There Goes the Neighborhood/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "There Goes the Neighborhood/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[The episode starts with some lawnies watching Patrick's show. Patrick is on stage next to a curtain, holding a rope in his hand.]
Patrick: Welcome to a spank-branding new episode of "The Patrick Show." Let's figure out today's topic with... [pulls rope to open curtains] the Wheel of Ideas! [every icon on the wheel is ice cream, Patrick giggles and whispers] I replaced all the topics with [wiggles eyebrows] ice cream! [grins and spins it] Come on, rocky road!
[The wheel gets loose and almost hits Squidina, who runs out of the way.]
Squidina: Ah! Oh no! Huh?
Bedroom Door: Huh? [screams and swallows the wheel, coughs]
[The wheel crashes through the wall, runs over Fred, and breaks through Gladys' fence.]
Gladys: Huh? [gets hit by wheel, grunts]
[A dizzy Gladys pops out of the wheel, her head replacing one of the ice cream cones. Squidina runs up and points.]
Squidina: Patrick, look! Today's topic isn't [waves hand dismissively] ice cream. [bell rings] It's neighbors!
[Patrick is wearing a Goofy Goober's hat and bib and holding a sundae.]
Patrick: Tartar sauce.
[An empty ice cream cone transitions to a crude crayon drawing of a neighborhood.]
Patrick: [as logo appears] Patrick's Neighborhood!
[Zoom out to show Patrick in a sweater as the drawing is pinned to his wall. He swallows a piece of gum and blows a bubble, pops it with a crayon, licks the gum off his face and spits it out. He sticks another crayon into his bellybutton.]
Patrick: [singing] ♪ Neighbor, neighbor, neighbor, neighbor, [pulls crayon out, showing small figures of him and Squidina on each] neighborhood! [waves crayons and shakes his butt] Let's explore the neighbor, neighbor, neighbor, neighborhood! [the crayon figures go up to a drawing of Granny Tentacles' house] A neighbor, ha heh, is someone... [the Patrick figure runs off, Squidina's figure shakes, and the Patrick one comes back] you live near! ♪
[Fade to Patrick and Squidina walking to Granny Tentacles' house. Squidina has a handheld camera and a bike helmet. Patrick holds a microphone.]
Patrick: Today, we're gonna go around and ask our neighbors burning questions, like, who are they? Why are they? And most importantly, [to screen] do they have any ice cream? [knocks on door] Granny Tentacles!
[The camera footage glitches out as we see Squidina's camera view. Patrick knocks on the door. The camera zooms to Granny Tentacles' window. She looks out, scowls, and pulls the blinds shut.]
Granny Tentacles: Oh, wonderful. It's those cute little kids from next door... who make my life miserable!
Patrick: [mouth appears in doorknob] Granny Tentacles, could you come out, please? We just want to ask questions. [to screen] Like, do grandmas only eat prunes? Do prunes taste good? [to Granny Tentacles] Do you have any prune-flavored ice cream?
Granny Tentacles: [snarls, shushes doorbell, staged] I'll be with you in a minute, dearie. I just have to freshen up.
Patrick: Okay! [laughs]
Squidina: [rubs camera with her elbow]
[Granny Tentacles stands up, taking her house with her, and runs away. Only the door is left behind.]
Granny Tentacles: Sayonara, simpletons! [cackles]
[Squidina puts the camera back on her helmet. Patrick gesture to the door.]
Patrick: Gee. If she's taking this long to freshen up, she must really be [raises eyebrows] stale. Let's come back [points] later.
[They leave and the door falls. Cut back to the crayon figures.]
Patrick: [scatting] ♪ Neighborhood! [a fly hits the Patrick figure, and he holds it up to the camera] Yeah! ♪
[Cut to Patrick knocking on the door of a normal house.]
Patrick: I wonder who lives here.
Slappy: [opens door] Hello. [waves, studio applause]
Patrick: [happily] Slappy! I didn't know you lived so close.
Slappy: Oh, I have to live close to my [holds hands together] favorite celebrity. [snickers eerily, then brings them into a modern-looking living room] Come. Make yourself comfortable.
[Squidina sits on the couch. Patrick takes out his microphone.]
Patrick: So, Slappy, how long have you been living here?
Slappy: Oh, about 45 seconds. [snickers]
[The door opens. A tough fish, a teen girl, and a little girl walk in, the first two carrying groceries.]
Tough fish: [angry] You again?
Slappy: [snickers] Well, nice talking to you. [revs up legs] I have to run. [snickers eerily]
[Slappy runs around in a circle, then jumps through the window.]
Slappy: Whoa! Oh...
[He comes back to reach for a figurine of a fish fishing.]
Tough fish: Scram!
[Slappy takes it and runs away with it.]
Slappy: [laughing nervously]
Patrick: Well, then. Um... [takes out microphone] so neighbor.
[A bell noise is heard as the fish growls in anger. Slappy head cutouts are seen pasted over pictures on the background.]
Patrick: Do people often break into your house? [points] Are you housebroken? [looks at groceries] I see you've got some groceries. [fish growls] Do you by chance have any ice [he and Squidina are kicked out of the house] creaaaaam?
[Cut back to the crayon figures flying through the air. Squidina's is upside down.]
Patrick: [yelling] Neighborhoooood!
[The crayon figures splat onto a snail shell-shaped house. Transition to Patrick and Squidina landing in front of it.]
Patrick and Squidina: [grunt]
Squidina: Ooh. I always wondered about this snail-shaped house!
[Patrick rings the snail-shaped doorbell, which hisses and goes back into its shell. A heavily clothed woman with googly eyes and glasses exits the door.]
Snail Lady: [muffled speech]
Patrick: Hiya, Snail Lady!
[Snails are seen crawling all over the house. Snail Lady takes Patrick and Squidina inside.]
Snails: [meowing]
Patrick: Wow. I love your décor.
Squidina: [nervously] You sure are... [chuckles] dedicated to a theme, heh. [doorbell rings]
Patrick and Squidina: Huh?
[The mailman is at the door.]
Mailman: [takes out mail] Snail mail for the Snail Lady.
[Snails hiss and attack the mailman, shredding his face to a skeleton.]
Mailman: They don't pay me enough for this.
Patrick: So tell me, Snail Lady, [leans in] why snails?
Snail Lady: [muffled speech]
Patrick: You know, we'd hear you better without the scarf.
[He takes off the Snail Lady's clothes, revealing a snail instead.]
Snail: [meows]
[The rest of the disguise collapses, revealing more meowing snails.]
Snails: [meowing]
Patrick: [covers Squidina's eyes] Put some clothes on, lady! This is a family show!
[The snails hiss. Patrick and Squidina run out of the house with snails attacking them.]
Patrick and Squidina: [yelling]
[Cut back to the crayon figures, now with snails on them that fall off as they run.]
Patrick: Neighborhood! Neighborhood!
[The figures run to a mansion. Cut to an exhausted Patrick and Squidina in front of it. A "Beware of Dog" sign is on the fence.]
Patrick and Squidina: [panting]
Patrick: Hm. [jumps over fence]
Squidina: Uh, Patrick, that sign says "beware of--"
Patrick: Come on! [pulls her over]
[They walk up to the mansion.]
Squidina: Whoa, fancy place! I wonder who lives here!
Patrick: Let's find out! I'll knock! [humming] Leedle leedle lee... [knocks on doghouse]
Squidina: Um, Patrick. The door's [points to door] over there.
Patrick: [leans into doghouse] Hello?
[Cecil comes out, dressed as a dog.]
Cecil: [aggressive barking]
Patrick and Squidina: [yelling]
Cecil: [calmly] Hey, kiddos!
Patrick and Squidina: Dad? [Cecil scratches himself]
Squidina: What are you doing dressed like that?
Cecil: My new job. I just got hired as a guard dog for this fancy house.
Patrick: Whoa. [to Squidina] That sounds like killer interview material. [takes out mic] Tell us more.
Cecil: Oh, I'm sorry, son. I'm on guard duty. And [pokes him] you guys are technically trespassers, so... [aggressive barking]
[Cecil chases Patrick and Squidina away and she hops the fence. Cecil bites Patrick in the butt, making him yelp and land on the other side of the fence. They run away as he leans over the fence with some of Patrick's pants in his mouth. Cecil waves to them.]
Cecil: [muffled, calmly] See you at dinner, kids!
[Cut back the crayon figures. Patrick's has a bite taken out of it.]
Patrick: ♪ Neighbor, neighbor, neighbor, neighbor, neighborhood! ♪
[Patrick picks some gum out of his teeth with his tongue and sticks it back onto his figure.]
Patrick: ♪ Let's explore the neighbor, neighbor, neighbor, neighborhood ♪ [comes up to a house] Woo! [chuckles]
[Cut to Patrick and Squidina at another house. Patrick knocks. Patrick's bedroom door answers.]
Bedroom Door: Ah, hey, Patrick.
Patrick: [pleasantly surprised] Bedroom Door? What are you doing here?
Bedroom Door: Your bedroom's just my 9 to 5, but I live here. Come inside and meet the family.
Patrick: [eyes shrink in surprise, then turns to Squidina] Family!? [to camera] That means they must have ice cream! [drags Squidina in]
Squidina: Whoa!
[Patrick pants, and then looks at Bedroom Door.]
Bedroom Door: Patrick, Squidina, these are my children, [shows two kid doors] Doreen, and Isadore, [a door barking like a dog comes up] our pet, Fi-door.
Fi-door: [barks]
[A female door comes up.]
Bedroom Door: And of course, my wife, Dorothy.
Squidina: Aw. What an a-[elbows Patrick]-door-able family. [elbows Patrick again]
Patrick and Squidina: [giggling]
Bedroom Door: Well, I am happy to see you, Patrick. But uh, well, we were just about to sit down to dinner.
[Doreen, Isadore, and Fi-door are seen around a table. A package in a pile of mail is at the center of the table.]
Fi-door: [panting]
Patrick: Hmm. I don't see any ice cream. Yeah, I think we're done here.
[Patrick and Squidina leave, and he slams the door on Bedroom Door.]
Cecil: Ow! Not so hard, son.
Patrick: Dad? [unzips door to see Cecil in it]
Patrick and Squidina: Dad!?
Cecil: Shh! That's right, kids. This is my other new job.
Dorothy: Cecil, what did I tell you about talking to guests while you're on the clock?
Cecil: [butt clenches] Uh, slam! Knock, knock! [zips door back up] Creak!
Patrick: Glad I don't have a job.
[Patrick and Squidina walk away. The crayon figures go up to a creepy old house, which makes them shiver.]
Patrick: ♪ Neighbor, neighbor, neighbor! Neighbor, neighbor, neighbor! Neighbor, neighbor, neighbor! ♪
[Lightning flashes and a wolf howls as the camera pans down the house.]
Squidina: Um, maybe we don't have to meet everyone in the neighborhood, Patrick.
Patrick: No way! Our legions of fans are counting on us to give them a [holds up microphone] show.
Slappy: [watching from bushes with binoculars] He's right, you know.
Squidina: [nervous] Okay. I guess the show must go on.
[Patrick runs up to the door and smacks it with his head. Tom peeks through the door.]
Tom: You again? Enough of your stupid questions already. [dismissing them] Now go away! [shuts door]
Squidina: Weird. [scratches head] I don't remember interviewing him before. Huh. He sure wasn't being very neighborly.
Patrick: Time to turn on the [slicks head back] Star family charm.
[Patrick kicks the door down and jumps in.]
Patrick: [with eyelashes] ♪ Chaaarm! ♪ [realizes] Huh? Neighbor? [scratches self] Where'd you go?
[He looks around the house. Tom peeks out from behind a couch.]
Patrick: There you are, neighbor! [sticks a microphone in his eye] What's your name? What's your deepest, darkest secret? Do you like spaghetti? [head appears on another side] Do you have any...
Tom: [removes microphone] Jeez! I thought I told you to leave me alone! [disappears behind couch]
Patrick: ...ice cream?
Squidina: [pops up in front of screen] Look! More neighbors!
[A group of fish are standing. Patrick runs up to one with his microphone.]
Patrick: Oh! How many toenails do you have? [sticks mic in another's face] Do you like prog rock? [sticks mic in a female fish's face] Do you have any-- [they disappear into a hole, Patrick looks inside] where do they keep running off to?
Squidina: [off-screen] There's another!
[Patrick runs up to a woman in a dress.]
Patrick: Oh, do you have any very close veins? [sticks out mic, she disappears into the floor] You're not getting away [pulls her arms, strains] this time! [gets pulled in]
[Patrick's lower body sticks out of the hole.]
Squidina: Patrick! [tries to pull him out]
[They both get sucked into a hole. Patrick keeps trying to interview the neighbor.]
Patrick: So what do you do for a living? What's the meaning of life? How do you spell arugula?
[They get pulled into an alien hideout.]
Squidina: Whoa!
[A giant alien has the neighbors as a puppet on his hand. He adjusts it and roars at them, getting saliva in their faces.]
Squidina: A big, gross space alien!
Patrick: Huh?
[The aliens' tentacles are sticking through every house in the neighborhood. Granny Tentacles is drinking tea when she gets pulled down.]
Granny Tentacles: [yells]
[Her teacup lands flatly on the chair and sparkles after catching the tea. She appears as a puppet on the alien's tentacle.]
Patrick: Granny Tentacles?
[Slappy is still in the bushes and looking through the binoculars, giggling. He gets pulled in.]
Slappy: Oh!
Patrick: Slappy? [sees Snail Lady puppet] Snail Lady? [sees skeletal mailman puppet] Half-eaten mailman?
Alien: [roars]
Patrick and Squidina: All our neighbors are alien puppets!? [bell dings]
Patrick: [excited, grabs head] That means I get to interview an alien! [laughs]
[Patrick leaps into the alien's face.]
Alien: Huh?
Patrick: [rubs face on him] Where are you from, space neighbor? How long have you been here? What's your favorite sock? And most importantly, do you have any [camera zooms in] ice cream?
Alien: Ugh! I can't [throws Patrick off with the Tom puppet] take it anymore! [points to Patrick on the ground] This guy is so annoying, with his [grabs head] neighborhood songs and his [stretches face] mind-numbing questions. [mockingly, with anchovy puppet] "Doh, uh, how are you doing?" [mockingly, with skeleton mailman puppet] "Ooh, what's your favorite color?" [mockingly, with lady in dress puppet] "Where's my ice cream?" [runs away] Ah, yeesh!
Squidina: This guy is really not neighborly.
Alien: [runs into escape pod] I am outta here! [buckles up and presses buttons with mailman puppet] I left my planet to get away from neighbors, not meet newer, dumber ones! [pod closes]
[Patrick and Squidina tremble. The entire neighborhood flies away, propelled by rocket boosters.]
Bunny: [mixing a bowl, looking out window] Oh, my. Well, there goes the neighborhood. [rimshot]
GrandPat: [sunbathing] Ah, who needs 'em?
Patrick: Well, everyone, I think we learned a very important lesson: [holds up finger] never trust your neighbors, 'cause they'll just turn out to be a bunch of tentacles connected to some big, weird alien monster.
GrandPat: I've been saying that for years.
Bunny: [bell dings] Who wants [holds out ice cream cones] ice cream?
[An ice cream cone transitions to Patrick at the dining room table, wearing a bib and holding an empty cone. Bunny holds up a scoop and Patrick giggles.]
Patrick: Finally! [hugs cone] At long last!
[Patrick sticks his tongue towards the ice cream when it unzips, showing Cecil inside.]
Cecil: Hey, son! Can you believe it? This is my other, other new job!
Patrick: [pauses, swallows Cecil whole and rubs his mouth with his napkin]
[Iris out on the middle of the screen.]