You're Going to Pay...Phone/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "You're Going to Pay...Phone" from season 13, which aired on January 13, 2023.

[The episode opens with the French Narrator walking to the screen. He is in a museum.]
French Narrator: Bonjour, art lovers. [he starts to walk around the museum] Tonight, for your viewing enjoyment, we present a portrait. [he stands next to a portrait of the Krusty Krab] Painted in shades of greed.
[The camera zooms in on the portrait, and Mr. Krabs is seen walking out of the Krusty Krab during closing.]
Mr. Krabs: Ah, another day, another whole bunch of dollars! [He locks up the restaurant and walks away laughing. He stops when he notices a quarter rolling on the floor] Ooh, a quarter! [he starts to chase the quarter] Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme! Whew, come back here, you! [the quarter makes a right turn, as Mr. Krabs follows] Hey, hey, where are you going? [He keeps running while panting, until he stops to catch his breath. The quarter stops too when it notices Mr. Krabs is no longer chasing it. Krabs gets a glass of water and splashes the water onto his face. He signals a thumbs up. The quarter continues to roll]
[Their chase takes them to an unknown store. The quarter hops up its stairs, and into the entrance.]
Mr. Krabs: Huh? [he walks in and continues to chase the quarter, passing by the several items in this store] Boy, this quarter is really making me work.
[The quarter rolls onto a loose floorboard which flings it up in the air, and into a payphone.]
Mr. Krabs: Huh? Hey, get back here! [he tries to get the quarter out by shaking the payphone, which doesn't work]
[Suddenly, an old man walks in from behind.]
Old Klopnodian man: Greetings, stranger.
[The man's sudden appearance freaks out Mr. Krabs, making him scream.]
Old Klopnodian man: Welcome to my emporium of wonders. Can I interest you in a traditional Klopnodian Spladunker? [he pulls out an anvil covered in pink fur as a chicken is heard clucking] Or perhaps a lightly used Flooda? [he pulls out a sweater made out of sausages as a cow is heard mooing]
Mr. Krabs: No thanks, old timer. I just want me quarter. It seems to have hopped into your payphone here.
Old Klopnodian man: Oh, I see. Well, I have no power to retrieve your coin, but I can let you have the payphone. For the low, low price of... free.
Mr. Krabs: Free!? I'll take it!
Old Klopnodian man: But be warned, that payphone comes with a curse! [thunder roars and a woman screams]
Mr. Krabs: Really? How much does the curse cost?
Old Klopnodian man: What? No, the curse is free. It comes with the phone.
Mr. Krabs: Well, then, I'll take the curse too! [he picks up the payphone and leaves as he laughs]
Old Klopnodian man: Heed my Kapritzka! Beware the call of the porch! Beware it! Ah, forget it.
[Cut to a time card that reads "The Next Morning."]
French Narrator: The next morning...
[The scene cuts to the Krusty Krab, where Mr. Krabs is installing the payphone. He runs up to different customers as he speaks..]
Mr. Krabs: Listen up, happy Krustomers! For the low price of a quarter, now you too can make that important call, while you're eating a Krabby Patty! [the phone rings and Mr. Krabs walks over to answer it] Ahoy there, Krusty Krab. Eugene Krabs, proprietor, speaking.
Demon: [evil laughter] Give away your Krabby Patties. Give them all away!
Mr. Krabs: [gasps] What kind of obscene phone call is this? When I find out who you are, I'm gonna- [the phone suddenly attaches itself to Krabs' eye, and it begins to hypnotize him] Must. Give. Patties. Away. [The scene cuts to the register, where a customer is about to pay for his meal, until Krabs slaps his arm.] No money. Patties. Free!
[SpongeBob sticks his head out the kitchen window.]
SpongeBob: Free patties? Oh, Mr. Krabs. You finally found your inner generosity. Hooray! [He goes back into the kitchen and comes out the door with a plate of Krabby Patties, throwing them to the customers] Krabby Patties for everyone! The crab is picking up the tab!
[Customers get excited and cheer as they receive their free patties.]
Mr. Krabs: All. Free.
[Customers continue to cheer, then they begin to eat their patties.]
Demon: [laughs as the phone is separated from Krabs' eye, and it hangs up]
Mr. Krabs: [comes to his senses and shakes his head] Uh.. What just happened? [a quarter rolls out of the payphone as Krabs takes it] Oh boy, a quarter! I knew this thing would pay off.
SpongeBob: [wearing a huge Krabby Patty hat with a glowing green "FREE" sign] Patties here! Free patties! Get your patties while they're hot and while they're free!
Mr. Krabs: Free?! [takes half-eaten Krabby Patties from customers and puts them in a bag] SpongeBob, there's no free lunches at the Krusty Krab! Have you gone insane? Get back in the kitchen and stitch these patty halves back together, so we can sell them again! [turns SpongeBob's sign off]
SpongeBob: [sighs] It was too good to last... [returns to the kitchen]
[The payphone calls again as Mr. Krabs picks it up.]
Mr. Krabs: Krusty Krab, Eugene... [the phone hypnotizes him again]
Demon: [laughs] Now, give away your money! Every last cent.
Mr. Krabs: Must. Give away. Money. [goes into his office and gets his money, which he starts throwing from the mast. SpongeBob comes out of the kitchen to see what's going on] Give away. All money. Boy-o.
SpongeBob: But... You just said that... Oh, I knew you were only kidding, Mr. Krabs! You really are generous! [grabs the cash register and runs to the customers]
Mr. Krabs: [gets unhypnotized again as the second quarter rolls out of the payphone] He-he, another quarter! I love this phone!
[he then notices SpongeBob throwing money out of the cash register and takes it from him]
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! What are you doing with me money?
SpongeBob: Well I thought you told me to, Mr. Krabs, I... Oh, I don't understand...
Demon: [as he attaches the phone to Mr. Krabs one last time] And now, Krabs... Give away The Krusty Krab! [laughs maliciously]
[Plankton stands near the restaurant, calibrating his laser cannon]
Plankton: Yes! With this laser cannon, I can finally blast Krabs! [Mr. Krabs gets his attention, holding the deed to the restaurant] Hummina-wha?...
Mr. Krabs: [gives him the deed] Here is deed. To Krusty Krab. She's all yours. [walks off]
Plankton: Something doesn't seem right here. But, like Granny Plankton always says: "Never look a gift snail under the shell!" I win! [starts dancing] I'm the greatest! [Plankton's dancing causes the bolt he just screwed to come off as the cannon points itself at him] Huh? Uh-oh... [it blasts him]
[Mr. Krabs returns to the restaurant and comes to his senses again, expecting the third quarter, but the phone doesn't give him any]
Mr. Krabs: Oh... What the? Where's me quarter? [grabs a crowbar and tries to unlock the coin slot as the demon laughs]
Demon: Perhaps generosity is its own reward?
Mr. Krabs: Never!
[Mr. Krabs unlocks the payphone's coin slot and notices the demon sitting inside of it, managing it through the commutator. The two exchange angry glares at each other until the demon switches them both places]
Mr. Krabs: Hey, what's the big idea? And where's that quarter you owe... [the demon closes the coin slot]
Demon: I'm free! [laughs and checks his pockets, finding out he doesn't have any change on him, and turns to SpongeBob] Uh... Hey, kid, lend me a quarter for the bus?
SpongeBob: [gives him a quarter] Sure thing, Mr. Demon!
Demon: I'm finally free! [runs off, laughing]
[The Krusty Krab is now being managed by Plankton, while Mr. Krabs manages the payphone.]
Mr. Krabs: Now this ain't so bad. Steady work, and plenty of quarters! [laughs] A crab could get used to this. [the payphone shakes] Hey! What's going on?
[SpongeBob walks out, carrying some patties. Squidward is outside, smashing the payphone with a mallet.]
Plankton: Hey, Squidward, get that hunk of junk outta here, would ya? Come on.
Squidward: Gladly. [throws it in the trash]
Mr. Krabs: [through the phone] Hello? Anyone wanna make a call? Only costs a quarter! Oh, barnacles...
[The scene fades to the French Narrator in the middle of a wormhole.]
French Narrator: Sometimes, a free phone comes at a very high price. And sometimes, the cheapskates are ones who get stuck with the bill, here in the Tidal Zone. [a payphone flies over to him as he picks it up] Allo. [it takes over as the French Narrator screams and drops over, but gets back up with his visor swirling as if he's hypnotized] Must give away one more story... A story of a grandpa adrift in space and time. A story of a sea star who is lost... In The Tidal Zone. [leaves, starting the next episode]