The Patrick Show Sells Out/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "The Patrick Show Sells Out/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[The episode begins with a pair of red curtains opening. Pinkeye chases Ouchie across the screen, then Ouchie follows with a baseball bat. Pinkeye chases him back with a board with a nail. Ouchie, waving a cowboy hat, rides a rocket into Pinkeye. The two collide headfirst, then take off their costumes, revealing Squidina as Ouchie and Patrick as Pinkeye. The real Pinkeye and Ouchie, wearing director's caps, sit in chairs and applaud. The screen zooms out to reveal that Patrick's show is on a TV in the Krusty Krab.]
Mr. Krabs: Blimey, I don't know what's worse: this crazy show, or how empty me restaurant [echoes] is!
[The interior of the Krusty Krab is empty and covered in cobwebs. A tumbleweed rolls past the building.]
Mr. Krabs: Well, that be enough of that!
[As he is about to turn off the TV, Old Man Walker raises his hand.]
Old Man Walker: Stop! [sadly] Oh, please don't change my stories. They're all I live for.
[Mr. Krabs glances up at the TV, where Patrick, still dressed as Pinkeye, is bouncing up and down.]
Patrick: [laughs] I'm getting a wedgie!
Old Man Walker: [laughs, jumps out of his seat and pulls his pants up] Wedgie! [falls over]
Mr. Krabs: [rubbing chin] Maybe, if I advertise on this weird show, I can attract more of these weirdos! I mean, customers!
Old Man Walker: [holds up money] One Wedgie Patty, please!
[Mr. Krabs' eyes turn into dollar signs, and he grabs the money and runs off.]
Mr. Krabs: And their money! [laughs]
[The camera zooms out to show Plankton looking into the Krusty Krab with a telescope.]
Plankton: [growling] I see what you're up to, Krabs! And I can flaunt my food just as loud as you can! Make way, Patrick Show! Your advertising overlord is a-coming! [laughs, then loses balance] Whoa! [falls off chair]
[Outside Patrick's house, the show is starting. A sea monster rises up.]
Viewer: Hey, whoa-- [gets eaten and screams]
Kid: Shhh!
Patrick: [walks on stage] Welcome to the Patrick Show! First up is a special message from our [points] man on the street!
[We see a man standing in the middle of the road.]
Man: Thanks, Patrick! [gets run over] And that's why you don't stand in the street! [tooth falls]
Patrick: [writing on a notepad] Duty noted. [notices audience and hides the pad] And now, a word from our new sponsor!
[Mr. Krabs drives a boat in, crashing into Patrick.]
Mr. Krabs: Thanks, Patrick! That's right, kids! [exits boat] You shouldn't stand in the street: you should walk on the sidewalk, right on over to the Krusty Krab! [pulls down a banner ad] Where you love the patties, and we love [winks] your money! And we also love giving you patties! As long as you give us money... [continues indistinctly]
[Backstage, Patrick is chewing gum and filing his nails. He blows a bubble and pops it. Squidina runs in.]
Squidina: [worried] What is Mr. Krabs doing on stage?
Patrick: [shows a detailed, polished fingernail] Huh. Duh. He's sponsorating.
Squidina: [points at clipboard] But Plankton already paid me to sponsor the show! [shoves clipboard in Patrick's face] See?
Patrick: That's great! [holds out three fingers] Three times the money!
Squidina: It's two times! [rips off a finger] And it's not great, it means we're double booked!
[The camera widens to show Plankton standing next to them.]
Plankton: Double booked? What's wrong with you amateurs?
Patrick: [grabs Squidina] It's okay, look!
[Plankton climbs on stage, where Mr. Krabs is still advertising.]
Patrick: They're gonna peacefully talk out all their differences like the good friends they are!
Mr. Krabs: Come on over and grab yourself a patty at the Krusty Krab! And the important thing... [unintelligible] And... [unintelligible] And... [unintelligible] Money! Each purchase at the Krusty Krab comes with a receipt [takes one out] that doubles as a napkin! [puts it in his shirt]
Plankton: Hit the bricks, Krabs! I'm sponsoring this show!
Mr. Krabs: [steps on Plankton] Nasty planktons! You won't find any of that bacteria at the Krusty Krab!
Plankton: [raises Mr. Krabs with a lift] Or anything edible! [kicks lift] Hello! I'm Plankton, proprietor of the Chum Bucket! [takes out a poster and tapes it over the Krusty Krab ad] There's nothing krusty about the smooth, slimy texture of my chum!
[A Krusty Krab curtain falls on Plankton.]
Mr. Krabs: What's that? I can't understand you! But I do understand what makes a delicious--
[The curtains collapse to show a cardboard Chum Bucket.]
Plankton: Bucket of chum!
[Mr. Krabs kicks the cardboard down. He and Plankton start chasing each other around. The audience watches.]
Mr. Krabs: Hey, I was here first, you know!
Plankton: Krabs? What are you doing on my commercial!
Squidina: [nervously] Maybe we should stop them?
Patrick: [holds up hook] I got this.
Plankton: Krabby Patties are pathetic!
Mr. Krabs: [winds up punch] Oh, yeah? Try my knuckle sandwich!
[Mr. Krabs gets lifted up by a hook.]
Mr. Krabs: Wha? Hey, I'm flying!
Plankton: [laughs] Bye bye!
[Squidina catches Plankton in a jar.]
Patrick: This is my show, and you two can't--
Squidina: Can! Both be sponsors! Just take turns!
Mr. Krabs: [begrudgingly] Okay, then... [motions to audience] The Patrick Show! Brought to you by the Krusty Krab!
Plankton: [jumps onto Patrick] And the Chum Bucket! Where...
Mr. Krabs: You can toss your trash!
Patrick: Wait! It's time for Captain Quasar!
[Cut to static. An announcer reads the cartoon's title.]
Announcer: Captain Quasar in: The Pattyverse Paradox!
[Inside the S.S. Super Minnow, Quasar is looking at a Krabby Patty-shaped planet on a computer.]
Quasar: Pat-Tron! The radar has detected a new planet! Look at those onion rings! Could this be the tastiest planet ever?
Pat-Tron: [zooms in on screen] It looks so juicy-goosey!
Quasar: [rubs screen] Ohhh... [puts on helmet] We must taste this majestic patty paradise!
[They beam down onto the planet. Quasar looks at a radar, which shows a Krabby Patty on it.]
Quasar: Mmm? My sensors indicate that everything on this planet is a patty-based life form!
[He and Pat-Tron start walking away. Quasar opens up a bunch of leaves that show a variety of Krabby Patty-based scenery.]
Quasar: Wow! Rocks made of kelp buns! A butter-lettuce-fly! A soda lagoon!
Pat-Tron: Sensors indicate deliciousness! [a giant nose smells the patties] I have to take some samples! [opens up and chops through the Krabby Patty plants with a saw]
[Quasar is looking at a bunch of French fries with Krabby Patties growing on them.]
Quasar: Hmmm...
[Pat-Tron rams into him from behind, then eats the French fries.]
Quasar: Pat-Tron! Are you quite done?
[Pat-Tron's eyes turn into spirals, and he burps oil onto Quasar.]
Pat-Tron: Ohhh... So many samples! I'm overloading with deliciousness!
[Plankton jumps up inside Pat-Tron's head and grabs his eyes.]
Plankton: You're definitely full of something! This shameless shilling is nauseating! Time to prune this patty paradise!
[Plankton pushes Pat-Tron's eyes forward, making him grow two lasers. He blasts them at Quasar, who runs away.]
Plankton: Take that! [slams Quasar against the ground] And that! And that! [He laughs, then throws Quasar into the distance. He pulls out a new screen.] Now, watch this far superior product placement!
[The screen reads "Pat the Hapless." Pat rides by on a mammoth, knocking the letters away.]
Announcer: Fresh off his latest misadventure, Pat the Hapless searches for a late-night snack!
Pat: [notices something] Hark! On the horizon!
[He runs into a large cave with a sign saying "Food."]
Pat: Food! [gets off mammoth and goes to a speaker box] Me want service!
Krabs: [over speaker] Just a moment, sir!
[A giant monster with Mr. Krabs' voice, resembling a combination of him and a Krabby Patty, comes out of the cave.]
Krabs: [growling] Who ordered the Poison Patty with extra pain?
[A rock hits Krabs in the face.]
Krabs: [rubbing injury] Hey! [growls]
[Pat throws a loincloth in his face. He is shown carrying a skull and wearing his underpants. A bag that reads "Ye Olde Laundry" is next to him.]
Pat: Lucky that was fresh loincloth! [throws skull] Give me service!
[Krabs squeezes Pat and prepares to punch him.]
Krabs: How about I service you to an early grave?
Pat: [struggling] So weak from hunger... [Krabs squeezes him] Guess I'm doomed... [Krabs squeezes him again]
[A seahorse's neighing is heard. Pat looks in its direction.]
Pat: Huh?
[Plankton is shown riding up on a seahorse.]
Plankton: Yo! I am the powerful wizard Plankton! hear you need some delicious grub!
[He magically summons a bucket of chum, and floats it up to Pat.]
Pat: Is true, great wizard! [smells the chum] Me used to eating dead things, but that stinks!
Plankton: Dang it, boy, you have to eat it! It'll give you super strength!
[Pat sticks his tongue out at the chum. The stench punches him in the face, grabs his tongue, and pours itself on. It stretches back, and Pat swallows it. He grows muscles and a beard, and breaks free of Krabs' grib.]
Pat: Yaaah!
Krabs: [nervous laugh]
[Pat punches Krabs away, causing an explosion. He comes down next to Plankton and burps.]
Pat: Me am replenished! Chum gave me strength, and scientifically proven nutrition! [shakes Plankton's hand] Thank you, Plankton!
[A shadow comes over them.]
Pat: What am that up there?
[A burger bun smashes them repeatedly. In the real world, Krabs is smashing his Krabby Patty planet into a globe.]
Krabs: There! [grunts] And the Planet Patty destroyed your dumb [grunts] chum show!
[Krabs and Plankton argue on stage. Squidina and Patrick look on.]
Squidina: Uhhh... should we stop them?
Patrick: Well, they paid us a lot of money for the spot!
[Patrick holds up a button in his hand, then puts it in a jar of buttons.]
Squidina: I wonder if these ads are even working?
[There are plenty of customers outside the Chum Bucket and Krusty Krab.]
Customer #1: [bangs on Krusty Krab door] Hello? We saw your commercial! We're hungry now!
Customer #2: [outside the Chum Bucket] I can't believe I'm saying this, but I want chum!
[Cut back to Patrick's show.]
Patrick: Now onto our next segment: fashion tips for hagfish!
Krabs: Wait!
[Krabs tackles him and they go into the back room.]
Krabs: I got more ideas for ya! [throws Patrick away] Listen, big boy: [shows illustration of Patrick holding a spatula and Krabby Patty, wearing an employee hat, and with a table around him] you could be the new Krusty Krab mascot!
Plankton: No, no, no! [pulls down illustration of Patrick in green swimmer's gear, jumping over chum against a rainbow] We should have you doing synchronized chum swimming!
Krabs: [pushes it and flicks Plankton away] How about I do a dance number on your face?
Plankton: [grabs Krabs' nose] I'll have you singing a different tune!
Squidina: [lifts Krabs] Great idea! [small laugh] Let's slow things down with a nice musical number!
Patrick: Super! [runs off and drops Krabs]
[Patrick runs on stage, where Plankton is holding an accordion. Plankton takes out some sheet music for him.]
Plankton: Here. Sing this.
Patrick: [takes paper] What is it?
Plankton: My jingle-- [clears throat] I mean, it's an old folk tune Grammy used to sing to me.
Patrick: [singing] When your string has lost its strum, and you're just too glum to pluck it! You need some fun, so get off your bum, and truck it on over to the Chum Bucket!
Plankton and Patrick: Chum Bucket! Truck it on over to the Chum Bucket! Truck it on over to the Chum Bucket! With every come, you say "yum" with your gullet!
[Squidina is dancing and clapping backstage. Krabs glares are her, and she stops.]
Plankton and Patrick: [singing] You've got a chum at the Chum Bucket, so truck it on over to the Chum Bucket!
[They take out Chum Bucket bucket helmets and wear them.]
Plankton and Patrick: Chum Bucket! Truck it on over to the--!
[Krabs falls onto Plankton with a piano.]
Krabs: Delay that noise, Mr. Patrick! [gives him sheet music] Key of C! Watch the changes, and, uh, [throws away helmet] try to keep up.
[Krabs begins playing the piano. Patrick sings along.]
Patrick: [singing] What do you do when you need to fill your tummy? You're so hungry, it ain't even funny!
[The audience members, including the one who got swallowed by the sea monster, are snapping along.]
Patrick: [singing] Well, friend, get ready for news that's yummy!
Krabs: All you gotta do is spend your money!
Krabs and Patrick: [singing] At the Krusty Krab! Krusty Krab! Spend your money at the Krusty Krab!
[Plankton kicks over the piano cover, crushing Mr. Krabs' claws and making him scream. He strums a banjo.]
Plankton: [singing] That's not the tune we need, let's chuck it! Now, when I say "Chum," you say...
[Krabs smashes Plankton with one of his eyestalks.]
Plankton: [weakly] ..."Bucket."
[Krabs and Plankton continue fighting, and break the piano. Squidina and Patrick come on-stage.]
Squidina: Should we intervene?
Patrick: Who's a wolverine?
[Krabs and Plankton's fight causes the set to collapse.]
Patrick and Squidina: [screams] Aah! Wait!
[A spotlight falls on a plank of wood, catapulting Patrick and Squidina outside.]
Squidina: We just got kicked off our own show!
[Customers run by, including the audience members. The sea monster spits up the guy it ate, and he runs away.]
Patrick: Hey, where are they going?
[Patrick and Squidina see the crowd of people outside the Krusty Krab and Chum Bucket. Some customers are trying to use another as a battering ram to get into the Chum Bucket.]
Customers: Heave! Heave! Heave!
[Other customers are chewing on the Krusty Krab sign. A woman eats the "Closed" sign off the door.]
Squidina: All these hungry people are giving me a good idea! [pushes Patrick] Come on!
[Many people are sitting outside a TV shop. Krabs and Plankton's show is on a TV.]
Announcer: It's the Krusty Bucket Show!
[The viewers cheer.]
Krabs: Hey, Plankton! [comes out of door] What's the best part of eating at the Chum Bucket? When you're done, and you vomit! [laughs]
[Plankton sticks a Krabs puppet out of a door.]
Plankton: [mockingly] I'm Eugene Krabs! I don't wash my claws or flush! [imitates laugh]
[Krabs seethes in anger.]
Plankton: [through puppet] Krabby Patties are made with whale oil! [imitates laugh]
Krabs: [gasps, comes through another door] You leave my daughter out of this!
[Krabs and the puppet slap each other. A doorbell rings, and Slappy's head comes out of a door.]
Slappy: Knock, knock. Special delivery. [holds out tape]
[Krabs takes the tape and looks at it. Slappy motions for him to come closer, and he does. Slappy whispers something that makes Krabs excited.]
Krabs: It seems we have our commercial's first sponsor!
[Krabs puts the tape into a portable television. It shows a static display, which Patrick pushes out of the way. He is wearing a cowboy outfit and riding a manatee.]
Patrick: Are you hungry? Are all the real food shops closed? Then drag yourself down to Patrick's Jelly Rock Shack!
[We see a stand with inflatable tube men around it. Squidina slathers jelly on a rock and serves it to a customer.]
Patrick: We took a bunch of rocks and put jelly on 'em!
[Customers bite into the rocks and shatter their teeth.]
Patrick: We also do take-out! [throws a rock at a customer] We're conveniently located just outside my house!
[Krabs and Plankton are watching the commercial from inside Patrick's studio.]
Plankton: Well, I am kinda hungry.
[Patrick crashes in through the ceiling.]
Patrick: Then come on down to Patrick's Jelly Rock Shack! [throws rocks at them] Not responsible for shattered teeth!
[Patrick laughs and smiles, showing that his teeth form the words "The End."]