The Patterfly Effect/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "The Patterfly Effect/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[Patrick is sleeping in his bed. The camera zooms out to show another Patrick sleeping. The camera zooms out again to show the real Patrick, dreaming that he is sleeping inside his dream. The first dream Patrick wakes up, startling the other, and startling the real Patrick.]
Dream Patrick: Aah!
Patrick: Aah! [impressed] That was amazing! I dreamed that I was dreaming that I was having the greatest dream of my life. I want more!
[Patrick goes back to bed and shuts his eyes tight.]
Patrick: Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep!
[He cannot fall asleep. A duck quacking is heard.]
Patrick: [sadly] It's not working.
[The camera rotates to show that Patrick's bed is upside-down. He screams and falls out of bed.]
Patrick: Got to get back to sleep!
[He rips his head off his body, then holds it in his arms and cradles it.]
Patrick: [singing] ♪ Go to sleep, little heady... ♪ [humming]
[His eyes abruptly open.]
Patrick: Or not. Time for plan B!
[He runs off, but his head keeps spinning. His body leans back in and grabs it. Patrick runs up to a glass case on the wall with a hammer next to it.]
Patrick: In case of not asleep, break glass.
[He smashes the glass with the hammer, revealing another hammer inside, and takes it. He throws his head. It falls through a basketball hoop, and an audience cheers.]
Patrick: Woo-hoo! [lands] Oof! [his body walks up] One bump on the noggin with this baby, and it's back to dreamland.
[Patrick's body hammers the desk that Patrick's head is on.]
Patrick: Oof! A little to the right.
[Patrick's body hits the mirror.]
Patrick: Now left!
[His body smashes the chair.]
Patrick: A little higher!
[His body hits the desk, next to his head.]
Patrick: You're getting warmer!
[His body hits two more times, but misses as his head keeps moving.]
Patrick: Warmer! Warmer!
[Patrick's body steps on an opened waffle iron, and his head screams in pain.]
Patrick: Aaaah! Too warm! [crying] Too warm! Hot foot! Hot foot! Hot foot!
[The body's feet light on fire and run out of the room, smashing through the wall.]
Patrick: Body, wait up!
[His head jumps off the table, and lands in a trash can.]
Patrick: Aah! Uh-oh.
[The body runs through the house. Bunny is happily cooking breakfast. The body shows up and prepares to hit Bunny with the hammer, but she turns around and notices it.]
Bunny: Breakfast is ready!
[Patrick's body takes the eggs and dumps them into its neck. Inside the trash can, Patrick's head chews on a piece of paper. Squidina pulls it out. Inside the kitchen, Squidina comes in with Patrick's head covered in a wagon.]
Squidina: There you are. I just finished your makeup. Voilà!
[She pulls off the cloth, revealing Patrick's head with overdone makeup. The body gets a small heart over it and the audience applauds.]
Patrick: I'm beautiful.
Squidina: You're also late!
[She puts his head on his body, which still has eggs on it. The head spins and splatters them on her.]
Squidina: The show should have started five minutes ago.
Patrick: Squidina, I can't do the show today. Not until I relive my dream! [slams table]
Bunny: [sadly] You know, I had a dream once.
Patrick: Moms can dream?
Bunny: Yes, Patrick. It was when I was a little girl.
Patrick: You were a little girl?
Bunny: Yes, Patrick. [moves around] I dreamed about driving fast, zipping around the track at the motor speedway. I dreamed of winning races. I dreamed of becoming--
Patrick: [interrupting]-- A race car!
Bunny: Actually, I--
[Patrick tapes over Bunny's mouth.]
Patrick: Don't say another word! I'm not going to let your dream die the way mine did! My mother is going to be a race car! [breathes heavily and walks off]
[Squidina pulls the tape off Bunny's mouth. Her mouth is still stuck to the tape.]
Bunny: I dreamed of being a race car driver, not a race car.
Audience: [groaning] Oh, boy!
[Patrick runs to the time closet and pulls a knob on it. Pinballs bounce around the screen, until it shows a display reading "Klopnod 30 Years Ago."]
Patrick: Go to Klopnod, 30 years ago.
[He opens the door and runs in. In Klopnod, Bunny is seen as a young girl, jumping and waving a flyswatter around.]
Bunny: Tee-hee-hee! Woo!
[Patrick runs in and snaps the flyswatter over his knee.]
Bunny: Hey!
Patrick: Future Mom, you're meant for better things!
Bunny: Mom? What are you--
Patrick: [leaning over her] I'm your son! From the future! [electricity sparks on his body]
Bunny: Uh-huh. Like you could even prove such a thing.
Patrick: [leans in] Your favorite color... is purple.
Bunny: [surprised] Ooh!
Patrick: Mm-hmm.
Bunny: OK. I'm convinced!
[A car drives across the screen. At the Klopnod Motor Speedway, Patrick and Bunny walk up to a racecar with a driver.]
Bunny: Cool! I love race cars! How did you know?
Patrick: You told me in the future! [takes out helmet] Here, let's put this on!
[Patrick slams the helmet on Bunny's head upside down, then sideways, then puts it on correctly.]
Patrick: Huh. OK, there we go.
Bunny: Wait. You mean I'm going to drive that car?
Patrick: Of course not. You're going to race that car! [gives thumbs up]
Bunny: Hmmm...
[Patrick walks in front of the two racers with a checkered flag.]
Patrick: OK. Ready?
Bunny: Um, not exactly.
Patrick: Set! Go!
[The car takes off and quickly completes its lap. Bunny walks slowly and pants, then collapses at the finish line. Patrick blinks twice in exasperation.]
Patrick: Oh, boy. We got a lot of work to do.
[Cut to the inside of a garage. Patrick and Bunny do jumping jacks. Patrick times Bunny as she jumps between tires. Patrick and Bunny train with a tire jack. Patrick, in a mustache and suit, pulls the lid off a platter that has a motor engine underneath. Bunny eats it whole. Patrick puts a funnel in her mouth and pours oil into it. He wheels Bunny behind a door, then brings a box of parts. He throws a muffler, a steering wheel, two resistors, a battery, and a pair of fuzzy dice over the door. Finally, Patrick takes four tires and pushes them in. Bunny takes out a drill. Sparks are seen behind the door as Patrick reads comics upside-down. Bunny takes out a can of spray paint, shakes it, and the paint covers the screen. Finally, Bunny exits the door, now transformed into a race car.]
Bunny: Beep, beep! [giggles]
Patrick: We did it! You're a race car!
[A newspaper spins on-screen, showing an image of Bunny as a race car.]
Announcer: Bunny wins big race!
[Patrick and Bunny are in front of a giant 1st place trophy as confetti rains down.]
Patrick: Well, I guess this means my work here is done.
Bunny: Are you sure this is what I told you I wanted?
Patrick: [pauses] Absolutely! Well, enjoy living your dream, Future Mom!
[Patrick goes back into the time closet and returns to his house.]
Patrick: That could not have gone better! [laughs]
[He notices something and screams. Squidina, with wheels instead of legs, rolls up to him.]
Squidina: Hey, are we doing the show today, or what?
Patrick: Oh, Squidina! You have wheels!
Squidina: So do you, dumb-dumb.
[The camera zooms out to show Patrick's upper body on tank treads.]
Patrick: Ah! [flails arms] When did this happen?!
Squidina: Why wouldn't we have wheels? Mom's a street sweeper, remember?
Patrick: [worried] A street sweeper?
Squidina: Ever since that unfortunate race car accident.
[Patrick rolls backwards into the time closet.]
Patrick: I'll be right back! I got to go fix something! [nervous noise]
[The time closet disappears in a blue flash of light. Outside the house, an adult Bunny drives by as a literal street-sweeping machine.]
Bunny: Oh, I can't imagine a more fulfilling life than this.
[Cut back to Patrick in Klopnod.]
Narrator: Klopnod, 30 years ago. Again.
[The past Patrick is talking to child Bunny.]
Patrick: Future Mom, you're meant for better things.
[A blue flash of light comes from the left.]
Patrick and Bunny: Huh?
[Patrick rides in on tank treads and runs over his old self, then talks to Bunny.]
Patrick: Don't listen to me! [points to his old self] Listen to [points to himself] me! You do not want to be a race car. [pauses] OK. [waves and drives away] Love you. Bye!
Bunny: Uhh... huh?
[Patrick rides away, clasping his hands and sweating.]
Patrick: Don't ruin anything else. Don't ruin anything else.
[He runs over a fire hydrant and the Mona Lisa.]
Patrick: Don't want to affect the future.
[He runs into a street lamp, which causes a small fire.]
Patrick: Oh. [pauses] Eh, it'll be fine.
[He goes into the time closet. Fire engulfs the screen. In the present, Patrick's normal legs are back.]
Patrick: Welcome back, legs!
[He notices something and screams; the camera pans out to show that the room is on fire. The entire house is burning. Squidina walks up to him, wearing a yellow flame-resistant suit.]
Squidina: Another beautiful day, huh, Patrick?
[A flame burns Patrick's face.]
Patrick: [hoarsely] A little toasty for my taste. Let me try this again.
[An exterior shot of the house is shown with an Arctic backdrop.]
Patrick: Not right.
[A blue flash. The background is now plaid.]
Patrick: Not right.
[A blue flash. The screen is upside-down.]
Patrick: Nope.
[A blue flash. The house is now a toilet.]
Patrick: Uh-uh.
[A blue flash. The house is now a cheeseburger, milkshake, and fries.]
Patrick: Awesome! But not right.
[A blue flash. The house seems normal.]
Patrick: Maybe?
[A giant monster foot crushes the house.]
Patrick: [pained] Maybe not.
[A time card is displayed.]
French Narrator: Many attempts to fix the past later...
[Patrick exits the time machine cautiously and looks around. He sneaks into the kitchen. His entire family is there, looking normal.]
Patrick: Huh? Could it really be? Life is normal again!
[Growling and barking noises are heard. Patrick lifts up his shirt to reveal a live-action mouth on his stomach.]
Bunny: Ooh! Sounds like my special little boy is hungry!
[Patrick sits at the table with a fork and knife.]
Patrick: Oh, yeah!
Bunny: Good. Because you're just in time for dinner!
[She holds up a spatula with a steak, peas, and mashed potatoes on it. Patrick laughs, but abruptly looks confused.]
Patrick: But it's breakfast time.
Bunny: Hm? What's breakfast?
[An owl hooting is heard. Patrick screams and runs away to the time closet.]
Patrick: [determined] No silly glitches this time!
[He opens the door and goes inside. He crashes into something in the back and comes out covered in articles of clothing.]
Patrick: Oh! What the-- Mom, when did the time closet become a regular closet?
Bunny: What's a time closet?
Patrick: Nooooooo! I guess I'll just have to reinvent the time closet from scratch.
[Patrick sits in an upside down cardboard box with "TIME CLOƧET" written on it and a clock taped to the front.]
Patrick: Beep! Bloop, bloop. Bleep! Kaboom. Ring, ring, ring. [lifts box] Aw, man. It didn't work.
Squidina: You didn't really think taping a clock to a cardboard box would allow you to traverse the circuits of time, did you?
Patrick: Kind of. [drops box]
Squidina: Inventing a time travel device would require decades of advanced education and scientific research.
Patrick: Then I guess it's time for another montage.
[Patrick runs up to the Bikini Bottom Institute of Technology. He slams the doors open and marches in. He shoves a student out of the way, puts on his glasses, and writes on a paper. Patrick grabs a book from a shelf and opens it. Math symbols appear behind him as he reads. Patrick spins in a Multi Axis Trainer. Patrick, sitting in a room full of books, turns the hands on a clock backwards, studies it, and writes in a book. Patrick drops some worms into a hole in the ground. Patrick, in a chemist outfit, pours a vial into a beaker, and shakes it up. The resulting combination explodes. He takes notes. Patrick rides by on a ladder and picks books off a shelf. He reads a book as the seasons change behind him. He picks up a book and spins against a space backdrop, finally growing hair resembling Albert Einstein's. His brain grows and explodes, showing himself receiving his diploma.]
College chancellor: Congratulations!
Patrick: Yeah!
[Patrick, still with hair and a mustache, returns home. He drops a pile of wooden planks on the ground and effortlessly transforms it into a time machine. He pushes it into the closet and turns it on.]
Patrick: Finally back in business!
[Patrick runs up to the time closet. The older Patrick comes out and blocks the door.]
Patrick: You are not going in there!
Younger Patrick: Who are you?
Patrick: I'm you! As an older, smarter sea star. I'm here to tell you that going back in time could impact your future in horrible, unspeakable ways!
Younger Patrick: Oh! Guess I'll go do something else, then!
Patrick: Well, how about some breakfast?
Younger Patrick: We just had breakfast 15 minutes ago.
Patrick: Oh. [sadly] Well, I suppose it can wait until tomorrow.
Younger Patrick: Or... we can use the time closet to go back 15 minutes!
Patrick: Uh... [thinks] Great idea! After you.
[The two Patricks walk into the time closet and high five, then shut the door. A blue flash of light covers the screen. Bunny hums happily in the kitchen, cracking two eggs into a pan. The yolks have Patrick and his younger self's faces and arms.]
Patricks: Yay! Breakfast!
[The iris in zooms in, but stops when Patrick notices something.]
Patrick: Hmm. There's that toasty feeling again!