approaches door, rings doorbell]
Cecil: [opens door, wearing nothing but a towel and shower cap] Hello, friendly neighborhood paper boy. What can I do for you today?
Squidward: I'm here about the money, Mr. Star.
Cecil: Money? [chuckles] Oh, I don't need any money, but thanks for asking.
Squidward: Wait, no. [Cecil slams door in his face, groans, raises fist] No, you big pinhead! You owe me newspaper money! Huh? [opens mail slot, peeks inside] Hmm.
Cecil: [humming, climbing stairs] ♪ Shower. ♪ [enters bathroom, jumps into bathtub, starts singing while using bath sponge]
Squidward: [through bathroom window] Fork over three bucks!
Cecil: [screams, runs out of tub]
Squidward: [loses balance, falls down, tentacles sticking to the house's walls] I'll be back, you deadbeat!
Cecil: Bunny, there's a prowler on the loose! [falls down stairs and onto chair, then a white blanket covers him]
Patrick: [comes in via skis, with ski poles in his eyes] Mom, have you seen my ski poles? [takes ski poles out of his eyes] Never mind.
Cecil: [moans underneath blanket]
Patrick: It's a [shivering] g-g-g-ghost! [color falls off of him]
Patrick's color: [whispering indistinctly to Patrick]
Patrick: You're right. [color comes back] This would be great on my show! [laughs and runs off, then returns with Squidina and her camera] [points at "ghost"] Look, Squidina, [Squidina gasps] a real live ghost.
Cecil: [moans]
Squidina: Oh, [puts goggles on Patrick] perfect. Let's do a Ghost Peeker segment. [aims camera at Patrick] And action.
Patrick: [looking at camera] Welcome to "Peek-A-Boo"! [the word "BOO" appears on-screen] I've just seen a ghost. [takes off goggles, comes closer] Look how big my pupils are.
Pupils: [screaming]
Patrick: Now it's [points at camera] your turn.
Cecil: [moans]
Patrick: [pokes Cecil] Peek-a-boo.
Cecil: [moans, gets up and takes off blanket] Peek-a-boo. [puts blanket back on]
Squidina: Daddy?
Patrick: Peek-a-boo.
Cecil: [takes off blanket] Peek-a-boo.
Patrick: Peek-a-boo.
Cecil: [holds up blanket, then lowers it] Peek-a-boo.
Patrick: Peek-a-boo.
Cecil: Peek-a-boo.
Patrick: Oh, Dad, you're no ghost. [sad] Why can't we have real ghosts in the house. Peek-a-boo!
Cecil: [giggles, wraps arm around Patrick's shoulder] Sorry, son, but we can't afford ghosts. Haunted houses are for the rich. Peek-a-boo!
Patrick: [head sags, walks away, tosses goggles] Gosh darn it. I want to peek at ghosts.
Squidina: Aw.
Patrick: [sobbing, walking into his room as his tears push door open]
Squidina: [runs up to Patrick to hug him] Oh, cheer up, bro. I know where to find ghosts for cheap. [jumps and pulls down TV]
[The TV shows a man and a woman on a couch. The woman is visibly annoyed.]
Man: [blabbering, laughs]
Woman: [sighs]
Man: [blabbering]
Flying Dutchman: [appears, points to camera] Do you have a boring houseguest who won't leave?
Woman: Huh? Uh-huh.
Ghost: [appears through wall] Boo!
Man: [screams, runs away]
Flying Dutchman: [pointing to camera] Get a ghost. [flies away]
Woman: [gives ghost a dollar, and he flies away through the wall]
[The scene changes to a woman sleeping in her bed.]
Flying Dutchman: [narrating] Are you tired of sleeping late?
[The woman's alarm goes off, and she starts sleeping on the other side. A ghost comes out of the alarm clock.]
Ghost: [shouts]
Woman: [screams and runs away, leaving some money behind]
Ghost: [takes money, gives thumbs up and winks at camera]
Flying Dutchman: [narrating] Get a ghost!
[The scene changes to a beach, where three muscular men are pointing and laughing at a weak old man lifting weights.]
Flying Dutchman: [as a ghost enters an old man to possess him] Tired of meatheads laughing at your scrawny body?
Old man: [fully lifts weight, head turns blue as it rotates and he laughs]
Flying Dutchman: [narrating] Get a ghost!
[The muscular men look in surprise as the old man tosses the weight onto their heads. Cut to the Flying Dutchman on his ship.]
Flying Dutchman: We've got affordable spooks, certified to haunt your house today. Just [makes strangling gesture with fists] stangle your phone and give us a call at [pops out of TV] Get a Ghost Incorporated! First haunt is always [winks] free.
Patrick: Free? You don't have to twist my nub! [pushes Flying Dutchman back into TV]
Flying Dutchman: Ah!
Patrick: [laughs, goes over to pick up a phone]
Phone operator: If you'd like to make a call, please-- [Patrick chokes the phone, killing it and turning it onto a ghost phone]
Patrick: [using ghost phone] Hello? Send free ghosts to this address, please. Thank you! [ghost phone floats upwards, doorbell rings, then gasps and looks up] Oh, boy, [walks backwards to front door] they're here!
[Patrick opens the door to reveal the Flying Dutchman's face on the other side.]
Flying Dutchman: [laughs wickedly]
Patrick: [yelps]
Flying Dutchman: [poofs to smaller size with two ghost men] G-g-g-ghost delivery! These two [pokes one of the ghosts] degenerate souls are guaranteed to haunt your socks off!
Patrick: [holds up socks on hands] Not my socks. [eats socks]
FlimFlam brother 1: Yeah, only if we [stretches suspenders] feel likes it. [nudges brother, both laugh]
Flying Dutchman: [chuckles] Uh, they're just kidding. [puts hands on ghosts' shoulders, to ghosts] Come on, guys, you're embarrassing me now. [one of the ghosts flicks his hat off]
FlimFlam brother 2: Aw, you dropped your hat, Dutchy. [Flying Dutchman looks behind him] Here, let me get that for you. [both brothers kick the Flying Dutchman away]
Flying Dutchman: Aah!
FlimFlam brother 2: [chuckles shuts door behind them]
Squidina: [she and Patrick wave, Patrick fails to do a handshake on one of the ghosts] Welcome to the Star House, gentlemen. Are you ready to do some haunting?
Patrick: Huh?
FlimFlam brother 1: Yeah, whatevs. [both crack their knuckles] Where do want us to start?
Patrick: [one arm points upstairs] Mom's upstairs, [other arm points other way] and Dad's in the kitchen. [ghosts phase through him]
FlimFlam brother 1: One side, please. Time to go to work. [vanishes as his footsteps appear, chuckles]
FlimFlam brother 2: One scare, [head detatches from body, flies upward] coming up. [phases through ceiling]
Patrick and Squidina: Our house is haunted!
[In the kitchen, Cecil is putting lots of mustard onto a sandwich.]
Cecil: [singing loudly]
Patrick: [chuckles, recording with camera]
Cecil: [finishes sandwich, rubs hands together] Mmm... [sandwich floats, possessed] Huh?
FlimFlam brother 1: [as sandwich, chuckles and flies away, then pops out of sandwich to give a thumbs up]
Cecil: My sandwich! [jumps and grabs sandwich, tugging on it] Come back here! [puts sandwich on floor and stomps on it]
[Several household items float past Patrick, who is still recording. Some items come floating out of the cupboards as well. They all stack below Cecil.]
Cecil: Whoa! [falls over] Hey!
FlimFlam brother 1: [possessing ghost pepper sauce bottle] And now for the hot stuff. [pepper on bottle winks, chuckles, then pours hot sauce all over the stack and forces it into Cecil's mouth] Dinner is served!
Cecil: [swallows sandwich] ♪ That's the best sandwich I ever ate! ♪ [burps out a flame]
FlimFlam brother 1: [gets out of Cecil through his mouth, leaves kitchen to inspect hot sauce bottle] Hmm, this gone stale? [opens bottle with teeth and drinks a tiny bit, then screams as he is set on fire and runs off]
Patrick: [uses fire extinguisher on fire, ghost is left burnt] I hope the other ghost is scarier than you are.
[Meanwhile, Bunny has her headphones on while driving a vehicle on the carpet.]
Bunny: [humming]
Squidina: [filming from behind potted plant]
FlimFlam brother 2: [chuckles, hides in walls]
Bunny: [humming, continues driving and misses the bites from the possessed paintings]
[The door entryway gets possessed by a large, sharp-toothed mouth. Bunny rides over the mouth's tongue, damaging it.]
FlimFlam brother 2: [turns back to normal, coughing, then inspects his damaged tongue]
[Bunny comes back with a leaf blower, blowing the ghost away.]
FlimFlam brother 2: [screams]
Bunny: [using leaf blower, humming]
FlimFlam brother 2: [lands as a splat on the wall]
Squidina: Ah! These ghosts are lame. How are we supposed to do a scary show with no scares? [grunts in frustration, walks off]
[Cut to an exterior shot of the Star family house at night. Squidward, now wearing a beanie, runs up to the side of the house. He does a roll over to get beside the front window. He holds a crowbar and tries to pry open the window.]
Squidward: That cheapskate is gonna give me what he owes me... whether he knows it or not! [crowbar hits him in the face, knocking him over]
[Back in the house, the ghosts are sitting on the couch as Patrick and Squidina look at them.]
FlimFlam brother 2: Sorry, kid. We tried, but your family's just too dumb to scare.
Patrick: Said the worst ghosts I've ever seen. I could scare people better than you. Huh.
FlimFlam brother 2: [both ghosts get in front of Patrick] Oh, yeah?
All: [look over at Squidward, who gets inside through the front window and faceplants] Huh?
FlimFlam brother 2: I bet you couldn't even scare [points to Squidward] that guy.
Patrick: Oh, I couldn't, huh? Watch and learn.
FlimFlam brothers: [laugh and run off with Squidina]
Squidward: [gets up and walks to the couch] There's probably loose change in the couch. [sticks hand in couch] Aha! I think I found a bag of money. [pulls out Patrick's head's skin] What the heck?
Patrick: [emerges from couch without skin] That's not yours.
Squidward: [screaming, runs away as Patrick's skin lands on his head]
Patrick: [chases Squidward as he breaks out of the house through a wall] Hey, I need that!
FlimFlam brother 2: [all peek and come out] What? We can't compete with that. That spooky kid is a ringer.
Squidina: Mm. [holds "PAT SCRIPT" book] Okay, the haunted-house-show idea is [rips up script book] dead. We need another show idea, quick. Hmm. [passes through the ghosts while pacing] You two are gruesome and repulsive. So... we can do a makeover show! [begins pushing the ghosts away]
[A curtain opens as the two ghosts are sitting on office chairs as a spotlight shines on them.]
Squidina: [puts white paint on the ghosts, then puts on powder, leaving behind lots of pink dust] We're taking two uglies and turning them into beauties. [as the dust disappears, the two ghosts now have a new look] And voilà. [holds up two mirrors, showing the ghosts' faces, which now have lipstick, blush, mascara, and wigs] You're to die for.
FlimFlam brother 2: What the-- [both look at each other] Huh? Oh.
FlimFlam brothers: [pointing at each other] Look at you! [both laughing, then fall over and die]
Squidina: Huh? I wasn't trying to kill them. [dollar signs appear on eyes] But it makes great television.
[The FlimFlam brothers come back to life from their ghost corpses.]
FlimFlam brother 2: Huh? Wow. We're alive again. [gets up, corpse burns] Wow! We're alive again. We must've doube-died.
FlimFlam brother 1: Hey, they sure buried us in some nice duds.
FilmFlam brothers: You sweet kid. You scared us back to life.
Squidina: Aw.
FlimFlam brother 2: [grabs Squidina] Come here, you.
Squidina: [getting crushed by the brothers' hug] You're welcome. You're hurting me. [FlimFlam brother 2 tosses her aside]
FlimFlam brothers: The FlimFlam brothers are back in business. [sit on couch and sofa] Ahh.
FlimFlam brother 1: And I think we're gonna like our new home. [both laugh]
FlimFlam brother 2: [snaps fingers] Hey, nerdy kid, get me a glass of water.
Squidina: Being haunted by ghosts is one thing, but now they're just a couple of freeloaders.
GrandPat: [toilet flushes, comes out with magazine humming and takes off glasses] Huh? [eyes turn red] The FlimFlam Brothers? [confronts brothers, pointing at them] You borrowed ten bucks from me in 1926 and skipped town. [using a register, creating a receipt] With interest and adjusted for inflation, I'd say that brings it up to... $462,000!
Squidina: [holding end of receipt paper] And nine cents.
FlimFlam brother 2: Sorry, we've been [nudges brother] dead--dead broke! [rimshot, both laugh as GrandPat walks off] Huh?
GrandPat: [riding on vehicle while pointing cane] You owe me restitution! [chasing FlimFlam brothers outside while Squidina records] Restitution!
Squidina: [as GrandPat drives by] Ah!
GrandPat: Restitution!
Cecil: [in shower clothing] ♪ Hey, kiddo, what's going on? ♪
Squidina: [mailbox bounces] Huh?
Squidward: [comes out of mailbox, lands on ground injured, then gets up] Aha! [points at Cecil, then himself] You owe me restitution, too!
Cecil: [screams]
Squidward: [chasing after Cecil, making a skinless Patrick spin around] Come back here!
Patrick: [points away] A clam flew away with my skin.
Squidina: I wouldn't be a [points to herself] good producer if I didn't carry a spare. [giggles as she holds a spare Patrick skin]
Patrick: [picks up skin] Thanks, sis!
[Bubble transition to Patrick jumping around in shorts to put his new skin on.]
Patrick: [looking at camera] Well, kids, today we learned that ghosts aren't scary at all. They're just... [blows up balloon labelled "Silly" and lets go of it] silly.
Flying Dutchman: [as balloon, laughs wickedly and turns around to reveal his face] Boo! [laughs wickedly]
Squidina: [screams, hides behind platform]
Patrick: [screams, runs away into a lake painting and rows away]
Flying Dutchman: [off-screen] And just like that, those pesky kids were scared away, thanks to Get a Ghost Incorporated! [the FlimFlam brothers shoot spitballs at him, popping him] Aah! And tell them The Dutchman sent you. [falls down, FlimFlam brothers laugh] Ow.