Two Pests in a Teapot/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Two Pests in a Teapot/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[The episode opens with an open shot of Granny Tentacles' house. Cut inside to Granny Tentacles walking.]
Granny Tentacles: Another horrid day. Just like every other one before it. [stops as she spots the calendar on the wall] "Spa Day"? Well, between my failure of a grandson and my nightmare neighbors, Neptune knows I need one! [spins to change her outfit, then opens the door where Patrick is standing]
Patrick: [waving] Well, hello, Miss Neighbor Tentacles, how are you? [Granny Tentacles zaps him with a jellyfish, making him fall over]
Granny Tentacles: Jelly taser. Never leave home without it.
Patrick: [stars circling around his head, groaning]
Granny Tentacles: What do you think you're doing?
Patrick: [shakes head, points] Watching your house. I'm keeping our block safe [salutes] and secure.
[The camera pans over to the town nearby in utter chaos. A cop is chasing a burglar, tentacles are coming out of a house, and several buildings are on fire.]
Granny Tentacles: Ugh, this place gets worse every day. [shoves a five dollar bill in Patrick's face] Okay, sure, here's five bucks for your trouble. [walks away] Keep the place safe, and stop lurkin' around outside my house!
Patrick: [swallows the dollar bill] If Granny Tentacles said to stop lurking around outside the house, then I better lurk inside the house! [pulls on the door rapidly, which does not open] Ah, well, how the heck am I gonna get in? Just gotta think. [looks at the front window to see his reflection] Hey, wait a minute! I don't gotta think! 'Cause it looks like I'm already inside! [fade from his reflection to him inside the house, pulls up his pants] Now let's neighborhood watch some stuff. [points around the room] Boring old lady junk. [points to a telephone] More boring old lady junk. [looks at a doorknob as his eye expands to touch it] Doorknob. [points to a framed portrait of Squidward] Clown painting.
[The Squidward portrait frowns. Patrick enters the bedroom.]
Patrick: And two pillows! Two pretty lumpy pillows. Hm, a good neighbor would fluff out these lumps. [punches the bed's pillows, then hits it with a mallet] No, still too lumpy. [repeatedly hits the pillows with the mallet, turning them completely flat, holds a ruler] There! Perfectly flat, zero lumps! [the bedroom is now a mess]
[Clockwise transition to Patrick outside the bedroom.]
Patrick: [spots a hump in a carpet under an end table] Oh! [pulls back the carpet, knocking over the end table and breaking the lamp; looks at a pet worm photo frame, which is misaligned] Wrong. [aligns the painting, then crumples it up like paper and tosses it into a waste bin; enters the bathroom] Anything in here for a good neighbor to watch? Oh, my gosh! [zoom into a pink toilet with two toilet paper rolls on top] Oh, you poor, sweet, innocent animal! How long have you been locked up in here? Well, don't you worry. Papa Patrick knows exactly what you need to feel all better. [tosses the toilet out the window] Freedom! [points ahead] Now go! [the toilet is seen shattered on the ground] Run wild! [leaves the bathroom, leaving behind an exposed water pipe] Wow, I can't believe Granny Tentacles would keep an innocent creature locked up like that. [looks behind him to see a cage covered by a blanket] Another one?! "Sweet old lady" my foot. [looks inside to talk to the creature inside the cage] Hey, there, little guy. It's okay. [pushes his face against the cage as his voice warps] I'm not scary.
Creature: [whines and slithers away]
Patrick: [uses an ax to slice off the front of the cage; inserts his head into the cage as the creature screams] Come on, little fella, I won't bite. [gets bitten] Ow! [the creature leeches onto his neck; laughs] You're kissing me. I'm gonna call you "Kissy." [walking] Come on, Kissy, let's go neighborhood watch some TV. [gets on the sofa and turns on the TV]
[On the TV screen, Squidina is standing idly onstage.]
Patrick: [as his blood is being sucked by Kissy] Oh, look, Kissy! [wheezing] The Patrick Show is on.
Squidina: [calling out] Patrick! Where are you?
Patrick: [as Kissy lets go of him] I'm right here! [chuckles]
Squidina: But we've got a show to do!
Patrick: [sitting on his stomach in front of the TV] Uh, I can't. I got other responser-tilities.
Squidina: What?
Patrick: Hold on. [shakes the TV to release Squidina from it] Yah! [throws the TV, creating an explosion] I can't do the show today because I'm watching this! [points to a hole in his neck that exposes his bone] Meet Kissy.
Squidina: Uh, what am I looking at here, Patrick?
Patrick: [laughs] It's Kissy! [notices Kissy is gone] Ahh! Kissy! Where are you?! [looks around, runs off] Where is Granny Tentacles' pet worm, Kissy?!
Squidina: Oh! Kissy is the name of the worm!
Patrick: Kissy... [punches a hole in the wall] ...could be stuck... [punches another hole] ...in the walls! [punches another hole, then rips off a large chunk of wall] Maybe Kissy is hiding with all this cotton candy! [digs through the "cotton candy"] Kissy, I'm coming!
Squidina: [points] Patrick, that's not...
Patrick: [holding an exposed wire] Kissy! Thank goodness I found you. Now give us a kiss. [puckers his lips to kiss the wire; gets majorly electrocuted off-screen and screams; his head is now gone] That wasn't Kissy. [pulls his head back up and holds it] Squidina, what are we gonna do about Kissy?
Squidina: Hmm... Ooh, ha! I've got an idea. We'll lure Kissy back with his favorite food!
Patrick: Which is...?
Squidina: No idea. So, we'll make everything!
[Star transition to Patrick and Squidina with aprons and chef hats in the kitchen.]
Squidina: It's time for a...
Patrick and Squidina: ...cooking montage!
[Patrick and Squidina run off in opposite directions. Patrick rips off the fridge door and tosses several foods into a large pile. Squidina grabs some eggs and a milk carton and sets them on a table. She cracks an egg to put the yolk into the bowl. Patrick carries a stack of plates and bowls, which he drops and breaks. Squidina uses a mixer to mix the egg yolks in the bowl, and Patrick opens a cupboard only to be bombarded with cans dropping onto him. Squidina puts two pans in the oven, and Patrick opens a cabinet only to be hit with several pots and pans. Squidina puts pepperoni on a pizza, and Patrick opens a drawer, which releases more pots and pans that move upwards, then drop onto him. Squidina puts frosting on a pink cake, and Patrick slips on a bar of soap, dropping and shattering the plates and bowls he was carrying. Squidina puts a cherry on top of a sundae, and a fridge falls onto Patrick. Finally, Squidina puts an olive with a toothpick on top of a very tall sandwich. Star transition to the mountains of finished food.]
Squidina: Well, Patrick, even if you were no help whatsoever, we've prepared every food imaginable! [several pots and pans fall onto Patrick again] Now to call Kissy. Oh, Kissy? [plays a triangle] It's dinner time!
Kissy: [emerges from behind the sofa and sniffs, then hides]
Squidina: I know you're hungry! Come and get it! [enters the kitchen]
Kissy: [approaches the kitchen and sniffs]
Squidina: [coaxing] Come on, buddy. Come on!
Kissy: Hmm?
Squidina: We're not gonna hurt you. We made your favorite food. Right, Patrick? [flinches]
Patrick: [burps, shaking the screen]
Kissy: [screams and runs away]
Squidina: [all of the food is now eaten] What happened to all the food?
Patrick: [shrugs]
Squidina: [groans] Okay. Time for plan B. If we want to catch an animal, we gotta think like an animal.
Patrick: [pants like a dog, gets on all fours, and barks]
Squidina: If you were Kissy, where would you be right now?
Patrick: Eating Granny Tentacles' slippers! [runs past Squidina, grabbing onto a pair of her slippers as the doorbell rings repeatedly; drops the slippers and barks]
Squidina: [approaches the door] Hang on. Hang on. [opens the door to reveal Squidward with a pair of hedge clippers]
Squidward: I'm here to clip Granny's toenails.
Patrick: [barks and tackles Squidward]
Squidward: Whoa! [Patrick licks his face] Oh, gross! [shoves Patrick off] Down, boy! I've got a bone for you. Want the bone?
Patrick: [barks]
Squidward: Go get it! [tosses the hedge clippers, which Patrick chases after; laughs] What a bonehead. [gets covered in sand, yelps]
Patrick: [digs a hole in the ground, then buries the hedge clippers in it]
Squidina: Patrick, sit! [Patrick sits] Stay. And... stop acting like a dog.
Patrick: [shakes head rapidly to go back to normal]
Squidina: [sighs] Let's face it, fake animal instincts aren't gonna lead us to Kissy. We're gonna need real animals to root him out.
[Wipe transition to Squidina gesturing to a truck labeled "Real Animals" to back up to them. She gestures the truck to stop.]
Squidina: Okay, animals, listen up! [menacing eyes appear in the back windows] We're gonna let you in the house, and you are gonna track down [holds up a picture of Kissy] this little rascal.
Animals: [growling]
Squidina: Okay, Patrick. Let's let 'em loose! [she and Patrick each pull a back door open the let the animals loose, which promptly run into Granny Tentacles' house]
Patrick: Gosh, I hope they don't trash Granny Tentacles' house.
Squidina: Nah. They're probably just gonna sniff around for a bit.
[Inside, a jellyfish knocks over a spoon collection and a grandfather clock. A sea bear uses its claws to tear the sofa into pieces. A sea urchin tosses a plant onto the floor to shatter it. A worm throws a portrait of Granny Tentacles into the fireplace. A clam uses a baseball bat to shatter a display of dolphin and whale figures. Once the animals are done destroying the place, they exit and approach a pile of buried sand.]
Sea bear: [sniffs, roars, then digs up Squidward]
Squidward: [wipes himself off] Now if you'll excuse me, I have toenails to clip. [turns around and walks away with Kissy sucking on his head]
Patrick and Squidina: Kissy!
Patrick: [pulls on Kissy, swinging Squidward back and forth, eventually pulling Kissy off] We found you, Kissy!
Squidina: And thankfully, nobody got hurt.
Squidward: [on the ground, injured, groaning]
[Wipe transition to Patrick putting Kissy back in the cage.]
Patrick: There. I think Granny Tentacles is gonna be very happy.
Squidina: Totally.
[Patrick and Squidina grab each other's shoulders and walk ahead.]
Patrick: [spots black smoke coming from the kitchen] Hey. What's all that black smoke coming from the kitchen?
Squidina: Oh, no! I forgot to take my casserole out of the oven! [runs into the kitchen]
Patrick: [water droplets fall from the ceiling] Huh? It's raining in the house? Oh, no! The room where I liberated that toilet! [runs off to block the bathroom door, which is about to burst]
Granny Tentacles: [walking on the road while looking at herself in a handheld mirror, now with a more womanly face] I really should do spa days more often. [tosses mirror away] I feel a century younger.
[Meanwhile, Squidina opens the oven, takes out the burnt casserole, and blows on its fire.]
Patrick: I never should have listened to that manipulative toilet! [pushes on the door, which falls down onto Patrick as the water bursts from it and turns the house underwater]
[As Squidina is still blowing on the casserole, the water extinguishes the fire. The house is now steaming like a teapot.]
Granny Tentacles: What the--? [her features revert back to normal]
[Granny Tentacles' house explodes, and Patrick and Squidina emerge from the crater.]
Granny Tentacles: My house! What happened to my house?!
Patrick: I know things look pretty bad, but don't worry. We saved your most important possession. Your beloved pet, Kissy. [holds up the cage with Kissy inside]
Granny Tentacles: That's not my pet, you half-wit! That's a vermin I trapped! [Kissy latches onto her face]
Patrick: Oh. I probably shouldn't have opened the cage then, huh?
Squidina: [shrugs as the camera irises out]