There Will Be Grease/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "There Will Be Grease" from season 13, which aired on April 29, 2022.

[The episode begins with Mr. Krabs walking to the Krusty Krab, whistling. He enters and sees SpongeBob cleaning up.]
Mr. Krabs: Nice work, boy-o. She looks cleaner than a freshly scraped hull.
SpongeBob: Oh, hello, Mr. Krabs, I... [drops the mop and screams] Your feet! [points to his feet]
Mr. Krabs: Hmm? [looks at his feet and gets sprayed out by a hose]
SpongeBob: [holding a fire hose and wearing a fireman hat] Phew! That was close! You almost tracked goo all over your nice clean restaurant!
Mr. Krabs: Yeah. Good thing. Heh. [falls over]
SpongeBob: [notices a grease trail] Hmm... [follows the trail] Oh, looks like this puddle here is the culprit! Don't worry, Mr. K! I'll have her cleaned up in no time! Hmm... ah-ha! [grabs a gallon of soap and pours it on his head, pulls his tie and his head starts spinning like a motor. He jumps and cleans the grease with his head]
Plankton: [pouring a chemical into a beaker] Okay, you just pour this in here and... [a bubble lands on the chemical and explodes] [to Karen] "It's a beautiful day," you said. "Why not do some evil science outside?", you said. SpongeBob! What in Neptune's navel are you doing?
SpongeBob: [comes on-screen and head stops spinning, exposing his brain] Oh. Sorry, Plankton. I was just cleaning up this goo puddle for Mr. Krabs.
Plankton: [looks at grease puddle] That doesn't look like goo. It looks like oil! Holy moly, Karen! We're sittin' on a mountain of moolah!
Mr. Krabs: [dives on-screen] That oil's mine, you hear? [grabs SpongeBob] My employee found it, and besides, [throws SpongeBob away and drags the grease on his side] it's on me property.
Plankton: Not so fast, Krabs! [drags it on his side] That's my oil! And it's on my property! [Mr. Krabs grabs the grease, but Plankton pulls it back. They pull it and get launched back. They briefly death-stare at each other while growling, then they start fighting.]
Karen: [analyzes the grease] Mmm! Actually, you're both wrong. It's not oil at all.
Mr. Krabs and Plankton: [they stop fighting, Krabs being bashed over the head by Plankton's club] It's not?
Karen: According to my analysis, it's a combination of [Krabby Patty appears on her screen] Krabby Patty grease and [chum appears on her screen] chum runoff, [shows a visual of goo accumulating under the two restaurants] which your two restaurants has been leaking in the ground for decades.
Plankton: So it's just worthless old grease?
Karen: I wouldn't call it worthless. [her screen shows a line graph rising] It has a high viscosity index [her screen shows a mouth licking its lips] and impressive flavor imparting characteristics.
Mr. Krabs: So... it's worth-full?
Karen: Yes. However, the deposit appears to be evenly split between your restaurants. [zooms out to show it between the restaurant]
Mr. Krabs: Well, Plankton, looks like if we want to make a lot of money..
Plankton: ...we'll have to do it as...
Mr. Krabs and Plankton: [they realize something] ...partners. [the word "PARTNERS" falls on them, squashing Mr. Krabs.]
French Narrator: [narrating time card] Several long days later...
[Krabs is sitting in a lawn chair next to the grease puddle, as Plankton paces back and forth.]
Plankton: Come on, Krabs, there's gotta be some use of this stuff we can agree on! [has an idea] Let's sell it to the military! Imagine... [imagines a flame thrower] fuel for flame throwers, [images a robot being oiled by a helicopter] lubricant for killer robots, [imagines a group of soldiers that smell a bomb, are distracted, and explode] bombs that smell like french fries! [chuckles]
Mr. Krabs: We'll use it to boost business at the Krusty Krab: [imagines grease being poured from a pump onto an open Krabby Patty] A flavorful new sandwich topping, [imagines a grease milkshake as a cow moos] a savory new milkshake, [three customers smell a grease-scented toilet] and a lovely new scent for the restrooms!
Plankton: [blows the thought bubble away with a flamethrower] Oh no! We're not using my grease to drive customers to your restaurant! [Mr. Krabs starts growling at him] Why I oughta!
Mr. Krabs: Why, you! [they start fighting]
SpongeBob: [uses a saucer to pour grease into a bucket] Oh, gosh! I don't see why you need to find just one use for this stuff. I started using it for everything!
[Mr. Krabs and Plankton stop fighting, with Krabs about to hit Plankton with a wrench and Plankton wielding a club.]
Mr. Krabs: Huh?
Plankton: Wha?
SpongeBob: [he is shown brushing his teeth with grease] Toothpaste, [wipes himself with a towel in the shower] body wash, [puts grease deodorant under his armpit] deodorant, [polishes his shoes with grease] shoe polish, [puts the grease on his face] all night face mask, [Gary licks the grease out of a bowl] Gary's breakfast, [SpongeBob licks the grease from a bowl labeled "My Own"] my own breakfast! [puts grease on a bump on his leg, making the swelling go down] It even cured my bursitis! What I mean is, if you can use it for anything, why not sell it for everything? [Mr. Krabs and Plankton's eyes turn into money signs]
[They have set up a stand selling it as SpongeBob pumps it from the ground.]
Mr. Krabs: [reading along with his finger] Dr. Krabton's Miracle Everything Juice. Not bad.
Plankton: But we better get some customers here, Eugene. I was up all night painting that sign.
Mr. Krabs: Have a little faith, Plankton. [gasps] Behold! The lunch rush! [A fish is driving and sees the stand. He and his phone start screaming and he stops his boat.]
Fish: Wow! [other fish crash into him and a bus crashes as well, creating a dust cloud. The dust cloud clears, revealing that tons of cars crashed.]
Mr. Krabs: Wee-hee! Time to get to work! [grabs bottle, he and Plankton go to the crash site]
[Three triplet babies are crying. A mother fish rips her hair out from stress.]
Plankton: Pardon me, ma'am, but how about some Dr. Krabton's Miracle Everything Juice to quiet the little angels?
[He puts the bottles in the babies' mouths, calming them down. Mr. Krabs pours grease on the woman's head and sticks her hair back on, and she smiles. Mr. Krabs runs up to a fish in a boat with a dented front.]
Fish #2: [groans]
Mr. Krabs: Why, Dr. Krabton can fix up your boat for you! [smashes it against the boat to straighten it out] See? There you go. Good as new.
Fish #2: Say, it really woiks! Three cheers for Everything Juice!
Fish in accident: Huraaay! [jump out and run to the stand with money]
Woman fish: We'll take one!
[They all buy their Everything Juice and run away, leaving a giant pile of money on the stand. Krabs' and Plankton's heads come out.]
Plankton: Look at all this cash, Krabs! We're rich!
Mr. Krabs: Not rich enough. We got to take our show on the road!
[A bottle of Everything Juice transitions to them driving a boat up to Mrs. Puff's Boating School.]
Mr. Krabs: All right, Plankton. Let a real salesman show you how it's done. [rings doorbell]
Mrs. Puff: [opens door] Eugene? What a surprise. Uh, we don't have a lunch date today, do we?
Mr. Krabs: Not with me. Your date today is with [motions with arms] value! Suppose I told you there was one product that could fuel all your boats... [turns SpongeBob into a condiment dispenser and launches grease on the boat engines, which spin rapidly] Reinvigorate old lighthouse paint jobs... [SpongeBob grabs a paint roller with grease and cleans the lighthouse, making it sparkle]
SpongeBob: Ooh!
Mr. Krabs: And even cover up those... [clears throat] maturation lines around your eyes.
[SpongeBob takes out a trowel with grease on it and puts it on his face, wiping it clean.]
Mrs. Puff: How dare you? [slaps him, then takes out money] Give me ten bottles.
[An Everything Juice bottle transitions to SpongeBob, Krabs, and Plankton walking up to Sandy's treedome.]
Plankton: You did pretty good back there, Krabs. But now it's time to watch a master!
Mr. Krabs: Ooh, gladly. [Plankton rings the doorbell] Let me know when he gets here. [laughs]
Sandy: [opens door] Howdy.
Plankton: Greetings, Sandra. I am here to tell you about our latest invention. It'll fertilize your lawn. [throws grease to SpongeBob, who pours it on his head and grass grows] Polish your dome glass... [SpongeBob polishes the glass with a cleaning cloth and the grease. A clam flies into the glass and gets dizzy.] And give even your oldest nuts that fresh-picked shine! [snickers. SpongeBob pours grease on a live-action acorn to make it bigger, and it crushes Plankton.] It's Dr. Krabton's Miracle Everything Juice! [SpongeBob, Krabs, and Plankton motion to it, and confetti fanfare blasts]
Sandy: [unimpressed] I ain't some hayseed, Plankton. I'm a scientist. I don't believe in miracles.
Plankton: [he, Krabs, and SpongeBob are frowning] Well, but it can also keep oxygen machines running in top shape! [they smile again]
Sandy: Huh...
[Pan to an unstable machine inside Sandy's dome, smoking and sputtering.]
Sandy: [nervously] Well, I do like breathin'. [takes out money] I'll take a whole case!
[An Everything Juice bottle transitions to Krabs, Plankton, SpongeBob, and their truck outside at dusk.]
Mr. Krabs: This door-to-door stuff's taking too long. [smacks fist] We got to go big!
Plankton: How big?
Mr. Krabs: Musical big!
[He elbows the truck and its headlights turn on. It collapses into a platform with an organ and an Everything Juice banner coming out of it. Krabs and Plankton spin around and are in tuxedos. They dance as the organ starts playing, and a crowd appears around them. Krabs goes up to a trucker and starts dancing.]
Mr. Krabs: [singing] ♪ Hey, there, mister, would you like to know about a very a special something that makes all your problems go away? ♪
Trucker: What is it?
Mr. Krabs: ♪ It's Everything Juice. ♪
Trucker: What?
[Krabs goes up to an old lady and starts singing.]
Mr. Krabs: [singing] ♪ Hey, there, [takes her teeth out and pours Everything Juice on them] madam, can I help you out? With those false teeth of yours, it must be [puts her teeth back in] very hard to shout hooray! ♪
Old lady: [muffled scream]
Mr. Krabs: [singing] ♪ For Everything Juice! ♪ [displays it in his palm]
Slappy: [singing] ♪ Can it make my voice sound much more creepy? ♪
Mr. Krabs: Probably!
Little girl: [wearing a gas mask, with a smelly worm on a leash, singing] ♪ Will it fix the smell of my pet Kiki? ♪
Mr. Krabs: [jumps in with a bottle] Buy it and see!
Plankton: Indeed! [goes to a group of kids playing marbles, singing] ♪ Hey, there, son, [pours Everything Juice on the marbles] looks like you might need to find some slickening solution [jumps on a marble and rides it around, creating an explosion] so your marbles can get up to speed today! ♪ [poses as the kids have marbles stuck in their bodies] ♪ Try Everything Juice! ♪ [jumps to a man with visible nose hair, singing] ♪ Pardon me, [pours grease on his hair] but I see you chose not to trim that rather lengthy hair protruding from your nose, [pulls the nose hair and turns it into a mustache] but that's okay! With Everything Juice! ♪ [gives an OK hand sign as the man smiles]
Lady: How much does it cost?
Mr. Krabs: Quite a lot!
Lady Upturn: [takes money out of a coin purse] I don't care. Give me everything you've got!
[Krabs collects money from a cheering crowd and gives him a bottle of Everything Juice with his eyestalks.]
Krabs and Plankton: [singing] ♪ Yes, my friends, this is the greatest stuff! ♪
[Krabs takes a fish's dollar, then his wallet, and gives him a bottle.]
Krabs and Plankton: [singing] ♪ It's a wonder, it's a miracle, you just can't have enough! ♪
[Plankton plays the piano.]
Krabs and Plankton: [singing] ♪ So we say hey, get some today! [bottles are thrown at the crowd] There's no excuse! Everyone needs [Krabs and Plankton sing on-stage] Everything Juice! ♪
Audience: [laughing, cheering, throwing money]
[The money falls down the screen and transitions to an office building labeled Dr. Krabton's. Jellyfish swim by, holding bottles. Inside, Krabs counts his money, and Plankton sits on a chair made of money.]
Mr. Krabs: [counting money] A million one, a million two, a million three...
Plankton: Eugene, is this what friendship feels like?
Mr. Krabs: Perhaps it is, Sheldon. Perhaps it is. [pauses, they look at each other]
Krabs and Plankton: Money fight! [they throw money at each other, elevator dings]
Plankton: Huh?
[A horde of angry customers come in through the elevator, yelling.]
Mr. Krabs: Hey! What are you all doing in here?
Sandy: [pushes her way to the front of the crowd, her helmet tinted yellow] We are unsatisfied customers! Just look at what your grease did to my air! [takes off her helmet and the greased air falls out, splattering on the ground]
Crowd: Ewww!
Mrs. Puff: [with pink eye] Your grease gave me [points to her swollen eye] pink eye!
Mr. Krabs: [rubbing shoulder] Well, at least your... [clears throat] maturation lines are gone.
Mrs. Puff: [slaps him, then hands him money] I'll take two more bottles.
[Krabs is about to give her some when Sandy slaps her and pulls her out of the way.]
Sandy: No more! You two have ruined the whole town!
Crowd: We want our [raises weapons] money back!
[Mr. Krabs and Plankton are cornered. Plankton nervously throws away a stack of money. The crowd begin smashing the building and setting fire to the money.]
Mr. Krabs: [sighs] I knew you would mess this up. You always mess things up.
Plankton: Me? I'm not the one who came up with that lousy song!
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob pumping grease outside the Krusty Krab and Chum Bucket.]
SpongeBob: [grunting, pump wheezes] Must be running low on grease.
Mr. Krabs: [walks in with Plankton] Oh, well, it wasn't me who sold it as fire extinguisher recharging fluid.
Plankton: All right, all right. But I'm not the one who sold it as acne treatment to high schoolers.
Mr. Krabs: [walks away, arm raised] Oh, but you did market it as drinkable vitamins!
Plankton: [standing in Chum Bucket doorway] That's it! This friendship is over! We are mortal enemies once more!
Mr. Krabs: Fine by [points to self] me! [points to Plankton] I don't want to see you ever again, ever!
[They slam the doors of the restaurants closed. An empty cavern appears under the restaurants. It caves in, and SpongeBob falls.]
SpongeBob: Whoa, whoa! Yaaah!
[The Krusty Krab and Chum Bucket fall into the hole. Mr. Krabs and Plankton are buried under the rubble.]
Mr. Krabs: This is all your fault!
Plankton: You trapped us in here!
Mr. Krabs: Oh, I wish I'd never met you!
Plankton: That goes double for me!
SpongeBob: [pops out of the rubble] Oh, boy! The three best friends buried alive together, forever! And it's all thanks to... [singing] ♪ Everything Juice! ♪ [The episode irises out on him.]