Biscuit Ballyhoo/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Biscuit Ballyhoo" from season 15, which aired on December 13, 2024.

[The episode opens with Sandy in a Science Scout outfit standing in front of a chalkboard.]
Sandy: All right, Science Scouts, listen up. This here business is serious as a rattlesnake [hits the chalkboard with her pointing stick] bite. So let's make sure we don't mess it up.
[Zoom out to reveal Pearl, Squidina, and SpongeBob in their outfits next to Sandy next to a road.]
Sandy: If we have enough money, we can finally afford that trip to [uses pointer to point to a chalk drawing of them on Mars] Mars! [spins the chalkboard to reveal a stack of biscuit boxes] Now, get out there and sell these biscuits!
Pearl, Squidina, and SpongeBob: [salute] Aye, aye, science master Sandy.
[Squidina approaches a house with a box of biscuits. She rings the doorbell, and Mary and Lady Prunes come out.]
Lady Prunes: [being wheeled out by Mary] What's all that racket?
Squidina: Good day, ma'ams. Would you like to buy some Science Scouts biscuits?
Lady Prunes: Science? [spits] That malarkey ain't real. Back in my day, we had alchemy, and that was good enough for us. [goes back inside]
Squidina: [groans]
Lady Prunes: [heard] Mary, it's Wednesday. Time to shave down my bunions!
Squidina: [cringes as a grinding tool is heard being used, and leaves]
[Cut to Nosferatu's castle, where SpongeBob lifts up the door knocker to let it fall. Slappy answers.]
Slappy: [on the ceiling] Who is it?
SpongeBob: Good day, sir. Are you the man of the house?
Slappy: [moves to the floor] Oh, no. The master is in repose.
[Pan over to Nosferatu watching TV.]
SpongeBob: Well, perhaps your master would like to [holds out biscuits] wake up to some fresh-baked biscuits.
Slappy: [waves hand] Oh, no. He doesn't care for solid foods.
[Nosferatu grabs SpongeBob and drinks his insides off-screen. He places SpongeBob back, who now has a straw in him and has been sucked dry.]
Slappy: Master does get thirsty, though. Sorry.
SpongeBob: [high-pitched] No problem.
[Cut to Larry's gym, where Pearl knocks on the front doors. Larry comes out jump-roping.]
Larry: 'Sup, little lady bro?
Pearl: Yes, hello, sir. Have you considered purchasing some [holds out biscuits] Science Scout bis-- um--
Larry: [does one-handed push-ups]
Pearl: I mean, energy bars? They will fill you with the fuel for fitness.
Larry: [doing a one-finger push-up] Well, Larry does need to carbo load. [leaps right-side up] I'll take a dozen boxes. [gives Pearl some money as she hands him a dozen boxes; he crushes the boxes together, sending the biscuits flying into his mouth, making his muscles grow] Yeah! [his muscles turn to flab]
Pearl: [excitedly waving money to the other Science Scouts] We got our first sale!
SpongeBob, Squidina, and Sandy: [cheer]
[Bubble transition to Pearl handing a customer some biscuits as she is given some money. She then rings a doorbell, then is given more money by another customer. She knocks on another door and is given some change. She gestures with her hand, and is given lots of change.]
Pearl: [laughs and spins around as money rains around her] Yay! [chokes on a dollar bill]
[At Mr. Krabs and Pearl's house, Pearl struggles to pull her bag of cash to a bench.]
Pearl: Oh, my aching knuckles. [close-up of her throbbing knuckles] I must've knocked on a million doors today. [rests as a scent line from the money appears, which attracts Mr. Krabs]
Mr. Krabs: [smells the scent, which turns into a dollar-shaped cloud before disappearing] Money? [walks on all fours, sniffs, laughs, then takes Pearl's bag of money] Tasty morsels for the Krabsy.
Pearl: Hey! [takes the bag back and kicks Mr. Krabs in the face] Claws off! [Mr. Krabs falls over] That money belongs to the Science Scouts. I got it from selling biscuits. [walks off]
Mr. Krabs: Selling biscuits-es, eh? [laughs]
[Bubble transition to the Science Scouts excluding SpongeBob the next day.]
Sandy: All right, that was some fancy biscuit hawkin' yesterday, but today we're gonna-- hey, where's SpongeBob?
Squidina: He's over there with Mr. Krabs and that sad-looking octopus.
[Pan over to SpongeBob and Squidward in scout outfits.]
Sandy: [approaches] SpongeBob, what are you doing?
Mr. Krabs: [pushing a wheelbarrow full of bags of buns, also in a scout outfit] He's workin' with the premier biscuit sellin' team in Bikini Bottom, that's what he's doin'. Now if you don't mind, we've got some Krusty Doodles to sell.
Sandy: Krusty Doodles? [eats a Krusty Doodle] Blech. These are just stale Krabby Patty buns! [tosses the bun away]
Mr. Krabs: Aged to perfection, and sprinkled with cinnamon. [pointing] Now, scram. This is Krusty Scout territory.
Sandy: Oh, no. This is Science Scout territory. [pulls on her scout band]
Mr. Krabs: Oh, yeah? How about a little wager? Whoever sells the most biscuits today, gets to [gets in Sandy's face] keep sellin'.
Sandy: And the loser leaves the biscuit biz forever!
Mr. Krabs and Sandy: Deal!
[Bubble transition to Squidina knocking on another door.]
Bubble Bass: [answers the door] Hmm? Oh, no. A solicitor. [tries to go back inside, but Squidina holds open the door with her foot]
Squidina: Friend, how would you like to buy the most [holds up a biscuit box] collectible snack in the whole ocean? They're mint biscuits in mint condition.
Bubble Bass: Ooh. Mint, you say?
Squidward: [approaches, flatly reading a piece of paper] If you want real biscuit flavor, try a Krusty Doodle instead. [holds up the buns]
Bubble Bass: Your cosplay is terrible, I'll pass. [holds up money for Squidina] Give me three boxes.
Squidward: [gets grabbed by Mr. Krabs] Whoa!
Mr. Krabs: Avast, Mr. Squidward. If you wanna do business, you gotta be cuter. [squishes Squidward's face] Here, I'll help ya. [shoves one end of a pump into Squidward's mouth and begins pumping to inflate his eyes] There you go. [tosses away the pump] Now you're adorable, see?
Squidward: I can't see anything. My retinas detached. [blinks and walks away with his arms out]
[Cut to Pearl ringing Mrs. Puff's house's doorbell.]
Mrs. Puff: [answers] Oh, Pearl. You sure look cute.
Pearl: Oh, thanks, Mrs. Puff. I'm selling biscuits so my scout troop can go to Mars.
Mrs. Puff: Adorable. Let me get my purse.
Squidward: [stumbles backwards holding a bag of buns] Wait a minute. Buy my biscuits instead.
Mrs. Puff: What's wrong with your eyes, Squidward?
Mr. Krabs: [picks up Squidward] You're blowing it again. [tosses Squidward away] I'll show you how it's done. [uses freshening spray on his breath and eye stalks] Hello, my sweet Puffykins. [holds up a bag of buns] Won't you buy some biscuits from the only crab to ever steal your heart?
Mrs. Puff: [flattered] Oh. [holds purse with money] Well, that does sound nice.
Pearl: Don't listen to him. [waves biscuit box] My biscuits are better, Mrs. Puff.
Mr. Krabs: [holds up bun bag] Don't listen to her.
Sandy: [approaches] Hey, find your own house to sell at!
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, get your business right here.
[Overlapping dialogue is heard before everyone except Mrs. Puff starts fighting each other.]
Mrs. Puff: [sighs, a bun bag falls near her; hears a car horn honk] Oh!
[A taxi cab is seen driving on the road.]
SpongeBob: Would you like to buy some biscuits? [seen tapping on the taxi driver's shoulder]
Taxi driver: No!
SpongeBob: Are you sure you don't wanna buy some biscuits?
Taxi driver: Yes.
SpongeBob: [sprinkles cinnamon onto the buns] How about our super spicy cinnamon biscuits?
[The taxi hits a pebble, making the biscuits jump onto the taxi driver's eyes.]
Taxi driver: [screams, steering the wheel frantically both ways] Hot!
[Meanwhile, the scouts are still fighting. Mrs. Puff goes back inside, which makes everyone stop fighting.]
Squidward: Why did everyone stop yelling?
Taxi driver: [yells right before the taxi crashes into everyone]
[The scene changes to the hospital, where everyone is seen in full body casts, groaning. Squidward is in an iron lung.]
Mr. Krabs: [in a wheelchair] Well, looks like the biscuit business is all mine now. [holds up money, sniffing]
Sandy: We ain't letting him win this one. Come on, Science Scouts! [tries to move but is in great pain, and groans]
Mr. Krabs: Oh, why not let it go, Sandy? There's only one place left to sell to, anyway. The old folks' home, and you'd have to sell to every single oldie there to beat me.
Sandy: Looks like it's up to you, Pearl. [she and Mr. Krabs notice she is gone]
Pearl: [hurriedly riding on a bicycle attached to a wagon of biscuits]
Mr. Krabs: What, wait, what? [runs off] That was my plan!
[Bubble transition to Pearl sweating on her bicycle as Mr. Krabs passes her in his boat. He releases the pin that attaches the wagon to Pearl's bicycle.]
Mr. Krabs: [holds up the pin] I believe this belongs to you. [puts the pin on his nose and spins it, laughing as he is propelled into the air]
Pearl: Huh? [notices her wagon has detached] Huh? Gah! My biscuits! [turns her bicycle around]
Mr. Krabs: [chuckles] Nothin' beats sabotaging. [notices his break is missing as he tries to reach for it] Huh? Me brakes? They've been sabotage-ed! [his boat turns left to ride off a ramp] No!
[The boat misses the Discount Explosives building and lands on a stack of mattresses in front of Mattress Mill. The building explodes. Pearl pulls along her wagon of biscuits while happily holding the brake, which she tosses away. She kicks open the doors and holds out two boxes.]
Pearl: Who wants biscuits?
Old lady: Huh?
Pearl: [holds a box up to Old Man Walker] What about you, mister? Buy some biscuits from a sweet little girl.
Old Man Walker: Are you kiddin'? [points to his mouth] Everyone's chompers have gone missin'. How are we supposed to chew biscuits if we ain't got no teeth?
[Still shot of everyone's teeth as they all groan.]
Mr. Krabs: [laughs as he bangs his damaged boat's trunk to open it, which has everyone's dentures; holds a pair of dentures and talks with it] Looks like I borrowed everyone's dentures. [laughs, then the dentures bite him in the nose] Ooh-ee! [shuts the trunk, places a blender, puts buns inside it, and turns on the blender; he pours the liquid into a bowl; using a megaphone] Get your biscuit mush right here. Nice and soft. We do the chewing so you don't have to!
Elderly people: [groan as they walk outside with spoons and straws]
Pearl: [hangs her head] Well, I guess that's it. [walks away with her wagon] Time to call it a day.
Mr. Krabs: Live and learn, Pearly girl. [holds a bun] That's just the way the biscuit bounces. [laughs]
Old man: Make mine extra mushy.
[Bubble transition to Mr. Krabs sitting on top of all of his money in his house.]
Mr. Krabs: [laughs, rubbing money in his face]
Pearl: [enters, exhausted]
Mr. Krabs: Aw, hey there, Pearly girl. Sorry you didn't win the competition.
Pearl: Oh, I didn't lose yet.
Mr. Krabs: You didn't?
Pearl: Nope. I've realized there was one more person to sell to. And I know how to get him to buy anything. [laughs]
Mr. Krabs: Oh. I don't like where this is goin'.
Pearl: [strains, then starts sobbing, her tears flooding the house] Oh, Daddy. Buy my biscuits! [sobs, getting tears in Mr. Krabs' face]
Mr. Krabs: [pushes away the tears] Oh, I can't-- [starts swimming in the tears, then pulls a drain plug to drain the tears, letting it out of the windows] All right! I'll buy your biscuits!
Pearl: Thanks, Daddy. [kisses Mr. Krabs and drops several boxes onto him, then walks away with the money] We're going to Mars.
Mr. Krabs: [cries, then eats a biscuit] Hm, these are tasty.
French Narrator: [narrating time card] One journey through space later...
[A rocket lands on the surface of Mars. Sandy presses a button on the control panel.]
Sandy: Whew. That was some mighty-fine sellin', Science Scouts. Now we can afford to boldly expand into new biscuit markets.
SpongeBob, Pearl, and Squidina: Hooray!
[The rocket ship's door opens, and Sandy looks out.]
Martian girl: [waving at Sandy] Greetings, Earth creatures. [holding a box of biscuits] Would you like to purchase some Astro biscuits? We are raising money for a trip to Earth.
Sandy: [presses a button to close the door] Okay, y'all. If we earn enough money, we can afford a trip to Jupiter.