Which Witch is Which?/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Which Witch is Which?/transcript" from season , which aired on .

• [The episode opens with an exterior shot of the Star house. Inside, Cecil, Squidina, Patrick, and Bunny are playing a board game.]
• Patrick: [shaking dice] Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! [rolls dice] Eeee! [picks up card] Hey! I lose my turn!
• Bunny: [patting his back] Hooray!
• Cecil: Whoa-hoa-hoa! Yes! [clapping]
• Squidina: [rolls dice and takes a card] Aw, barnacles! Move three spaces ahead? [moves her piece] I never lose my turn!
• Patrick: Aw, look on the bright side, Squidina! At least it's not raining!
• [Pan over to the kitchen window. Clouds suddenly appear and it starts raining. Lightning flashes. A bat flies into the window.]
• Patrick: [excited] Oh! A bat!
• Squidina, Bunny, and Cecil: [scared] A bat!?
• Patrick: Oh, calm down, everybody. You know what they say: "See a bat, kiss it twice, [holds up three fingers] always gets rid of head lice!"
• [Zoom in to a louse on Patrick's head.]
• Louse: Ugh. I hate poetry. [takes out bindle stick and walks away]
• Patrick: I'll handle this!
• [Patrick rolls down the window and tries to kiss the bat. It flies inside, and the rest of the family ducks as it approaches.]
• Cecil: Aah! Oh!
• Squidina: Aah!
• Bunny: Get back!
• [The bat flies into a lightbulb and electrocutes itself, then drops down onto the table. It spits out a scroll.]
• Squidina: A scroll? [opens it and magic dust comes out] It says Agnes Steelhead is coming to visit. Who's Agnes Steelhead?
• Bunny: My mother and your grandmother! [suddenly panicked] Oh, but this house is a mess!
• [Bunny dusts two portraits of Star family members. One sneezes, and the other gives him a handkerchief. Bunny continues cleaning in the background.]
• Squidina: What's Grandma Steelhead like?
• Cecil: Well, she's really good at... uh, criticism.
• Patrick: She always brought me weird gifts. [holds up voodoo doll with nails sticking out of it, an eye falling off, and a cockroach crawling over it]
• Cecil: Your grandma is a real life Klopnodian witch. But I don't think she likes me very much. [imitating Agnes] "I'm Agnes! I've got magical powers of transformation and I don't approve of this non-magical husband!"
• [Agnes appears as a bat behind Cecil, then turns into her regular squid form.]
• Agnes: [coughs]
• Cecil: [turns around, panicked] Agnes!
• Bunny: [excited] Mom!
• Squidina: [excited] Grandma!
• Agnes: [stretches out her arms, hitting Cecil] Oh, where are my darling ladies? [hugs Bunny and Squidina] And... Patrick, was it?
• Patrick: [excited] Grandma!
• Agnes: Ugh. [to Cecil] Hello, Cereal.
• Cecil: Cecil.
• Agnes: See-saw.
• Cecil: Cecil.
• Agnes: Sea snail.
• Cecil: Cecil.
• Agnes: [snaps her fingers to put a cork in his mouth] This one talks too much, Bunny. [magically throws Cecil away] When are you going to get a warlock boyfriend?
• Bunny: Mom, we've been married for 30 years.
• Agnes: Well, whatever. [picks up Squidina] I'm here to see my precious granddaughter. [pinches Squidina's cheek] You're the daughter of a seventh-generation witch, you know?
• Squidina: [gasps] I am?
• Agnes: Now that you're eight years old, it's time to undergo the family witch trials to test you for magical powers.
• Patrick: Oh! Oh! Oh! Can you test us for a magic too, Gwanny?
• [Cecil frantically gestures "no".]
• Agnes: Oh, I've got a special test for you.
• [She takes out her wand and casts a bolt that makes the couch grow arms. It grabs Patrick and Cecil and drags them to it, then turns on the TV, which shows one puppet repeatedly whacking another. The couch rubs their heads.]
• Squidina: I don't think I have magical powers yet. When did you get yours, Mom?
• Bunny: Well, I never got my powers.
• [Flashback: Bunny as a child on top of Agnes's house. Agnes flies in on a broom. Bunny takes it and starts sweeping, to Agnes's disapproval.]
• Bunny: I may not have lived up to all of Mama's expectations, but the greatest magical spell of all is keeping this house tidy.
• Agnes: [casts spell to make a chair grow legs, then walks over on it] No, it isn't. This is! [snaps fingers and makes the kitchen dirty]
• Bunny: [screams] No! [vacuums cabinets] Not my cabinets! [vacuums floor] Oh, my poor linoleum!
• Squidina: Do you really think I'm a witch, Grandma?
• Agnes: One can only hope. [makes a cloud of dust that takes them to the front yard] First, we'll test your ability to cast fire spells. [summons a small wand] You'll need a fire wand, naturally.
• Squidina: Wow! My own wand! Oh, thank you, Nana! ... Can I call you Nana?
• Agnes: No, no.
• [Squidina looks disappointed.]
• Agnes: A real witch knows how to use her wand to focus her pyromancy. Like so. [casts spell] Ignite!
• [The blast of magic hits a fire hydrant, making it shoot fire. A man waiting for the bus is caught on fire.]
• Man: Whew! Ooh, today's a real scorcher!
• Agnes: [blows on wand] Now it is your turn. Try the mailbox.
• Squidina: Ignite! [nothing happens] Uh... Huh? Ugh! [waving wand rapidly] Ignite! Ignite! Ignite! [excited] Ah! [the mailbox's door opens] [disappointed] Ohh! Oh, I'm not a witch, am I?
• Agnes: [hides smoking wand behind her back] You may need target practice, dear. You just missed.
• Squidina: Missed?
• [Past the mailbox is Granny Tentacles' house, which has been lit on fire.]
• Squidina: [screams]
• Agnes: Eh, it was an ugly house anyway. And now your next trial! [poofs them to the bathroom] Trial number two. You will brew a transformation potion. Let me show you how it works.
• [She magically dumps potions into a single flask, then whistles. The couch throws Cecil through the bathroom door.]
• Cecil: [screaming] Ow!
• Agnes: Down the hatch, See-saw. [makes Cecil drink the potion, and he turns into Slappy]
• Cecil: Oh, peachy keen. [creepy laughing]
• Squidina: Eww!
• Agnes: Now you try.
• [Agnes summons three green vials and a book of spells, which Squidina carries to the bathtub]
• Squidina: [flipping through book] Okay! Eye of newt! [dumps potion] Pimple of newt! [dumps potion] Twist of lemon! [dumps lemon in, and the potion drains] And a-- huh? My potion! What's happening to my--
• [Patrick is drinking the potion from the bathtub with a straw.]
• Patrick: [belches] You should be proud, sis. That was the best tub soup I've ever had.
• Squidina: Do you feel anything?
• Patrick: Hmm. [touches head] I feel-- I feel--
• Squidina: [intensely] Yes?
• Patrick: [flatly] Hungry. ...Hey, tiny dessert soup! Ooh!
• [Patrick inhales Agnes's potion, turning him into Slappy.]
• Patrick and Cecil: Delicious! [creepy laughing]
• [Slappy appears in the window and starts laughing with them.]
• Squidina: Uh, will he be okay?
• Agnes: Was he ever okay?
• [Agnes poofs herself and Squidina out of the room. GrandPat comes in, with his eyes closed.]
• GrandPat: Make way, GrandPat's gotta go! [notices] What the-- Hmm! Witchcraft is afoot! [shakes Patrick] Snap out of it, boy!
• Patrick: [poofs back to normal] Oh, thanks, GrandPat!
• GrandPat: [drags him outside] No time! We got a witch to catch!
• [Slappy and Cecil continue laughing in the doorway. GrandPat opens his closet.]
• GrandPat: Wait here, sonny. I gotta change.
• [GrandPat goes into the closet and throws some clothes out. Patrick takes a shirt off his head and sees GrandPat in an old-timey pilgrim outfit.]
• GrandPat: Witchfindin' GrandPat ready for a witch findin'!
• Patrick: [laughs] You look old-timey!
• GrandPat: I am old-timey! And witches like Agnes are evil and must be vanquished from the face of the Earth.
• Patrick: Aah! Grandma Agnes is a witch!?
• [Agnes and Squidina poof on top of the house.]
• Agnes: The broom test is next. [summons broom and gives it to Squidina] All witches can fly on a broom.
• Squidina: I don't know, Nana. Shouldn't I start small, like, you know, with a feather duster or something?
• GrandPat: [opens up dome] I see you there, witch! [slips and falls] Whoa!
• Squidina: Ohh! Nana, quick! Save my grand-dad!
• Agnes: I'd rather not. But okay.
• [GrandPat is caught on a broom. He flies up to Agnes.]
• GrandPat: You'll regret saving me when I'm through with you, witch.
• Agnes: No. You vill.
• [She sends GrandPat off on the broom, crashing into the ground, some cacti, and a chimney, which exposes a skeleton.]
• Skeleton: Thanks, gov'na! [falls apart]
• Squidina: Nana, that wasn't magical! It was just mean!
• Agnes: Honey, when a man tries to burn you at the stake, it's okay to be mean.
• [She poofs herself and Squidina away. In the living room, Patrick is arm wrestling the couch. He loses.]
• Patrick: Oh! You win! Now you get to spill food on me!
• [GrandPat comes in, with a brick in his eye and cacti stuck to his clothes.]
• GrandPat: Oh, Patrick.
• Patrick: Hiya, GrandPat. Wow, you got creamed!
• GrandPat: [removes brick] Dang it, boy! Agnes is too powerful! We gotta fight magic-- yaah! [throws couch away]-- with magic!
• [He takes out a "My First Magic Kit". Bunny is vacuuming the ceiling. Agnes and Squidina enter the house.]
• Agnes: Darling, do have an outlet where I can charge my wand? I could never find one that works with Klopnodian plugs. [shows an outlet with a sprocket, bone, finger, and key]
• [The lights dim, and disco lights shine everywhere. A disco ball spins. Patrick stands on a stage, dressed as a female magician's assistant.]
• Patrick: Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the magician on a mission, GrandPat the Magnificent!
• [GrandPat is lowered down from a rope and falls. Patrick gestures to him.]
• GrandPat: Oh! Are you ready for some-- [coughs up confetti] magic?
• Agnes: Huh. That is not real magic. [poofs on stage]
• GrandPat: Oh, yeah? Then what's this quarter doing behind your ear? [takes quarter out of her ear]
• Agnes: Hmm? [takes quarter] How did you do that?
• [Patrick catches her in a cabinet.]
• Patrick: Gotcha!
• GrandPat: Yah! [spins cabinet] Presto, change-o, bye-bye, witcho! [laughs]
• [Patrick opens the cabinet, showing it empty.]
• GrandPat: And that is how you lose a witch!
• [Agnes appears behind the cabinet and enchants it to give it legs. It walks away, and she magically picks up GrandPat and Patrick, then throws them at Squidina.]
• Squidina: [worried] GrandPat!
• [They hit the wall. Bunny comes by and vacuums them.]
• Bunny: Oh, ah, oh, my! This simply won't do!
• GrandPat: [coughs] Oh, yeah? Well, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat! [goes on stage and pulls out a big rabbit] Abra-cabarbara.
• [The rabbit roars at Agnes. She groans and casts a spell to turn GrandPat into a carrot. The rabbit eats him.]
• Squidina: Enough!
• [The rabbit and Agnes float off the stage. Squidina uses her magic and floats off the ground.]
• Agnes: Oh, my precious granddaughter does have powers!
• [Squidina throws the rabbit on the ground and raises Agnes.]
• Squidina: Grandma, it was nice to meet you, but it's time for you to go!
• [She throws Agnes out the window.]
• Agnes: Oh, oh! I'll send you a check for five dollars on your birthdaaay!
• [Squidina shoots her back to Klopnod, and she goes through the window of her house, landing in a cauldron of potion.]
• Agnes: Ah, family. Can't live with them, can't burn them at the stake. [transforms into Slappy and laughs]
• Patrick: Ohh! Squidina's magical after all?
• Bunny: [proudly] We have another witch in the family!
• GrandPat: [inside rabbit] A witch!?
• Squidina: Nah, it's just movie magic. Like this.
• [A mouse cursor comes and opens up a menu reading "Cut," "Paste," "Delete," "Undo," "Redo." Squidina clicks "Undo," turning GrandPat into a carrot. She clicks it again and turns him back to normal.]
• GrandPat: Ooh! [laughs]
• [The camera zooms out to show Squidina editing the episode on her computer. The rest of the family watches her.]
• Patrick: Ooh!
• Cecil: Gosh. It's amazing what you can do with computers these days!
• Squidina: Yeah, being a witch might be cool and all, but I realized I'm much happier producing our television show. Like a normal kid.
• Patrick: Awww. You learned that lesson in record time! Ohh! And it's a full moon tonight!
• Squidina: I may not be much of a witch... [turns into a werewolf] But I'm one heck of a werewolf! [laughs]