Twas the Night Before Spongemas/transcript

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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Twas the Night Before Spongemas" from season 13, which aired on December 22, 2022.

French Narrator: "Ah. I love Spongemas eve. Twas the Night Before Spongemas."
French Narrator: "The sea twinkled with bright lights and Bikini Bottom chanted: "Santa's coming tonight, tonight."
[Cut to a scene from Christmas Who?, Squidward is trying to sleep, but the singing outside wakes him up]
Citizens: ♪ Oh, Santa's coming tonight, tonight / Santa's coming tonight / Santa's coming tonight, tonight / Santa's coming tonight ♪
SpongeBob: C'mon everybody! Let's sing till Santa gets here.
[Cut to a scene from SpongeBob's Road to Christmas]
SpongeBob: [picks up Gary and spins him, singing to the tune of "Jingle Bells"] ♪ Santa Claus, Santa Claus, Santa's on his way! ♪ [walking upstairs] ♪ I'm giving him a present that he'll take back on his sleigh! ♪ [open shot of his house] Yay!
French Narrator: "On the top of everyone's mind, memories of Christmas is before. Some wished to remember less, but others wished for more."
[SpongeBob and Patrick jump onto Santa's legs. They both start giggling at him, then look at each other.]
Santa: [waking up] What would you like for Christmas?
SpongeBob and Patrick: [both speaking at once]
Santa: Pipe down, children. [first person view of him focusing his eyes on Patrick and SpongeBob] What the-- [gasps] SpongeBob SquarePants?
SpongeBob: [waving] Hi, Santa.
Santa: Did you know that I'm your biggest fan?
SpongeBob: Oh, that's very sweet of you Santa, but actually Patchy the Pirate is my biggest fan.
Santa: Ho, ho, ho!
[Santa takes his head off to reveal he is actually Patchy the Pirate.]
Patchy: Ahoy, SpongeBob and Patrick! It's me, Patchy the Pirate.
[SpongeBob and Patrick gasp before their heads disintegrate into confetti.]
French Narrator: "Time to pick a tree and trim it with care, for Santa is coming soon and the coral is to share."
[Transition to the musical number, "The Very First Christmas"]
SpongeBob and Patrick: [chopping down the coral tree] ♪ It's shaping up to be a wonderful holiday / Not your normal, average, everyday ♪
Squidward: ♪ Sounds like someone felled my old coral tree / SpongeBob, Patrick, why'd you do this to me? ♪
SpongeBob and Patrick: [holding hands and dancing in circles] ♪ The world feels like it's in loverly ♪
Squidward: ♪ Go away before I harm you bodily! ♪ [dumps garbage on SpongeBob and Patrick]
SpongeBob and Patrick: ♪ This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me. [SpongeBob handles a cart full of Christmas presents, while Patrick uses red and green sleigh bells as his eyes before being covered in snow.] There'll be shopping, decorating, and plenty of snow. ♪
SpongeBob: ♪ Hey, Patrick, who's that under the mistletoe? ♪
Squidward: ♪ What? Who, me? Would you look at the time, I should go! ♪
Plankton: ♪ People seem a little more brotherly ♪
Mr. Krabs: [showing a fruitcake] ♪ Here's a special something to you from me ♪
SpongeBob and Patrick: [as Plankton throws the fruitcake into the trash full of other fruitcakes] ♪ Even all the trash, on Christmas it smells so sweetly. [Gary meows. Patrick covers one of the jellyfish with the container and shakes it to resemble a holiday light.] This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me. ♪
[SpongeBob is seen dancing with different Christmas backgrounds, and later outside Squidward's house after opening Squidward's front door while Squidward tries to play puzzles.]
SpongeBob: ♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! ♪
Squidward: ♪ What do you want? Can't you see that I'm busy? ♪
SpongeBob and Patrick: [They play and toss the large candy canes, with Patrick swallowing.] ♪ Step outside, we've got something for you to see ♪
[Squidward walks outside to see everything decorated on his house]
Squidward: ♪ SpongeBob, take this stuff down immediately! ♪
SpongeBob and Patrick: [two fish at a campfire] ♪ Chestnuts roasting and burns in the third degree ♪
Citizens: ♪ Tonight things are as good as they seem to be! ♪
Patrick: [hurls from the teeter-totter to atop the coral tree] ♪ A star on top will complete all the scenery! ♪
Citizens: ♪ This Christmas feels like [Mr. Krabs sings] the very first Christmas to me! [scene cuts to an unhappy Squidward looking outside from his window] This Christmas feels like [Mr. Krabs sings again] the very first Christmas to me! ♪
French Narrator: "Patrick didn't think much about his first Christmas Day. But you could say he doesn't think much any day about anything in any way."
[Patrick is sleeping and dreaming of himself standing by his house with a dopey smile on his face. Zooms out to reveal a single ornament hanging from the antenna on top of his rock. It snaps off and hits the ground. Patrick then falls to the ground as well. ]
French Narrator: "His favorite Christmas memory? He truly can't remember. But he loves the taste of treats and snowballs in December."
[Cut to a scene from "Snowball Effect". SpongeBob and Patrick are in the middle of a snowball fight.]
SpongeBob: Patrick, you fool! This was over before it started! I will now consider your unconditional surren-... [a snowball hits him in the face, sending him into the snow. He then drowns in it] ...-der. [Patrick laughs hysterically] So that's how he wants it to go down. [takes off his Santa hat, revealing a funnel under it. Scoops up snow in the funnel and puts it on his head. He jumps up on his fort, takes a deep breath, and starts shooting snowballs at Patrick very fast, like a machine gun]
Patrick: Huh? [as snowballs pile on him. He then stands up, revealing a bunch of snowballs lined up on his forehead] Ha! You missed me! [However, he speaks too soon, as SpongeBob shoots more snow into Patrick's mouth. Slow motion occurs then resumes to normal speed. Patrick swallows the snowballs and blows out cold breath. A gun cocks and SpongeBob fires more snowballs and this time the snowballs get stuck in his mouth]
SpongeBob: Score one for the boys back home! [Patrick walks up to Squidward's house and knocks on his door]
Squidward: [opens door to reveal Patrick] Yes? Oh, Patrick. [Patrick is still choking and tries to mime his situation] What an unpleasant surprise. Oh, boy, nothing like a game of charades. [Patrick swallows the snowballs]
Patrick: [in one breath] I was trying to tell you that I was choking on snow, but the snow melted and turned into water, and I drank all the water, now I'm better.
Squidward: Fascinating. [slams the door]