The Krusty Sponge/transcript

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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "The Krusty Sponge" from season 5, which aired on July 24, 2007.

[The episode opens at the Krusty Krab.]
Squidward: Okay, and would you like any fries with that?
Customer #1: Uh... [turns around to the other customers] hey, if I get some kelp fries, would you guys share them with me?
Incidental 27: Do we know you?
Customer #1: [turns back to Squidward] Two orders of fries, please.
Squidward: And two orders of—
Customer #1: I only said one order.
Squidward: But you said "two."
Customer #1: Okay, I'll have two.
Squidward: [takes out a ticket for the customers' order] SpongeBob, order up. [all the tickets are stuck in the window, he sighs] Welcome to The Krusty— [all the tickets get shot out and Squidward walks in the kitchen] SpongeBob, what in Neptune's...
[SpongeBob is standing still in the kitchen with a shocked expression on his face; his body can't move once and he doesn't even blink.]
Squidward: SpongeBob? [pushes him back and forth and hat tips over. touches spatula] Well, his spatula's still warm. [pokes his eye] Well, SpongeBob, I must admit this is strange behavior, even for you.
Mr. Krabs: [shows up in the kitchen] Ahoy, Squidward! [sees SpongeBob] Good Neptune! [goes up to him and shakes him] SpongeBob, what has gotten into to you, son? [SpongeBob does not answer]
Squidward: I think he's in some kind of self-induced trance.
Mr. Krabs: No, Squidward. This is worse. He's got the thousand-yard stare. I had it once meself back in me service days. [shakes SpongeBob] What is it, lad?! Quick, we're losing money! [SpongeBob still doesn't respond; his hat falls off and Mr. Krabs picks up what's in it] It's the boy's tiny calendar. And he has circled today's date. [reads the date on the 23rd] "Important Food Critic visits Krusty Krab?!"
Squidward: That's what's causing all this? Only a complete moron would worry about what some critic has to say. [both Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob are quivering] I rest my case.
[Meanwhile, a fish version of Gene Shalit named "Gene Scallop" enters the restaurant as Squidward stops reading a newspaper. SpongeBob peeks at him, who sniffs the air as a tumbleweed blows by.]
Squidward: Hey, in or out, mister? You're letting out the A.C. [Gene stares at him] Weirdo. [resumes reading the newspaper, SpongeBob stops peeking]
Mr. Krabs: Why, hello! You're the television food critic Gene Scallop, aren't ya? Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Eugene Krabs, owner and proprietor of this fine... [Gene walks away and up to Squidward]
Squidward: Well, do you want to order something or do you just want to block my reading light? [Gene walks away from him]
Mr. Krabs: Squidward, you just drove away Gene Scallop! Don't you know our lives depend on his review?
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, the only thing my life depends on is going home at 6:00. [Mr. Krabs walks over to Gene as he is about to exit the restaurant]
Mr. Krabs: M— Mr. Scallop, wait, please! Before you go, come on, sit down. Try one of our delicious Krabby Patties. It's absolutely fffff— [spits while trying to say "free"] complimentary!
[The scene cuts to a closeup of Gene's patty as SpongeBob squirts mustard on it, then puts the bun on top.]
Mr. Krabs: Okay, SpongeBob, that'll be all. [SpongeBob lifts up his hat, then puts it back down and leaves] He's nobody. [Gene takes the Krabby Patty and takes one bite, then leaves without saying a word] We're doomed!
[Television static cuts to the news as cats meow.]
Barbara: And there were no survivors.
Bob Preflumster: Thank you, Barbara.
Barbara: Thank you, Bob.
Squidward: She is so tacky.
Bob: And now it's time for "Bottom Feeding" with Gene Scallop.
Mr. Krabs: Turn it up, Squidward. [Squidward turns it up]
Gene Scallop: Thank you, Bob. This week, I visited--
Bob: You're welcome, Gene.
Gene: [stares at Bob for a few seconds, clears his throat, and moves his glasses] This week, I reviewed The Krusty Krab restaurant, a local burger joint that's second to none; or should I say second to "run," since this critic wanted to make like a banana and peel out [Mr. Krabs freaks out] the minute he saw how drab this Krab really was.
Barbara: That bad, huh, Gene?
Gene: Barbara, once I stuck my beak through that door, my appetite flew South for the winter. I mean, I'm not "kidding" when I say this restaurant smells like the rear-end of a goat. [customers smell the aroma, and goat and gas fart noises are heard]
Bob: And how was the service, Gene?
Gene: You could find livelier help in a graveyard and I'm not just "coffin." [two customers are whispering to each other] The management stunk so bad, I had to get my sweater dry cleaned on the way home... with me in it. [customers start mumbling and walking out]
Mr. Krabs: Hey, no, wait! Wait!
Gene: [too close to Barbara and Bob] However, [the customers pause walking out] at the end of my visit, I chowed down on a meal that titillated my taste buds and gratified my gullet. That sponge [Mr. Krabs is in a stunned mood] behind the grill is no square when it comes to cooking. [excited talking as the customers rush to sit down at their tables for some food] If Krabs really wanted to soak up the dough, he'd sponge it up, he'd sponge it out, he'd over-sponge it. You can never have too much sponge. [Mr. Krabs' eyes turn into SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: Well, back to work.
Mr. Krabs: [laughs] That's me boy, SpongeBob! That's me boy.
[SpongeBob walks in the kitchen as a dollar sign while register rings keep sounding. Bubble transition to several customers lining up at The Krusty Krab as SpongeBob passes by.]
SpongeBob: La, la, la, la, la, la, la! Wow. [Mr. Krabs is working on putting a new sign called "The Krusty Sponge"]
Mr. Krabs: Okay, a little lower, lower— that's perfect!
SpongeBob: Good morning, sir. What's with the new sign?
Mr. Krabs: Oh, just making a few cosmetic changes.
SpongeBob: Oh, you mean like when Squidward had that mole taken of his—
Mr. Krabs: [cuts him off before he could finish] Ehhh, errr, eh— yeah, a little bit like that.
[Bubble transition to inside of the Krusty Sponge where SpongeBob walks past Squidward, dressed in a SpongeBob costume with a sign behind saying "As Seen on TV"]
SpongeBob: Morning, Squidward! [oblivious to the costume] Ooh! Squidward, where did you find those shoes? [Squidward hisses at SpongeBob who runs away]
Incidental 151: Look, it's him! [walks up to Squidward] Mr. SquarePants, can I have your autograph?
Squidward: No.
Incidental 151: But, why?
Squidward: Well, the first reason is, I have no use of my arms. See? [shakes his arms, but accidentally hits Incidental 151, causing the cap to fall off]
Incidental 151: Ow! [Mr. Krabs runs between them]
Mr. Krabs: Hey, what's going on over here?
Incidental 151: He hit me, just as I wanted his autograph!
Mr. Krabs: [angry] Squidward! I'm sorry, little girl. Of course you can have his autograph— for five bucks.
Incidental 151: What a rip! [walks away, grumbles madly, and goes to a table]
Mr. Krabs: Look at these, Squidward! [holds up napkins that have SpongeBob's face on them]
Squidward: Looks like some horrific shroud.
Mr. Krabs: They're our new Krusty Sponge napkins! Extra absorbent. [laughs as a foghorn blares]
Squidward: You really need to see a doctor.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, that reminds me, Squidward. I need you to unpack these boxes. [points to a stack of boxes that say "KK" on them]
Squidward: What's in them?
Mr. Krabs: [takes out two bottles that have SpongeBob's face as a label and red nozzles] Condiments. We got "Tangy Spongy Sauce" and "Mild Bobby Sauce" for the not-so-daring.
Squidward: Oh, clever. [SpongeBob runs up to Mr. Krabs]
SpongeBob: Captain! My spatula's missing, sir!
Mr. Krabs: I got it right here. Here you go, Squidward. [sticks it into the costume's forehead] You're on grill duty now.
Squidward: But that's SpongeBob's job!
Mr. Krabs: Don't worry, Squidward. I got something else lined up for him.
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob as the engineer in the fun train that is going around The Krusty Sponge.]
Mr. Krabs: Step right up, folks! Take a ride on The Krusty Sponge Fun Train! Tickets are only $1.98. Seat belts not included.
[Everyone cheers. Meanwhile, inside the kitchen, Squidward is looking at the spatula that is on the grill.]
Squidward: Okay, how am I going to do this now? Umm— [grunts while trying to get the spatula. Hits it with one of the costume arms and hits himself in the forehead, sending him back into the ketchup and mustard containers and pots, pans, and forks] Mommy, is that you?
[Going back outside, SpongeBob is tired of pedaling the train. He blows the train whistle.]
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, I really think I should be getting back to the grill now.
Mr. Krabs: Are you kidding, lad? Just look at these paying customers! [uses the megaphone] Who's ready for another lap? [everyone cheers as the confetti flies] Keep on truckin', SpongeBob. I've got some important business to see to in me office.
[Bubble transition to Squidward, still in the SpongeBob costume, entering Mr. Krabs' office.]
Squidward: Mr. Krabs? Uh, this is a bad time, isn't it? [Mr. Krabs is bathing in his money]
Mr. Krabs: [nervously] No!
Squidward: Well, there's a man out back with a delivery and says you need to sign for it.
Mr. Krabs: [still nervous] Okay, tell them I'll be right out.
Squidward: Got it. [as he turns around, he hits his head on the top of the door entrance] Ow! [mutters] Fractured skull!
Mr. Krabs: And let's watch the language, Squidward!
[Bubble transition to Mr. Krabs signing for the packages.]
Paramedic worker: Just sign here, here and here.
Mr. Krabs: My pleasure.
Squidward: What the heck is all this stuff?
Mr. Krabs: I'm glad you asked. We got SpongeBob drinking straws— [shows a green straw with SpongeBob in the middle] coasters— [holds up two coasters with SpongeBob's face on them] bibs— [holds up a bib with SpongeBob's face on it that says "I soiled myself at The Krusty Sponge"] and me personal favorite, SpongeBob ice cubes! [shows them, but they melt away] Aww.
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, don't you think you might be taking all this a little bit too far?
Mr. Krabs: [showing signs of delusion] Get back to work, SpongeBob! I'll be in me SpongeBob if you SpongeBob me. [walks away crazily as Squidward is not surprised]
[The dollar bills transition to Squidward flipping a patty and laughing at his success.]
Mr. Krabs: Whoops! [sets three boxes down on the floor] There you go, Squidward.
Squidward: Now what?
Mr. Krabs: [suffers a backache] Oh, you're going to love this. Spongy Patties! [shows a yellow patty with olive-green holes]
Squidward: Spongy Patties?
Mr. Krabs: Yeah. I want you to start using them instead of the other ones. [tosses one on the grill]
Squidward: Where'd you get them?
Mr. Krabs: They were just the boxes of patties we didn't have room for in the freezer. They turned yellow. Got to keep those SpongeBob ice cubes somewhere, you know.[chuckles]
Squidward: You mean to tell me you actually expect people to pay $1.98 for a rotten patty?
Mr. Krabs: Squidward, you're right! All this instant success must be scrambling my brains! We'll make them $2.98! [shuts the kitchen door]
[The scene cuts to back outside, where SpongeBob is blowing the whistle on the Fun Train, but he's really tired.]
SpongeBob: [weakly] All aboard...
Incidental 41: Hey, we didn't pay $3.00 to watch you take a nap!
Incidental 47: That's the worst SpongeBob costume I've ever seen!
Passengers: [chanting] Ride, ride, ride, ride, ride, ride, ride, ride, ride, ride! [SpongeBob sneaks away and takes the statue of himself, where Billy is going to get a picture by a camera by Harold, and puts it in his seat of the Fun Train, then squeezes through the doors of the Krusty Krab] Ride, ride, ride, ride, ride!
SpongeBob: Oh, what a day. What's next? A zombie invasion? [screams seeing after Incidental 16, Incidental 40, Incidental 8, Incidental 49, Sandals, and Incidental 42 have yellow skin and olive-green spots similar to SpongeBob's holes walking around like zombies] Mr. Krabs, open up! We're being attacked by a bunch of zombies that look like me!
Mr. Krabs: Uh, go away, please, I'm busy.
SpongeBob: Please, you don't understand! They're all splotchy and yellow with distended bellies! [screams as the zombies walk towards him] Open up, open up, open up! [bangs on the door hard enough to where it collapses on the floor]
Mr. Krabs: Who? [he is dressed in a nice shirt with a pile of money in the chair across from him]
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob— [sees the zombies and gasps] Great Neptune's mother's stockings! Zombies— they're here to eat me money! [tries to run back into his office, but SpongeBob grabs him and turns him around]
SpongeBob: Wait! They're not zombies, Mr. Krabs. They're your customers— look! [two fish are sitting at the table. One is yellow with olive-green spots and the other one is normal-looking]
Sandals: [groans] I ate this yellow Krabby Patty and now I feel sick.
Incidental 119: Krabby Patty? [takes a bite and spits it out, disgusted. He then glares at the worried Mr. Krabs before he walks up to him] Man, you've got some serious problems. If you're trying to pass that off as a Krabby Patty—
Mr. Krabs: [nervously] It's a... It's a Spongy Patty! [Incidental 119 turns yellow with green spots, becoming another one of the sick; Mr. Krabs becomes shocked upon noticing this]
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, what have you done?! You've poisoned all these people!
Mr. Krabs: [shocked and guilty] No! But... I-I just... wha... I can explain, I... [looks down at his wrists because they are in handcuffs] What the...?
Incidental 119: [shows his police badge] Tell it to the judge, Krabs.
[Bubble transition to inside the courtroom with the honorable Judge Horace A. Whopper presiding the trial.]
Guard: Calling the courtroom to attention in the case "People of Bikini Bottom vs. Mr. Krabs." Honorable Judge Horace A. Whopper presiding.
Judge Horace A. Whopper: [clears his throat] Has the jury reached a verdict? [the jury is all yellow with green spots. Gene stands up and is yellow with green spots as well]
Gene: [along with the others] We have, your honor. We the jury find the defendant, Eugene H. Krabs, guilty of all charges. [Mr. Krabs is in disbelief]
Judge Horace: Very well. Does the defendant have anything to say before we send him down the river?
Mr. Krabs: [sadly] No, your honor.
Judge Horace: Very well. [bangs the SpongeBob gavel down. When he does, it laughs]
Mr. Krabs: Eh, hang on a second there, judge! That wouldn't happen to be a SpongeBob gavel you're using?
Judge Horace: Oh, why, yes. It's my prized possession. I am a huge SpongeBob fan.
Mr. Krabs: Permission to approach the bench, your honor!
[Bubble transition to a regular patty being flipped on the grill.]
SpongeBob: Sure is good to be back behind the grill where I belong, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: It's good to have you back, boy. Let's see how Squidward's enjoying his new position.
[Outside, Squidward, still in the SpongeBob costume, is giving Judge Horace a ride on the Fun Train. Judge Horace has a whip in his hand.]
Mr. Krabs: Take him around as many times as you like.
Judge Horace: I just might have to take you up on that. [winks and cracks his whip so Squidward goes faster]
Mr. Krabs: [sighs] I love a happy ending. [laughs]
[The screen goes blank as Judge Horace's whip cracks at the background, ending the episode.]