The Show Must Go Yawn/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "The Show Must Go Yawn/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[Patrick is running ahead, with sweat dripping from his face. Bunny is snoring on the living room sofa.]
Patrick: [running down the stairs while holding a dinosaur figure] Stay back! Not one step closer, you brute! Yah! [bounces off of Bunny and continues running] Hang in there, Danny-saurus Rex. Keep those little legs a-pumpin'! [jumps and skids as GrandPat locks a door he just came out from; gives Patrick the key as his slides by, and GrandPat's arm rips off] Thank you!
GrandPat: [groans]
Patrick: [bouncing along the highway as he passes Cecil] Outta my way, cop! [lands on the floor] You're not catching us now! [breaks through a door with the key in his hand, making it fall apart] We made it, buddy! From this day forward, we live life the way we want to live it... In prison.
Squidina: Cut! That was good. [puts makeup on Patrick's face] But you're busting out of prison, remember? [one of Patrick's eyes coughs] It's okay, [holds a color temperature meter] we'll fix the dialogue in post. I just need one more shot before we film the grand finale... your motorcycle jump to freedom! [holds her camera] And... action! [steps backward] Remember, you're taking your first steps as a free sea star.
Patrick: [in awe] Oh, wow. Look at all this freedom!
Squidina: Yes! Good stuff.
Patrick: So much freedom all around!
Squidina: [loses balance] Whoa! [falls back a stair] Still rolling! Huh? [slips on a bunch of marbles and falls back more steps] Whoa! Oh! Still rolling! [slips on some ink, then some slug slime, then gets on a pogo stick, then slips on some toys to use as rollerskates, then runs into a pole and frantically grabs the camera] Still rolling! [the pogo stick bounces on the railing, sending Squidina crashing down more stairs] Whoa! Oof! [groans, heavily injured]
Patrick: Did we get the shot? [one of Squidina's teeth falls out]
French narrator: [narrating time card as a hospital siren wails] One trip to the emergency room later...
[Squidina is in a full body cast on her bed, with Patrick, Cecil, and Bunny next to her.]
Bunny: Don't worry, honey. Your tentacles will heal. They just need a little time to rest.
Patrick: [looks at his watch] Three, two, one. [hops onto Squidina's bed] Okay! Now that you've rested, let's film the big motorcycle jump finale!
Bunny: Oh, Squidina can't help you with your little show, dear. You'll have to do it yourself.
Patrick: Myself? But who's gonna tell me where to stand and what to say and when to breathe?
Squidina: You can do this! It'll be automatic, like riding a bicycle.
Patrick: Riding a bicycle? I can do that! [cut to him breaking through his bedroom wall with a bicycle on his back] Yah! Ha-ha! [sends the bicycle crashing off-screen as he lands on the stage] Welcome to The Patrick Show! [rubs hands together] We've got a great guest coming up, but first... [uses a realistic hand to punch his stomach to launch a deck of cards from his mouth] a card trick. [holds out all the cards] Pick a card. [silence] I said, pick a card. [stretches out his body horizontally to show the cards in a straight line]
Lawnie #1: [off-screen] We can't see you! [the window curtain is closed, Patrick drops his cards] Hello?
Lawnie #2: What am I looking at here?
Lawnie #3: C'mon! Pull the curtain already!
Patrick: [spots a red wire near the curtain string] Oh, I see what's going on here. [grabs the red wire] Pull the red rope for the red curtain. [yanks the red wire, sending a stage light attached to it towards him and breaking it] Hmmm... [pulls a lever, which turns the lights out and makes him flash] Nope. [holds up a space cat to the curtains]
Space cat: [meows, frantically scratches at the curtain]
Patrick: [screams as the cat scratches his face]
[A cat platform moves across the screen as the scene changes to Patrick angrily talking to the curtain.]
Patrick: You leave me no choice, Kurt! Feel the fury of a strong breeze! [extends his arms to turn them into a fan to blow air at the curtain, which only pushes him back; screams and bumps around the room, then gets tangled in a rope, which pulls down the curtain]
Lawnies: [cheer]
Patrick: [yells as he is flung onto the stage, then faceplants, with a card on his forehead] Is this your card?
Lawnies: [gasp]
[Elsewhere, a knight falls onto the ground, followed by their sword.]
Teensy Tom: [as a knight on a seahorse, aiming a sword at the other knight] Only one of us will make it out of here alive!
Daddy Dartfish: [taking off the head part of his seahorse costume] Or... we can learn to come together and talk out our differences.
Squidina: Cut! [Sister Dartfish is on her stomach filming a castle stage] Again, Mr. Dartfish, the seahorse is not a speaking role. Let's try what is written this time. And action!
[Cut back to Patrick, who is having his blood sucked by an unseen source.]
Patrick: Welcome back. Please give a warm Patrick Show welcome [voice becomes raspy] to Nosferatu.
Lawnies: [cheer]
Nosferatu: [pulls out the two straws attached to Patrick from his own mouth, then dabs his mouth with a cloth]
Patrick: [blows his thumb to inflate himself back to normal] Whoo! Okay, I have got a little surprise for you. [waves a card with something written on it] Someone from your past that you haven't seen in centuries! [reads the card] Say hello... to your son!
Nosferatu: Hmm?
Patrick: Oops! I mean, say hello to... the sun!
[The sun appears dangling from a rope on the ceiling, and moves toward Nosferatu.]
Nosferatu: [holds his hands out, then gets incinerated by the sun and turns into a pile of ash]
Lawnies: [cheer, then groan]
Sun: [looks awkwardly, then whistles and backs away]
[Cut back to two Dartfish portraying knights holding swords.]
Teensy Tom: En garde! [drops his sword] Whoops! [picks up his sword]
Sister Dartfish: [sniffs, lifts up her suit mask] What is that smell?
Patrick: [opens Squidina's bedroom door] Um, Squidina? I think I might need a little help after all.
Squidina: Why? Everything going okay with, uh... [Daddy Dartfish is holding up a clipboard] Nosferatu?
Daddy Dartfish: [gets crushed by the clipboard] Oh!
Patrick: Um... [steps inside] Maybe you should ask him. [holds out a dustpan with Nosferatu in it]
Squidina: [leaps out of her bed] Patrick! You cannot incinerate the guests! [groans] Okay. I'll figure out a way to help you from here. In the meantime, just get back down there and keep the show going!
Patrick: [runs out the door] Okay, okay!
Squidina: What am I gonna do?
[The other Dartfish lift up the clipboard to reveal a flattened Daddy Dartfish.]
Daddy Dartfish: [unflattens] We're happy to help any way we can.
[A TV moves across the screen as the scene changes to the Dartfish pulling a TV along by ropes.]
Dartfish: Heave! Ho! Heave! Ho!
Squidina: [as the Dartfish pull the TV up to a table on her level] Nice work, Dartfish. Now let's see what Patrick's up to.
[Sister Dartfish carries Teensy Tom, who turns on the TV.]
Patrick: Banana.
Lawnies: Banana who?
Patrick: Knock, knock.
Lawnies: Who's there?
Patrick: Banana.
Lawnies: Banana who?
Squidina: Looks like he's doing his comedy routine. [the Dartfish get onto her arm] Okay, Dartfish, now remember, I'll watch Patrick from here, and if he needs direction...
Daddy Dartfish: We'll relay the message for you.
Dartfish: [put their hands together] Go Dartfish! [run off]
Patrick: Orange.
Lawnies: Orange who?
Patrick: Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
Lawnies: [loudly, creating a burst of wind that hits Patrick] Yes!
Patrick: If you thought that was funny, get a load of this. [clears throat] Why did the sea chicken cross the playground?
Lawnies: Why?
Patrick: [surprised] Uh... [starts sweating]
Squidina: To get to the other slide! Quick, pass it along!
Daddy Dartfish: [notices, drops his book and runs off] Okie dokie! Honey!
Mommy Dartfish: [a far distance away] What's the message, dear?
Daddy Dartfish: To get to the other slide!
Mommy Dartfish: Spaghetti covered in slime! Got it! [puts on half a nut shell on her head, rides a paper airplane down the stairs, then lands inside the toaster] Whoa!
Sister Dartfish: Mom! Are you okay?
[The toaster pops up, Mommy Dartfish and the paper airplane now burnt.]
Mommy Dartfish: [coughs] Spaghetti covered in slime. [falls down, doing the splits]
Sister Dartfish: Two yetis... committing crimes. Okay, got it! [runs off] Thanks, Mom! [uses an eraser with thumbtacks pushed in for wheels as a skateboard] Teensy Tom!
Teensy Tom: [hanging from the bedroom door's nose] At your service!
Sister Dartfish: Two yetis co-- [Ouchie tackles her and licks her] Two yetis co-- [laughs] Committing crimes! [laughs]
Teensy Tom: To get to the other slide? [laughs] Hilarious! [the bedroom door sticks out its tongue, which he uses as a diving board] Alley oop! [runs on the floor] Patrick! Patrick!
Patrick: [still sweating] Uh...
Teensy Tom: [drastically high-pitched, jumping up and down] To get to the other slide! To get to the other slide!
Patrick: Ew, a bug! [steps on Teensy Tom]
Squidina: [falls over on her bed] This is no way to direct a TV show! I need to be there! But how? [hears banging] Huh? [sees a Roomba repeatedly hitting her bed]
Patrick: [lifts his foot] Teensy Tom? Why are you stuck to the bottom of my foot, little guy?
Teensy Tom: [flattened, weakly] To... get... to... the... other... slide.
Patrick: Ha! Good joke! Oh, I could've used that earlier.
Squidina: [voice heard] Hey, Patrick! [through the Roomba with a walkie-talkie and a picture of Squidina taped to it] Your director is back!
Patrick: Squidina! [picks up the Roomba and hugs it] You're all better!
Squidina: [through the walkie-talkie] Yeah, now let's get the show back on track. [Patrick places the Roomba back onto the floor] I think you can win the audience over with a dance routine.
Patrick: [puts on an outfit] Oh, I'm already there, sis. [dances]
Lawnies: [amused, clapping to the beat]
Squidina: [through the walkie-talkie] Wow, Patrick! The Lawnies are loving it! [the Roomba runs into the damaged stage light and gets electrocuted and set on fire]
Patrick: Hey! Uh-oh. Fire.
Squidina: Fire? Okay, just keep it away from anything flammable. [the Roomba touches the curtain, setting it on fire] We can't have it spread.
Patrick: Okay. It should be fine. It's nowhere near Dad's collection of dried corn husks... [the fire reaches Cecil's collection of vintage husks, and a piece of it jumps over Patrick] Or the decorative fountain full of nitroglycerin... [the fiery piece of husk lands in the fountain of nitroglycerin, making the stage TV explode]
All: [scream as they get launched into the air and fall down]
Squidina: [screams, Patrick lands directly on the TV next to her]
Patrick: Oh! [waves] Hey, Squidina. Um... what if we did the show in here?
Squidina: In here? And what about the Lawnies?
[The Lawnies, still on the bleachers, crash through the ceiling next to Patrick and Squidina.]
Squidina: Oh. But still. There's no room for the--
Patrick: Big motorcycle finale can happen [points to the floor] right here! [gets crushed by the ramp falling through the ceiling, then a motorcycle falls down as well]
Squidina: Patrick! I knew you could make the show work on your own.
Patrick: [head emerges from the ramp, injured] Well, what can I say? [his front tooth falls out] I'm a professional.
Squidina: Okay, I can do this. Patrick! Are you ready for the grand finale?
Patrick: [sitting on the motorcycle in biker gear, facing backwards] Yeah.
Squidina: [off-screen] Other way, Patrick.
Patrick: [turns around] Oh. [pushes on the gas]
Squidina: Ready, camera 1! [Sister Dartfish holds up a camera] After this last jump, you should be home free. And... action!
Patrick: [places the dinosaur toy in the passenger seat] Come on, Danny-saurus Rex. Let's make like a tumbleweed and ride this motorcycle. [rides up the ramp and into the sky, landing on the road below]
Lawnies: [cheer]
Squidina: It worked! We did it! We got the shot!
Patrick: [turns a crank to turn on rock music, sniffs, then exhales] Feels good to be free, huh, Danny?
Danny-saurus Rex: [winks at the camera as they ride into the sunset]
["The End" appears on-screen. The screen then turns black as some text reads "Based on a true story."]