The Sandman Cometh/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "The Sandman Cometh" from season 15, which aired on December 11, 2024.

[The episode opens at Jellyfish Fields, where SpongeBob and Patrick are laughing while chasing a jellyfish with their nets. They bump into a rock and continue chasing the jellyfish. Patrick runs into SpongeBob, and Patrick raises his net to catch the jellyfish.]
Spongebob: Ooh, you got him, Patrick!
Patrick: You're mine now, jelly!
Jellyfish: [buzzes and flinches]
Patrick: [falls asleep, snoring]
[The jellyfish gets down from the rock as SpongeBob holds a stopwatch. The jellyfish hesitates, then runs away.]
French Narrator: [narrating time card] One nap later.
[At night, SpongeBob now has a five o'clock shadow and is still holding the stopwatch. Patrick is still asleep while standing up.]
Patrick: [wakes up] Huh? How long was I out?
SpongeBob: [stops the stopwatch] About a week.
Patrick: Whoo! A new record! [laughs] Yeah, it's all in the old wrist. [swings his net and falls on his stomach, falling back asleep, snoring]
SpongeBob: [groans]
[Bubble transition to Patrick next to his bed in his sleepwear.]
Patrick: [tucks himself in bed] Ah, nothing like a day of napping to tucker you out. Good night, Mr. Lamp. [turns out the lamp, making it disintegrate, then goes to sleep for a brief moment before his eyes open back up] Huh, not sleeping yet. Oh, maybe if I lay this way. [sleeps on his side, then in a different position, then on his back, then laying on the headboard, then on his head, and returns to his old position] I guess I'll just sit up and wait to get sleepy. [pouts]
French Narrator: [narrating time card] 24 sleepless hours later.
Patrick: [groans, looks at his wrist] I've been waiting to sleep all day! [looking at a watch, which is just his skin imprinted in the shape of one] Oh, it's already half past a freckle. [gets up, his blanket disintegrating] Guess I'll see what SpongeBob's doing.
[SpongeBob turns to his other side in his bed, snoring. A dark figure stands in front of him as he wakes up, and the figure is revealed to be a disgruntled Patrick.]
Patrick: [ominously exhales] Wanna hang out?
SpongeBob: [rubs his eyes] Oh, Patrick, it's you. What are you doing here so late?
Patrick: I can't sleep. Let's do stuff!
SpongeBob: Um, okay, sure, [looks at his foghorn clock] but I have to be up in four hours.
Patrick: [holding SpongeBob's foot] Perfect!
SpongeBob: [gets pulled along by Patrick] Whoa!
[Patrick is playing a video game on SpongeBob's TV in the living room. SpongeBob is sitting asleep while holding another controller.]
Patrick: I can't believe you're beating me! [sees SpongeBob snoring] Huh?
[Patrick then plays checkers with SpongeBob, who is still asleep.]
Patrick: Uh. [moves SpongeBob's hand on the board to make him play] You win again? All right. [resetting checkers board] Best 200 out of 300.
SpongeBob: [mumbling]
[Bubble transition to Patrick and SpongeBob outside, with Patrick inside a bulldozer and SpongeBob inside a crane.]
Patrick: First one to dig to Rock Bottom wins!
SpongeBob: [slowly blinks]
Patrick: [rapidly moving levers] Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum. [babbling as the bulldozer starts digging]
SpongeBob: [sighs and falls to the front of the crane, which scoops itself up to land on the bulldozer] Patrick, this is really fun and all, but I need to get to bed.
Patrick: But I still can't sleep.
SpongeBob: [opening up one of Patrick's eyelids] Patrick, you've got to get some sleep and fast, or else you could start seeing things.
Patrick: Wait. [looking around] I'm seeing things now. [sees SpongeBob's house] House! [looks at the ground] Ground! [looks at the sky] Sky! Make it stop, SpongeBob! Make it stop!
SpongeBob: [zips up Patrick's eyes] Don't worry, pal. I'll help you get to-- [falls asleep, snoring]
Patrick: [opens his eyes, shaking SpongeBob] Hey, that's my sleep!
SpongeBob: [wakes up] Huh? [groans, sleeping against Patrick] Sleep.
[The scene changes to Patrick tucked in bed, with SpongeBob by his side.]
SpongeBob: [fluffing Patrick's pillow] All you need is a good tucking in, [holds up a baby milk bottle] and some warm milk. [squirts a drop of milk onto his arm and feeds the bottle to Patrick] And some chamomile tea. [holds up a baby bottle of tea, squirting a drop onto his arm and feeds it to Patrick] And my favorite lullaby. [cranks the handle on a music box to play a lullaby]
Patrick: [his eyes start closing]
SpongeBob: [his eyes start closing, and he falls asleep, falling over]
Patrick: [spits out the bottles] SpongeBob, I still can't sleep. [gets up, his blanket disintegrating] Huh?
SpongeBob: [cradled on the floor, sucking on his thumb while asleep]
Patrick: Oh, looks like I'll have to do this the old-fashioned way. [gets out of his rock, and throws a rock into the air, which lands on his head and squishes it] Oh, I'm still awake. [his head goes back to normal; grabs a water pipe from the ground and hits his head with it, which only bends the pipe] Still awake. [tosses away the pipe and pulls on a chain to drop a giant anchor onto his head, which breaks in half and squashes his head] I think it's working. [his head goes back to normal] No. Ugh. I didn't want to do this, [raises his fists] but I'm down to my last resort. [approaches Squidward's house and knocks on the door]
Squidward: [answers the door] Patrick, what could you possibly want at this hour of the night?
Patrick: [sighs] I need to hear your life story.
Squidward: Just as I thought, an idiotic-- what? You need to hear my life story?
Patrick: Yep. [enters, lands on a sofa inside]
Squidward: Well, it's such short notice. I don't have anything prepared, [struggles to pull out a giant book] except this rough manuscript. I call it "Tentacles: Eight Legs, Eight Lives."
Patrick: [his eyes push away the book] But you only have four legs.
Squidward: And two arms.
Patrick: Oh, yeah. Yeah, that makes eight.
Squidward: [clears throat] Chapter 1. "In my youth, my brilliance was evident. [Patrick yawns] Instead of wasting my time making friends, I made art. [Patrick looks at his watch] I recall making a rather sophisticated tentacle painting that even my teacher--"
Patrick: [groans] Wait a minute. I'm not getting sleepy. I'm just getting bored. [gets up with his pipe]
Squidward: "--and perplexity as I was bequeathed an award for my achievements."
Patrick: [knocks Squidward out with the pipe off-screen] Huh. Well, at least my pipe works for him. [leaves]
[Cut to Patrick tying a hot dog on a fishing pole attached to his head] Uh-huh. If I'm not sleepy, I'll just have to tire myself out. [chuckles] Oh, a hot dog! [chases the hot dog around his rock] Gimme! [laughing]
French Narrator: [narrating time card] Several days later.
[Patrick is still chasing the hot dog around his rock, except now he has a beard and it is now dawn. He also has made a ditch around his rock from all the running.]
Patrick: [falls over, grabbing the hot dog, laughs] I've got you now, you little old man.
Hot dog: [now stale and with a beard] You want to see a picture of my grandkids? [gets eaten by Patrick, as well as the pole he was attached to]
Patrick: [laughs]
SpongeBob: [approaches] Uh, hi, Patrick. Still not sleeping, huh?
Patrick: How can you tell?
SpongeBob: Uh, just a hunch. [chuckles awkwardly] Looks like you need a visit from the Sandman. [moves his hand, dust falling from it] He'd blow a little a sand your eyes, and you'd be out like a light.
Patrick: A Sandman! [laughs, then his eyes change colors] Eyes, out like a light! [laughs maniacally, then sinks under]
SpongeBob: Okay. [waves and walks off] See you later.
Patrick: [laughs as he forms a sand mound, then puts a flannel shirt and funnel onto it] Me make Sandman. [laughs as he rips his beard off and puts it on the sand mound, creating a figure] Okay, Mr. Sandman. [pulls down his eyelids] Now blow sand in my eyes and put me to sleep. What's wrong? You need more sand? [grabs more sand from the ground and hears laughter, and notices the Sandman sculpture is gone] Huh? [tosses away his rock] Gah!
Sandman: [laughs and runs away]
Patrick: Get back here!
Sandman: Ooh, you'll have to catch me first. [giggles]
Patrick: [chases after the Sandman, yelling]
[Patrick chases after the Sandman in downtown Bikini Bottom.]
Sandman: [slides under a boat and jumps past a fruit stand] Whee! [twirls around a street pole and runs away]
Patrick: '[runs through the boat, destroying it]
Lou: Hey, cool, a raving lunatic.
Patrick: [runs through the fruit stand, destroying it] I'll chase you to the ends of the ocean, Sandman! [breaks the pole, then tackles the Sandman, pinning him down] Gah!
Sandman: [giggles, blowing magical dust onto Patrick]
Patrick: Finally. [it is revealed he is actually underneath a bus exhaust pipe] Ooh, oh, that's it. Keep it comin'. [the exhaust sputters] Oh! [the bus drives away] Oh, where are you going?
Sandman: [skating backwards, giggles and waves]
Patrick: [chasing after the Sandman] I'm not sleepy yet!
[The Sandman jumps over the fence of someone's house.]
Sandman: [laughs as he kicks dust into Patrick's eyes from on top of a litter box] Meow!
[The Sandman is revealed to actually be a snail.]
Patrick: [groans in delight] Come on. More! [the snail leaves the litter box] Where are you going? [chases after the Sandman, breaking through the fence]
Sandman: [laughs as he runs away on skates]
[Patrick is seen standing in front of a woodchipper being fed wood by a construction worker.]
Patrick: Better. But I need more!
[The construction man turns into the Sandman.]
Sandman: Yoo-hoo! [laughs as he flies past Patrick]
Patrick: Huh? [groans as he chases after the Sandman]
Sandman: [laughs as he flies through Squidward's window, then opens the front door and blows a raspberry at Patrick]
Patrick: [yelling, tackles the Sandman and grabs him, shaking him] Sandman, your stupid sleep sand doesn't work!
SpongeBob: [grabbing onto Patrick's shoulders] Patrick, stop! That's no Sandman! That's Squidward!
[The screen zooms out to show that Patrick has beaten up Squidward]
Squidward: [groans lying on the ground, coughs out a bone]
Patrick: Oops.
Squidward: [gets up, groans, wiping himself clean] Hmph. [walks off] Another misadventure for my memoir.
Patrick: It's no use, SpongeBob. All the Sandman's sand couldn't make me sleepy. [blinks with dust in his eyes] I guess I'll just be awake for the [grabs onto SpongeBob] rest of my life.
SpongeBob: Oh, aha. If you're gonna be awake forever, [poking Patrick] then you might as well put that to good use.
Patrick: [laughs]
[Cut to Conch Street at dusk. Patrick is in a semi truck.]
Patrick: SpongeBob, you were right. My awakeyness makes me the perfect all-night long-haul trucker! [pulls on a string to honk the truck horn]
SpongeBob: [salutes] 10-4, good buddy.
Patrick: [holding the truck speaker, then switches gears] All right, keep your rubber side down and the bugs off your glass. I'll catch you on the flip-- [suddenly falls asleep as the truck moves backwards into traffic, causing an explosion and making boats crash into each other]
Sandman: [appears in the back seat, laughs, then blows dust onto the screen as it fades out]