The Lil' Patscals/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "The Lil' Patscals/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[The episode starts with a shot of the Star house. Inside, Patrick is sitting in front of the TV, bathed in green light and drooling. GrandPat walks up to him.]
GrandPat: Boy, what in Sam Hill are you watching?
Patrick: [dazed] The traffic light channel.
[On TV, a traffic light changes from yellow to red.]
GrandPat: You call this entertainment!?
Patrick: [shushes him] Shh! It's gonna change again! [light goes from red to green, Patrick cheers] TV is the only way to [changes channel] have fun!
GrandPat: Fiddle-faddle! [takes remote and points to himself] I had tons of fun when I was a kid! [breaks remote] Ah! [gets out flamethrower] And that was years before TV even existed! [yells and burns down TV]
Patrick: [shouting] GrandPat, why!?
GrandPat: [blows out flame] So I can prove my point! [pants, grabs photo off the wall] Yoink! [pants and sits on the couch] Here! [pats empty seat] Sit down next to GrandPat. I wanna show you something.
[Patrick takes a seat next to GrandPat.]
Patrick: Mmm.
GrandPat: This here's the old gang-- [the photo shows a younger Mrs. Puff, Mr. Krabs, GrandPat, Granny Tentacles, and Old Man Walker] The Kelpbed Kids. [points to himself] That's me right there, [points to Mrs. Puff] and that's Puffy, [points to Mr. Krabs] Snappy, [points to Granny Tentacles] Squigley, [points to Old Man Walker] and Hoops. Oh, the fun we used to have.
Patrick: [skeptical] But no TV.
GrandPat: [glares at Patrick, then throws picture away] No, [picture shatters] dagnabbit, boy! Even if we had a TV, we wouldn't have watched it. We were too busy [grabs Patrick's shoulders] going on adventures and playing street games-- games like Kick the Can. [reminiscing] Yeah, back then, we kicked all sorts of things and called them games.
[A devil TV and angel TV appear next to Patrick.]
Devil TV: GrandPat's got it all wrong. Life is better when TV's involved.
Angel TV: [shrugs] No arguments here.
Devil TV: [tempting] Hey, that time closet of yours has a TV screen. Instead of spending the next six hours listening to these old stories, why don't you go live 'em?
Angel TV: Agreed.
Patrick: [giggles, TVs poof away]
[Patrick sneaks away as GrandPat talks. He takes a pillow, traffic cone, and draws a face on them, and puts them in his old spot on the couch, then goes around the couch.]
GrandPat: Yeah, you couldn't kick just any can. You had to have either a corn can or a succotash can. I always found you got more distance with corn cans, but with a rusted-out succotash, you had speed.
Patrick: [giggles, walks up to time closet] Back to when GrandPat was a kid. [turns dial to 1927] 1927. [enters closet] Whoo-hoo! [closes door, electricity crackles]
[Flash to 1927. Everything is grayscale and rubberhose-style. Kid GrandPat is on the street with his face covered in gunk.
Officer Murphy: [wipes GrandPat's face] If I told you kids once, I told you a thousand times-- stay out of the sewers.
Kelpbed Kids: Yes, Officer Murphy.
Officer Murphy: [takes out can] All right then, here's a tin can to play with.
Kelpbed Kids: Ah!
Snappy: Hot diggety dog, a can!
[Officer Murphy kicks the can. The Kelpbed Kids chase after it, laughing.]
Officer Murphy: Stay out of trouble, now!
[The time closet appears in the middle of the street. Electricity crackles from it. Patrick steps out, still in his regular design.]
Patrick: [walks around] Whoa... [eyes dart around] Lil' GrandPat's gotta be around here somewhere.
Kelpbed Kids: [laughing, running]
[GrandPat kicks the can and it flies into Patrick's face, then shuts.]
GrandPat: Hey, old man, that's our can!
Patrick: [can opens] Oh!
GrandPat: [pulls the can back] Ah!
[Patrick's face is stuck in his body. He hits the back of his head and his face springs out, still can-shaped.]
Patrick: Hey, you're the Kelpbed Kids! I was hoping to hang out with you! [hits face back to normal]
GrandPat: Sorry, you're too big for us.
[Patrick pulls his head off, revealing a Patrick with a smaller body beneath.]
Patrick: [higher-pitched] How 'bout now?
GrandPat: Hmm, [puts hand on chin] we can work with this. [to Kelpbed Kids, pointing at Patrick] All right, gang, let's Fleischer-ize him!
Snappy: Historically accurate duds! [throws clothes on Patrick]
Puffy: Rubber hose! [throws hose on Patrick]
Squigley: Glorious black and white! [splashes paint on him]
GrandPat: Mash it all together-- [hits Patrick with a hammer] And you're done.
Patrick: [bounces] I'm all springy, ooh! So I'm part of the gang now?
GrandPat: [looks aside] Not exactly.
Patrick: [sadly] Aw...
GrandPat: You gotta prove yourself first-- [takes out can] at Kick the Can! [drops it, can clanks, kicks it weakly] Now let's see what you got!
[Patrick kicks the can. It sails into the upper window of a creepy old house. Lighting strikes.]
Patrick: [worried] Oops.
GrandPat: Of all places, you had to hit Old Man Jenkins' house?
Patrick: [meekly] I guess this means I'm out of the gang now, huh?
GrandPat: Applesauce! You're gonna help us get that can back! [cut to present-day GrandPat still talking to the Patrick dummy] So off we went over the wall and into Old Man Jenkins' backyard.
[Patrick and kid GrandPat look over the fence and hop it.]
GrandPat: Ah!
Patrick: Come on!
[The other Kelpbed Kids look over the fence. Patrick and GrandPat tiptoe and stick out their ears. They hear rustling coming from two closed doors.]
Patrick: Huh? [metal rattling] Sounds like the can is down there!
[A guard toilet comes out and Patrick and GrandPat scream, their eyes popping out of their heads.]
Guard toilet: [barking]
Patrick and GrandPat: [running and screaming]
Squigley: Only one way to stop that guard toilet!
Squigley, Snappy, and Puffy: Hoops!
Hoops: Hold onto your hats! [spins propeller cap, flies and stops the guard toilet with a hoop]
Guard toilet: [muffled barking]
Patrick and GrandPat: [panting heavily]
GrandPat: [in the present day] We were about to venture into that big creepy house. Everyone had the heebie-jeebies 'cept for me. I wasn't afraid of nothin'!
[Cut to GrandPat biting his fingernails as the other Kelpbed Kids walk into the house.]
Patrick: Let's go, bud! [drags him in by his suspenders, snap, they walk through the house] This old house got a bad rap. It's not haunted. It's totally normal.
[Old Man Jenkins' face sticks out of a painting. He spits in a spitoon. GrandPat runs back to look, but Jenkins is back in the painting.]
GrandPat: Huh?
[Jenkins leans out and snaps GrandPat's hair with his tongue.]
GrandPat: Hey! [tenses up, runs away whimpering]
[Snappy is following the other Kelpbed Kids when a door opens out of nowhere.]
Snappy: Huh? Ooh... [enters, snickers]
[The door closes and laughs ominously, trapping Snappy inside. He does not see anything and shrugs at the screen. He walks up to a wardrobe. When he opens it, only coats and hangers are inside.]
Snappy: Wire hangers? Aw, [snaps] nuts.
[He walks away from the closet as a coat reaches towards him, making ghostly noises. Snappy screams, gets shut outside, then launched through the chimney.]
Snappy: [folds arms] Aw, nuts.
GrandPat: [in the present day] One by one, that house chewed us up and spit us out! But we kept on looking for that ol' tin can.
[Patrick is balancing on a stack of chairs in the kitchen.]
Patrick: Oh, it's gotta be around here somewhere. [opens closet and takes a can, shakes it] Uh, this one's full. [throws it]
[The can hits GrandPat, who is looking in another pantry, in the head. He babbles and faints. Patrick shakes another can.]
Patrick: This one too! [throws it away]
Squigley: [to GrandPat] Are you all right? [gets hit by can and knocked out]
Hoops: Hmm.
[Hoops looks through a drawer. A cabinet behind him opens and a skeleton bites his hoop.]
Hoops: Whoa! [gets dragged into the cabinet]
Patrick, GrandPat, Squigley, and Puffy: Hoops? [screaming]
Hoops: [screams, gets launched out chimney and lands next to Snappy]
Hoops and Snappy: [sigh]
[The remaining Kelpbed Kids run through the house. Patrick and GrandPat run ahead.]
Puffy: Wait up! Wait up, you guys!
[A chandelier falls, blocking Puffy and Squigley's path. They stumble backwards and fall into a trapdoor.]
Puffy and Squigley: [screaming]
[There is a pit of spikes below. Puffy inflates, clogging the path down.]
Squigley: [screams, falls]
Puffy: Oh!
[Squigley bounces off of Puffy.]
Squigley: [screaming, hits ceiling]
[Puffy deflates and falls onto the spikes, then launches back up. She crashes into Squigley, who is on the ceiling, and smashes a hole in the roof. They land next to Snappy and Hoops.]
Puffy: I'm gonna go find Officer Murphy! [running, panting]
[Patrick and GrandPat are screaming and running on a conveyor belt.]
Patrick: Is it just me, or does it feel like we've been running down this same hallway forever?
[The conveyor belt part of the floor lifts up.]
GrandPat: Uh-oh!
[They scream as the conveyor belt rotates, and they try to stay on top of it. It turns upside down.]
Patrick: Not good, not good!
[They fall in a hole in the floor and scream. The conveyor goes back into the floor. Patrick and GrandPat slide down a narrow, rocky corridor. They scream, hug each other, and crash through a door. They land face-first against the ground.]
Patrick and GrandPat: Ouch.
[The empty can rolls past them.]
Patrick and GrandPat: Huh? The can!
[They run after it and crash into the wall. They keep chasing it. GrandPat sees something ahead and pulls Patrick behind the crates. The can rolls into Old Man Jenkins' foot.]
GrandPat: [gasps] It's him!
Patrick: [whispering] Who?
GrandPat: [in present day] Old Man Jenkins, that's who! [cut to Old Man Jenkins operating a control panel] He was operating his home security system.
[Jenkins looks behind him and picks up the can.]
Jenkins: Hmm? Ha. [snickers, fills can with sugar]
Patrick and GrandPat: [pointing at him] Drop that can!
GrandPat: [panics, drops it, raises arms] I surrender! Y-y-y-you got me. I--oh...
Patrick: That's our kicking can!
Jenkins: Whew. Thank heavens. You're just here for the silly can. [gives it to them] Here. I thought you kids were after my [pulls curtain to reveal a tub of ice cream] outlaw ice cream.
Patrick: Ooh, ooh!
Patrick and GrandPat: Hotsy-totsy!
Jenkins: Yeah! It's really good stuff. I can't understand why the government banned it. They threw Goofy Goober in the hoosegow! Anyhoo, I had to get my ice cream fix [shrugs] somehow, so I started bootlegging the stuff myself. Making my house appear haunted is what keeps the coppers away. [cackles]
[Police sirens blare. Officer Murphy drives outside Old Man Jenkins' house, with the other Kelpbed Kids outfront.]
Jenkins: [covers ice cream again, runs away] Aye! They ain't taking my mint chocolate chip!
Officer Murphy: Now you kids stay here. [goes to house]
Jenkins: Take [hits button] that, copper!
[A piano crashes on Hoops. Murphy comes down the stairs to the basement.]
Officer Murphy: Freeze! [holds baton at Jenkins] I heard tell there was trouble a'brewin' in this old house.
Jenkins: Oh, no, no trouble around here, Officer.
Officer Murphy: [sneaky] Oh, well then, I suppose you won't mind if I have a look around then. You wouldn't be bootlegging ice cream down here, now would ya?
Jenkins: [sweating, laughs nervously] Of course not, Officer.
Officer Murphy: [chuckles] Is that so? [pulls the curtains; there is nothing behind them] Hmm, [to Patrick and GrandPat] you kids seen any illegal ice cream down here?
[Patrick's body is shaped like the tub of ice cream.]
Patrick and GrandPat: No, Officer Murphy...
Officer Murphy: [looks confused, blinks, then] Well, all right then, but I'm keeping my eye on you, Jenkins. [leaves]
Jenkins: [waves] Good day, Officer!
Patrick: [spits out ice cream tub]
Jenkins: Hot dog! You kids saved my hide!
GrandPat: So how does it feel to be an official [elbows him] Kelpbed Kid?
Patrick: [laughs, bounces as an accordion plays] It's the bee's knees! Oh, well, I better get back home. My grandpa was telling me a [smiles] pretty cool story. [runs off]
GrandPat: [in present day] I'll never forget that day.
[Patrick comes out of the time closet, still younger, grayscale, and in a rubberhose style.]
GrandPat: We got our kickin' can back, and as for the new kid, well, I never saw him again. [Patrick removes the dummy and sits down] Hmm? Until now!
Patrick: GrandPat, you were right! Real-life adventures with friends are more fun than TV!
Patrick and GrandPat: [hug, laughing]
[A knock is heard at the door.]
Patrick and GrandPat: Huh?
GrandPat: Now, who could that be? [they look outside the door]
Patrick and GrandPat: Huh?
[Old Man Walker, Mr. Krabs, Granny Tentacles, and Mrs. Puff, all looking older, are standing outside. Mr. Krabs holds a can.]
Granny Tentacles: Anyone up for Kick the Can?
GrandPat: I wouldn't miss it for the world.
Patrick: Me neither!
[They all stand in front of the sunset as GrandPat prepares to kick the can.]
GrandPat: The Kelpbed Kids will never die!
[GrandPat tries to kick the can, misses, and lands on his back.]
GrandPat: [groans, weakly] I think I broke my hip.
Mr. Krabs: Aw, nuts.