X Marks the Pot/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "X Marks the Pot/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[The episode opens with an exterior shot of the Bikini Bottom Jail.]
Warden: [holds up power glove] One power glove, used. [puts smelly boots on desk] One pair of boots, [waves hand] smelly. [holds up Man Ray's head] And one, uh... mask? Or is it a helmet?
Man Ray: It's my head! [his body takes his head back and twists it on] Ahh.
Warden: [puts oil pump on desk]
[Cut to Man Ray being walked out of the prison.]
Purple warden: Man Ray, you've served your time. May I call you Manny?
Man Ray: No.
Purple warden: Great! So, Manny, do you promise to give up your [raises fists] Supervillain ways? [waves finger] You're not going to blow up Bikini Bottom again, are you?
Man Ray: Oh, don't worry, Warden, Man Ray is goin' straight!
[A police car drives by, and Man Ray takes the policeman inside and throws it into the warden's hands. Man Ray gets in the police car.]
Man Ray: Straight to my lair to pick up my Blackhole Doomsday Bomb! [chortling as he drives off]
Purple warden: Ah, well. [both wave] See you soon, Manny!
Man Ray: [humming as he scares the townspeople away by his reckless driving]
[An old lady lands on top of the front of the police car.]
Old lady: [screaming]
[The police car enters a bowling alley through its front doors. Man Ray drives and breaks a wall to exit through the other side. A transition plays with Man Ray's head saying "STRIKE!". They enter a family's house, and the old lady switches positions with the baby. The mother feeds the old lady some baby food. They then drive through an evil orphanage, and Man Ray gives the baby to the old purple lady. She places the baby in a stone crib. Man Ray stops and gets out of the police car.]
Man Ray: [opening map] Ah. The location of my underground lair [beings walking] is right about here. Now I just need to grab my Blackhole Bomb, [lowers map to reveal the Star family house] and take over the... world? What? Some nitwit has built their house on top of my secret hideout! [shakes head] Shake it off, Man Ray! All you need to do is secretly secretly sneak inside their basement, find the [tiptoes fingers] secret tunnel to the secret door, and secretly grab your secret evil bomb, secretly! [begins tiptoeing, chortles, then opens hatch] It's unlocked! [enters hatch] The fools! [laughs, ends up in outhouse nearby and opens the door] Huh? That's odd.
[Man Ray reenters the outhouse, and is heard being flushed down the toilet. He exits from the mailbox and reenters it. He opens the Patrick Show TV curtains and closes them. Crashing is heard as he opens the front door. He violently slams the front door and emerges from a manhole cover.]
Man Ray: Huh? What is with this crazy house? [sighs] Calm down, Man Ray. You're a master of super-villainy. Just need a different plan of attack. [chuckles as he reenters the sewer]
[Cut to Man Ray ringing the front doorbell, wearing a mustache, a red cap, and holding a pizza box.]
Man Ray: [Italian accent] Pizza delivery!
Patrick: [opens door, pointing] Hey, you're not the regular pizza guy.
Man Ray: [sweating] Uh, he's-a sick. On-a vacation. Got lost? [a pizza truck stops by the house] He's-a lost [real pizza guy comes out with a stack of pizzas] and-a sick on-a vacation. [chuckles]
Patrick: Ooh! [points to real pizza guy] Hey, there he is! [waves] Hey, Luigi!
Luigi: [approaching] Hey! Boun giorno, Patrick! Here's 'a your daily 30 pizza delivery!
Patrick: Heh! [points to Man Ray] This guy said you were sick! Heh! [takes all pizza boxes]
Luigi: Hey! This is-a [pokes Man Ray as Patrick eats the pizzas in one bite] my-a pizza territory, [pokes Man Ray again] capiche?
Man Ray: What're you gonna do about it, short stuff?
Luigi: Hmm... [snaps fingers twice, causing two gigantic men in tank tops to come out of the pizza van]
Giant men: [growing at Man Ray]
Man Ray: [pointing left] Uh, I was just leaving. [one of the men grabs him by the torso, choking him]
[The men start squashing and stretching Man Ray like an accordion. They then use him as a throwing ball, then one of them uses him like pizza dough. He tosses it to the other man, who punches Man Ray like pizza dough, then tosses it back to the other man, who tosses Man Ray high into the air, who lands in a pizza box that gets closed.]
Luigi: [appearing on one of the men's back] Muah!
[Bubble transition to Man Ray, now in photographer clothing, ringing the doorbell with his elbow.]
Bunny: [answers] Oh, hello. Can I help you?
Man Ray: I'm Man Ra-- [clears throat] Uh, Manny, ugh, a traveling portrait photographer, and I want to take your picture.
Bunny: Ooh!
Man Ray: Would you care to peruse [suitcase opens in front of Bunny] my portfolio?
Bunny: [adjusts glasses] Oh, I'd love to. [looking at Dirty Bubble's mugshot] Oh, would ya look at that. [looking at Jumbo Shrimp's mugshot] Isn't he cute! [looking at the general posted on a bear skin rug] Oh, my, [Man Ray closes the suitcase] so artistical! Oh! You simply must take a portrait of my whole family. Come in! [takes Man Ray inside forefully, shutting the door behind her as she sets Man Ray down on the floor] Wait right here [walks away] while I wrangle my brood! [pulls on Man Ray's cheek] You little genius, you! [continues walking]
Man Ray: [growling, rubbing face] Agh! [sets camera down, wipes hands] Now to find that basement and my bomb. [chuckling, rubbing hands together]
Bunny: [walking back with Squidina] This is my darling [squishes Squidina's head] daughter! Now where did I put my darling husband? [puts on jetpack and breaks through the ceiling above]
Squidina: [excitedly approaching camera] Ooh! Camera equipment! [climbs on top of the camera and extends it, hitting Man Ray]
Man Ray: [moaning]
Squidina: [laughing as she wraps the camera film around Man Ray and around the house]
Man Ray: [steam comes out of the tops of his head]
[Squidina lets go of the film, unwinding it.]
Man Ray: [head on backwards, growling]
Squidina: [pointing and giggling at Man Ray]
Man Ray: [turns around as thunder crashes and screams at Squidina, who is unfazed] [growls, holds up handheld camera] If I give you this, will you stay out of my way?
Squidina: You [takes camera] betcha! [takes photo, flashing in Man Ray's eyes, giggling]
Man Ray: [now dizzy, clears throat] I'm just going to find your little photographer's [takes off hat, puts it back on, walking] room. Huh?
Bunny: [floating with jetpack while holding Cecil, who is wearing boxing gloves] I'm back! This is my dear hubby, Cecil! [drops Cecil, floats away]
Cecil: [punching in front of him]
Man Ray: Hey! Watch it, fella!
Cecil: Sorry, but I need to [punching air] practice my shadow boxing! I start my new job as a [turns muscular] jelly-weight prizefighter... [chuckles, goes back to normal and continues punching] yesterday. [spins around]
Bunny: [on jetpack] He's going up against the Annihilator. Aren't you, sweetie? [kisses Cecil on the cheek] Have fun while I track down Patrick! [flies away]
Squidina: [using camera, opens hatch in staircase] Keep it up, Pop! [takes picture, making Cecil dizzy momentarily before he continues punching as Man Ray dodges] I'm getting some great action shots!
Cecil: Say, you're pretty good at this boxing stuff!
Man Ray: Well, I do have the reflexes of a supervillai-- [dodges a punch from Cecil] er, a super photographer!
Cecil: Hey, come on! Spar with me! [bounces in place]
Man Ray: [sighs, flicks Cecil, making him fly backwards]
Cecil: [screaming, comes back on-screen injured and dizzy, weakly] One more round! You barely grazed me. [top row of teeth fall out]
Bunny: I found Patrick! [pours Patrick from a teapot] Oops! I forgot to get GrandPat!
Man Ray: [faceplams] Ugh! There's more of you [Bunny pulls a shark tooth lever, which brings down a tube that she enters] morons in this house?
Bunny: [rising up tube] Whoo!
Man Ray: Now, [drops Patrick, Cecil, and Squidina on the floor in front of a camera] hold this pose while the rest of your nitwit family shows up. [rubbing hands together] Let's hope they don't. [sing-songy] Now to find that baaaasement!
[Bunny falls down a tube with GrandPat.]
Man Ray: [groans]
GrandPat: [he and Bunny get in front of the camera] Hmm, [pointing to Man Ray] Who's the weirdo in the long johns?
Cecil: He's gonna take our picture, GrandPat.
GrandPat: [frightened] Picture? [shivering] I don't want my picture tooken! Cameras steal your soul! [dumps contents from flower vase and puts the vase on his head]
Bunny: Now, everyone say fleas!
Patrick: [puts hands on head] Wait, I gotta get [runs off] my guys for the photograph! [panting]
Man Ray: [sighs]
Patrick: [coming back with Mermaid Man and Man Ray action figures] I almost forgot super-duper Mermaid Man [high-pitched voice] and lame and weak Man Ray. [whimpering in voice]
Man Ray: [growling]
Patrick: [smashes Mermaid Man's figure into Man Ray's] Hey, take that, Man Ray! Oof! You're so dumb! [high-pitched voice] Oh, I surrender to your powerful fisticuffs, Mermaid Man! [whimpering in voice]
Man Ray: I don't sound--uh... Man Ray doesn't sound like that.
Patrick: [bashes Mermaid Man's figure into Man Ray's, high-pitched voice] Ow! Stop it, Mermaid Man! You big meanie! Wah! Wah wah!
Man Ray: Ehh, [taking figures] let me show you what really happened. [playing with figures] Grovel before me, Mermaid worm! [imitating Mermaid Man] I'm exposing my belly in fear!
Patrick: [pulling at Man Ray's hands] Ooh! Careful of my Man Ray doll! It's really rare 'cause [flails hands] nobody wants it!
Man Ray: [kicks Patrick back] Impossible! I had my own fan club! I mean... I'll need a dark room to develop your photos.
Patrick: Our basement's the darkest house in the room. [hits wall button with head, making Man Ray drop down a hatch under him]
Man Ray: Aaah! [lands in pieces on the basement floor] I'm beginning to miss prison. [looking around] Huh? What? This isn't my lair. Ugh, it must be [bangs fist] deeper.
Patrick: [entering through basement doors] Oh, there you are! Everybody's [pointing up] upstairs waiting for you to take our picture!
Man Ray: [presses belt buckle to rearrange himself, except with his butt as his face] Ha-ha. Huh? What? [sees his head is where his butt should be, then fixes it] [picking up figures] Before I can take your family portrait, I, uh, need to [pointing down] bury your toys deep underground.
Patrick: Why?
Man Ray: Reasons.
Patrick: Well, you've convinced me.
Man Ray: [grabs pickax from wall] I gotta get digging! [begins hitting the floor with the pickax]
[Back upstairs, the other family members have an uncanny smile on their faces. GrandPat's head is still in the vase.]
GrandPat: [moaning]
Bunny: Uh-uh-oh! He said "Don't move."
[Back in the basement, Man Ray is still attempting to dig.]
Patrick: [pulls out fancy watch] Ugh. I don't have all day. [looks at then puts away watch] Well, I do have all day. [pushes Man Ray aside] But move over--you're boring me! [begins drilling downwards with his body]
Man Ray: [looking into the hole] Where'd that kid go? Hellooo?
Patrick: [appearing behind Man Ray] Hello.
Man Ray: [gets startled into the hole and falls down to his lair, then gets up and gasps] Ohhh, [begins walking] my lair! Everything is right where I left it! [looks at body sitting in a chair] Kid Ray, you're still here! Boy, when I say stay put, you really stay put! Hmm? [turns chair around, revealing that Kid Ray is dead, and his skull falls down]
[Man Ray puts the skull back on Kid Ray, and nervously walks away.]
Man Ray: [looks under a vehicle] Bomb? [looks at supervillain display cases] Oh, bomb? [lifting city encase in glasses] Bomb? [walking] Here, bomby bomby!
[Patrick falls directly on top of Man Ray.]
Patrick: What are you looking for?
Man Ray: [both get up] I'm looking for my Blackhole Doomsday bomb. It's about yay big with fins. Blows up the universe?
Patrick: Oh, that! Ha ha. [flies up, taking Man Ray with him while breaking through the floor] We found your thingy [takes off cloth off object to reveal the bomb] years ago!
Man Ray: [embracing bomb] My Doomsday Blackhole bomb! What have they done to you?
Patrick: Pfft! It's not a bomb. [holding up nut] It's our nut smashing table!
Man Ray: Huh?
Patrick: [places nut on bomb] It's perfect for smashing seanuts! [grabs hammer and begins lifting it] Watch!
Man Ray: Stop! Hold it!
Squidina: [holding camera] Say cheese poofs! [takes picture, and the flash makes Patrick dizzy]
Patrick: [swings hammer and misses]
Man Ray: [sighs of relief]
Patrick: Oops. I missed.
Man Ray: Oh, no.
Patrick: [lightly taps hammer on nut, making the bomb explode]
Star family and Man Ray: [being blown off of Earth, letting out a scream]
[They all get sucked into a black hole. The moon and several planets get sucked into the black hole as well. The black hole shuts down.]
French Narrator: [narrating time card] Zee next day, in a parallel universe.
[Cut to Man Ray being taken back to jail by a warden.]
Purple warden: Manny, Manny, Manny, blowing up the whole earth! [pinches Man Ray's cheek] For shame.
Man Ray: [chuckles] Ah, prison! [kisses the purple warden on the cheek]
Purple warden: Oh!
Man Ray: [camera irises out onto his face, giggles]
[A camera flashes, and a mugshot with the Star family, Kid Ray, and Man Ray, holding the end card, is shown.]
Man Ray: [growling]