Tying the Klop-Knot/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Tying the Klop-Knot/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[The episode begins with an old-timey countdown: 3, 2, and then a sausage. It switches to grayscale footage of Klopnod, starting with a sign reading "The Wedding of Bunny & Cecil."]
Squidina: [voiceover] "The Wedding of Bunny and Cecil"!
[Klopnodians dance and clap as Bunny and Cecil dance. They spin, with Bunny digging into the ground and Cecil flying into the air. The wedding guests cheer. Cecil, Bunny, Squidina, and Patrick are watching the video on TV.]
Cecil and Bunny: Awww, happy anniversary, hun! [they kiss]
Squidina: [clasping hands] Is it just like you remembered?
Cecil: Squidina, when you get to our age, you don't remember a darn thing. [to Bunny] Isn't that right, sea star with glasses?
Bunny: Mm-hmm!
Squidina: [pointing] Ooh! What's this dance?
Cecil: Oh, this is the gahooga-hooga!
[Bunny is being lifted in a chair by the wedding guests. She carries Cecil on a chair, who carries other guests.]
Cecil: One small part of the incredibly elaborate Klopnodian wedding ceremony!
[The TV goes to static.]
Bunny: Ooh, here comes the most important part! The final step to consummating any Klopnodian marriage!
[The scene shows a priest at a podium. Bunny and Cecil stand at opposite ends of a wedding cake.]
Bunny: The kissing of the stoinkping cake!
[The cake is reflected in Patrick's eyes. He licks his eyes, but gets disappointed, and pokes them with his tongue.]
Priest: [voiceover] You may now kiss the stoinkping cake.
Patrick: Hmmm... [smiles and rubs hands together, sneaky laughter]
Cecil: I'll never forget kissing that delicious...
[Patrick eats the cake from below right as Cecil and Bunny are about to kiss it, making them kiss him instead.]
Cecil: Patrick!?
Bunny: [surprised] I don't remember that part!
[Squidina looks beside her. Patrick's outline flashes in and out.]
Squidina: Where's Patrick!?
[A blue flash of light appears. Patrick walks in from the time closet, with two kiss marks on his cheeks and pink frosting on his mouth. He wipes his mouth with a napkin.]
Squidina: Patrick! You traveled back in time just to eat mom and dad's wedding cake?
Patrick: No. I also ate the hors d'oeuvres. [eats napkin] And one napkin.
Squidina: Does this mean mom and dad aren't married anymore?
Bunny: [shushes Squidina] Shhh! They'll hear you!
Squidina: [worried] Who?
[Loud footsteps are heard. The family all look to the door. Two buff Klopnodians break through the wall.]
Blue Klopguardian: We are the Klopguardians! [they pound their chests]
Squidina: Uh-oh.
[The blue one grabs Bunny.]
Bunny: Whoa!
Blue Klopguardian: We have come to take this unwedded Klopnodian back to her homeland.
Bunny: [sadly] Goodbye, family! It was nice knowing you!
Squidina: But that's our mom! You can't do this!
Cecil: [holds Squidina's shoulders] I'm afraid they can, Squidina. [takes out picture] And I'm afraid I'll have to return to my life [shows a picture of Cecil with long hair, eating a bag of chips in a pile of them] as a bachelor.
Patrick: Whoa! Do you still have those chips?
Bunny: [being dragged away] So long, kids! Goodbye, sea star with a mustache!
Squidina: [runs after the Klopguardians] Wait! If we can finish a traditional Klopnodian wedding, [puts hands together] can our parents stay together?
[The Klopguardians glance at each other, then laugh.]
Green Klopguardian: Klopnodian wedding can take weeks, even years to finish the rituals involved!
Squidina: [shaking fist] We'll do it by sunset! Whatever it takes!
Bunny: [gulps]
Cecil: [gulps]
Patrick: [throws a piece of wedding cake into his mouth, gulps]
[The Klopguardians let go of Bunny and fold their arms.]
Blue Klopnodian: Very well, pushy squid girl. [drops giant book] But you'll need this Klopnodian wedding law guidebook. [holding clipboard] We'll be watching you to make sure you get it right. [clicks pen]
Squidina: [looks at book, flips it open, gulps]
[The wedding law book transitions to the Stars' attic. Squidina comes in with the book from a hatch. Bunny follows her.]
Bunny: Oh, I'm so excited! [opens chest] And I have the perfect dress to wear for the wedding! [takes out a nice-looking wedding dress]
Squidina: Uh, mom?
[The Klopguardians come out of the hatch and glare at her.]
Squidina: [referring to book] It says here, a wedding dress, or "glangadang", should be [reading book] "something old, something bruised, something stuffed, and something confused"? Uh...
[The Klopguardians write on their clipboards. Squidina looks at Bunny nervously. Bunny keeps looking through her chest.]
Bunny: Now there's gotta be something else in here that works! [leans into chest and takes out an old banana peel] Bruised? But not confused. [throws it away and takes out a dripping old boot] Old, but not stuffed. [throws it away and takes out a taxidermy ferret] Oh, my! Stuffed, but in pristine condition.
Ferret: Ya ain't too bad yourself, lady!
Bunny: [blushes, throws it away] Fresh! [takes out GrandPat] GrandPat?
GrandPat: Cod flab it! Can't a geezer eat a sandwich in a dusty old trunk in peace!?
Bunny: Wait a minute! [shot of GrandPat's beard] Old, [shot of GrandPat's bruised head] bruised, [shot of GrandPat's shirt button coming loose] stuffed, [shot of GrandPat's face] confused!
GrandPat: Who am I?
Bunny: [gasps, hugs GrandPat] I found my wedding dress!
GrandPat: Hommina-wha?
[Bunny ties GrandPat around her body and uses his beard as a veil. She spins around with GrandPat as her dress.]
GrandPat: Ehh!
Bunny: Well?
Squidina: [gesturing to Bunny] Whaddaya think?
Klopguardians: [look at each other, then nod] Hmph.
Squidina: Phew! [looks in book] We've got a lot more pre-wedding rituals! Like...
[Transition to Cecil riding a unicycle and spinning plates on sticks.]
Squidina: [voiceover] The street-streak marathon!
[Cecil goes up a ramp and flips out, landing on some hot coals.]
Cecil: Whoa! [panics and catches plates with his tongue]
[The unicycle lands on him and makes him crash into the coals and explode. The Klopguardians look at each other and nod. Transition to three Klopnodian women are cheering.]
Squidina: [voiceover] The ceremonial schwertza toss!
[Bunny tosses a sink backwards.]
Bunny: Hup!
Klopnodian woman: Over here!
[The sink hits one of them over the head. She turns the faucet and her head comes out. She gives a thumbs up and laughs. The Klopguardians write on their clipboard, nod, and the women cheer.]
French Narrator: [narrating time card] Many heartfelt traditions later...
[A tent is set up in front of the house, with the Klopnodidan flag flying above it.]
Squidina: [consulting book] Dakadaka tent, check. Uncreck outfits, [pulls down Patrick's pants to show the Klopnodian flag pattern, snaps them back] check. Great job so far, Patrick!
[A bunch of lawnies, including Slappy, are in the audience seats.]
Audience: [cheering]
Squidina: [jumps into the air] Oh, barnacles! We gotta get the lawnies out of here to make room for the Klopnodian guests!
Patrick: [points to himself] Leave that to me, little sis!
[Patrick lifts up the lawn like a carpet, launching the lawnies through the tent.]
Male lawnie #1: Have a great wedding!
Male lawnie #2: Good luck with the ceremony!
Female lawnie: Congratulations!
[Patrick pats the lawn back down with his foot.]
Patrick: Now to round up some guests... [pointing to his hat] Klopnodian style.
[Patrick runs away and comes back holding a stack of chairs, which have Klopnodian guests on them. He tosses them and they land upright on the lawn.]
Klopnodian guests: Gahooga-hooga!
Squidina: Wow! Great work, Patrick!
[Patrick gets crushed by a guy in a chair falling on him. Squidina jumps into the air.]
Man in chair: Aah!
Squidina: [startled noise]
Patrick: [muffled shouting]
Squidina: [turns to Klopguardians] So, heh, how we doin' on time, heh heh?
[The blue Klopguardian holds out a cuckoo clock. A figure of a Klopnodian man comes out.]
Cuckoo clock man: Ketoong! Twenty minutes til the sundown! Ketoong!
Squidina: [worried noises, blows conch shell] Places, everybody! Let's get this wedding started!
[Everyone stands around the aisle. Cecil is in a tuxedo.]
Squidina: Up first, the ror-faglork! Also known as, the ring bearer!
Patrick: [comes up from hole, sticks out his tongue, which has the wedding ring on it] That's my cue!
[Patrick digs to the front of the tent and comes out, holding the ring. Squidina looks to the Klopguardians.]
Klopnodians: [disapproving grunt]
Squidina: [flips through book] Wait, wait... [stops on page] Oh, it's not ring bearer! It's ring bear.
Patrick: Ring what?
[A sea bear takes the ring out of his hand and sticks it in its nose, then snorts at Patrick.]
Patrick: Ohhh. [smiles nervously]
[The bear chases after Patrick and mauls him.]
Klopguardians: Hmm...
Squidina: And now, the traditional Klopnodian windpipes!
Patrick: [lifts the bear off his head, laughs]
[Patrick uses a strange instrument and bounces off whoopee cushions to play the wedding march. Bunny walks down the aisle with a sausage bouquet and GrandPat's hair as a veil over her head.]
Cecil: My almost-wife, wearing my very own dad! [a bug runs through GrandPat's hair] She's never looked more beautiful!
GrandPat: [frustrated] The things I do for love!
Squidina: And now to begin, the pinching of the bride!
Klopnodian woman: [pinches GrandPat's face] Pinch for good luck!
Squidina: [voiceover] Then, the smiting of the bride!
[GrandPat gets hit in the face three times with a spiked mallet, leaving imprints in his face.]
Squidina: [voiceover] Finally, the lightning of the bride!
GrandPat: [yells, face is burned, starts crying]
Bunny: Aw, GrandPat! I didn't know you cried at weddings!
Squidina: [to Cecil] You're up next, dad! [gives him cake] Take the stoinkping to the end of the aisle!
Cecil: [walks forward with it] This'll be a piece of cake! [rimshot]
Squidina: Well, if you can get past the Argle Gargles!
Cecil: Wha?
[Three buff Klopnodians with weapons block his past.]
Argle Gargles: Argle Gargle!
Cecil: [rips off his shirt, revealing him to be buff] Charge!
[Cecil jumps over the mace of one Argle Gargle. The layers of the cake land back on the plate. The next one slices him with a sword, which he jumps over, and the parts of his body land in place.]
Cecil: Yeah! I'm okay!
[The third Argle Gargle sticks him with a ham on a stick. His body stretches backwards, but his arms go forward.]
Bunny: Ooh!
Cecil: [straining]
[Cecil drops the cake near the altar.]
Bunny, GrandPat, and priest: Touchdown getoink!
[A live-action audience of sports fans applauds. The Argle Gargles clap for Cecil. He gives a thumbs up with his outstretched arm.]
Cecil: Still got it!
[Squidina sits in a chair and worries. Patrick comes up to her with a drink, hot dog, and popcorn.]
Patrick: Hey, Squidina. What'd I miss? [slurps drink, drops everything and leans forward] Oh!
[The cake glimmers as Patrick looks at it.]
Patrick: [as the cake appears in his eyes] Cake! [drools]
Squidina: [grabs Patrick's mouth] Patrick! Remember how we got in this mess in the first place! What's your one golden rule for this wedding?
Patrick: Don't make eye contact with the monkeys?
Squidina: [facepalms] No! Don't eat the cake!
Priest: Now, we join these two [Patrick drools] in holy marskepony...
[Patrick smiles and drools harder. Squidina glares at him. He covers up his mouth to stop the drooling, but it fills his eyes and comes out his ears, splashing on Squidina.]
Priest: [talking in background about cake]
Cake: [grows face] Oh, Patrick. I bet you're wondering what flavor I am. Chocolate? Vanilla? Stinky sock? Or maybe even ice cream...
[Patrick struggles to resist until the cake says "ice cream."]
Patrick: [screaming] I can't take it anymore! [runs down aisle] I need that caaake!
Squidina: Patrick, no!
[Patrick runs towards the cake, but gets knocked back by the time closet suddenly appearing. He lands on his back.]
Patrick: Hey! Who dares to get between me and cake?
[A cyborg Patrick exits from the time closet.]
Cyberpat: It is I, Patrick, from the year 3 million!
Patrick: Ooh!
Squidina: Huh?
Cyberpat: I come from the future to deliver a dire message! Patrick Star... [grabs cake] You cannot eat this cake!
Squidina: Phew!
Cyberpat: Because I wanna eat the cake!
Squidina: What!?
Patrick: [pointing] Oh, no, you don't!
[Patrick hits Cyberpat in the stomach. They get into a fight cloud. Patrick gets the cake and kicks Cyberpat's face.]
Cyberpat: Aw, come on!
[They fight some more, reaching the middle of the aisle.]
Patrick: [pulls] Hand over the cake or else!
Cyberpat: [pulls] Or else what?
Patrick: Or else I'll punch you in-- [Cyberpat punches him]
[They fight and end up in front of the time closet.]
Patrick: I saw it first!
Cyberpat: I retroactively saw it first! From the future!
Cecil and Bunny: [crying]
Bunny: There goes our wedding! [picks up suitcases] Back to Klopnod I go!
Cecil: Oh no! [grows hair] The bachelorification has already begun!
Squidina: It's all ruined! [pulls hat] What are the Klopguardians gonna think?
Blue Klopguardian: Little squid girl?
Squidina: [shouts]
Blue Klopguardian: How could you...?
Squidina: [looks nervous, with sunken eyes]
Blue Klopguardian: [shows list with checkmarks] Manage to finish every Klopnodian tradition [unrolls list] in record time!
Squidina: Wait, what? [list goes over her face]
Blue Klopguardian: You even did newest tradition: the Yekkle-Gleek! Also known as, [shot of the list] the Battle of the Time Traveling Children!
Squidina: Oh! Well, y'know, that was, uh, totally on purpose... [smiles]
Green Klopguardian: [holding palm out at blue Klopguardian] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down! They didn't finish the last tradition! The kissing of the Stoinkping cake!
Squidina: How much time is left?
[The sun is setting outside.]
Squidina: Oh no! It's too late!
Blue Klopguardian: Hmm... [lifts sun up a bit, waves burning hand] I bought you fifteen seconds.
Squidina: [to Bunny and Cecil] Well, what are you waiting for? Kiss that cake already!
Cecil and Bunny: [excited shouting]
[Everyone gathers around as Patrick and Cyberpat are still fighting over the cake. Cecil and Bunny hop on their shoulders and kiss the cake. The shot cuts to show this on a futuristic TV. Future Cecil and Future Bunny are watching it, with GrandPat being left as a brain in a jar.]
Future Cecil and Future Bunny: Happy anniversary, honey! [kiss]
[A future Squidina on treads comes in.]
Future Squidina: Is it just like you remembered?
Cecil: Sweetie, when you've survived the robot apocalypse, you don't remember a darn thing.
[The time closet teleports in. Cyberpat and Patrick are still fighting over the cake. They smash into each other and the cake goes flying.]
Patrick and Cyberpat: [gasping]
[The cake flies into Future Cecil and Future Bunny's hands. They kiss the cake as a heart-shaped iris out closes in on them. A live-action explosion cuts it off.]