Student Driver Survivor/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Student Driver Survivor" from season 15, which aired on December 17, 2024.

[The episode opens at Mrs. Puff's Boating School.]
SpongeBob: [imitating car sounds in the classroom] Vroom, vroom! Pew! Vrow! [skids backwards in his seat while holding a steering wheel] My boat was stuck in reverse for a whole mile. [turns] I turned left, [moves backwards next to a student who yelps] and backed into a mountain of giant springs.
Scooter: [screams as he is knocked out of his seat, injured, gives thumbs-up] Ha. Righteous, dude.
SpongeBob: Then, the boat sprung forward [jumps forward in his seat] onto an unfinished bridge! Where we bounced-- [bounces on the students' seats] yoink, yoink-- from column to column, and got caught on the hook of a construction crane, [grabs the ceiling light and swings from it] where we swung out over the city, until [lands on a trash can next to Mrs. Puff] we landed on a garbage dumpster.
Mrs. Puff: Thank you, SpongeBob, for that melodramatic retelling of our last driving lesson.
SpongeBob: My pleasure. [the seat's engine starts up, neighs, and drives forward, crashing into the wall, chuckles nervously] Wall came outta nowhere.
Students: [clap, unimpressed]
Mrs. Puff: [waves fins] Settle down, class. I'm elated to announce that today we have a new driving student with us. [gestures inside with her fin] Come in and introduce yourself.
Greenlight: [enters] Thank you so much for this opportunity. Acceleration T. Greenlight's the name, and teaching driving is my game.
Mrs. Puff: What?
Greenlight: I'm the owner and operator of [holds out a steering wheel with a green outline] the Greenlight Driving School. [honks the horn on the steering wheel]
Mrs. Puff: [points and gets up] All right, mister, you can just--
Greenlight: And I guarantee a driver's license to anyone after only [spins Mrs. Puff around] one drive around the block, and in half the price that Mrs. Puff charges. [chuckles]
Class: [cheers and applauds]
Mrs. Puff: I've dealt with his kind before. [presses a button on her desk to open it up, revealing several weapons, and struggles to reach for it] No. I am not going back to the slammer. [shuts her desk]
Greenlight: Once around the block, [holds up a large arrow] and your license is a lock. Follow me! [twirls the sign as he moves] Right this way, beep, beep!
Class: [following Greenlight] Beep, beep! Beep, beep!
Mrs. Puff: Class, where are you going? [reaches out and grabs Scooter's leg] Don't listen to him. Come back! We have a lesson! [Scooter pulls his leg free and runs off, sighs]
Greenlight: [in front of the Greenlight Driving School] Welcome, suckers-- I mean, students-- to the Greenlight Driving School.
Mrs. Puff: [goes back to her desk] I can't believe everyone left me.
SpongeBob: Not everyone. [waves eagerly]
Mrs. Puff: [sighs] SpongeBob. I might have known.
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob driving with Mrs. Puff on the driving course. He makes a left, then a right as they crash into the wall.]
Mrs. Puff: Whoa!
SpongeBob: No problem. [drives backwards, knocking over several traffic cones]
Mrs. Puff: Careful. Watch out.
SpongeBob: I got this.
Mrs. Puff: [turns around backwards, driving in a circle] Slow down. Brakes. Brakes! [screams as SpongeBbb drives forward and drives off a steep ramp, then the boat lands upside-down]
Mrs. Puff: Oh, Neptune.
SpongeBob: [some change, gum, and marbles fall out of his pocket, which he picks up] Whoops. Here you go. [puts the change and other objects into Mrs. Puff's hand] That's for today's lesson. [removes his seat belt and falls down] Don't spend it all in one place. See you next week. [skips away] ♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la. ♪
Mrs. Puff: [bumps her head as she crawls out, then growls as he sees Greenlight Driving School]
Greenlight: Yessiree, once around the block.
[Greenlight gets in a boat with Scooter, who begins driving around the block. Greenlight is reading a newspaper as Scooter finishes.]
Greenlight: [laughs, slaps the newspaper onto Scooter's face, then jumps out] Congratulations! [holds a cardboard driver's license for Scooter] You're a licensed driver.
Scooter: [takes the license] Gnarly. [gives money to Greenlight, drives off]
Greenlight: [chuckles as he through the money]
[Scooter's boat crashes off-screen as parts fly all over the place.]
Students: [eagerly holding up money around Greenlight] I want a license. / Me, too!
Mrs. Puff: [scoffs] Acceleration T. Greenlight. [kicks the mailbox, sending bills flying into the air, reading them] Yah! Bills. Overdue. Delinquent. [rips a bill, then gasps as she reads another] "Pay or die?" [inflates] How will I ever pay these bills [tugs on her hair, pulling it out] teaching SpongeBob only once a week? Oh.
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob walking next to the street.]
SpongeBob: [gets startled as Mrs. Puff honks the boat horn as she drives a boat up to him] Yah! [turns his body around to fit his lower half]
Mrs. Puff: [waving] Yoo-hoo, SpongeBob! Hop in for your next lesson.
SpongeBob: Oh, you're mistaken, Mrs. Puff. [holds up a calendar] Today's not my lesson day.
Mrs. Puff: I just upgraded you to [holds up a clipboard with a yellow star] Super Gold status. You'll have lessons every day, with the corresponding fees, of course.
SpongeBob: [scratches his head] Yeah, but, I-- I'm on my way to work.
Mrs. Puff: [screams, pointing] Get in the boat!
SpongeBob: [gets in the driver's seat] Yes, Mrs. Puff.
Mrs. Puff: [points ahead] Now, drive.
SpongeBob: [salutes] Aye, aye.
[Mrs. Puff and SpongeBob put their seat belts on as SpongeBob starts driving. Bubble transition to a road with boats on it, where SpongeBob drives on to.]
Mrs. Puff: [yelps as SpongeBob hits every single boat as he drives, then her eyes pop out of her head as she sees a ramp ahead] Wow! [covers her eyes] I can't look! [screams as SpongeBob drives off the ramp, holds up a stop sign] Stop!
[SpongeBob stops mid-air, and they land directly in front of Mrs. Puff's Boating School. Their hats land on their heads.]
SpongeBob: [both look to the right] Ooh, looky there. [points as the camera pans over to Greenlight Driving School] It's that really successful driving school.
Harold: [as Greenlight hands him a license] Hey, thanks.
Female student: [chuckles as she receives her license] Thanks.
Harold: [gets in a boat as the female student does as well] Great, I can drive now. [both drive off]
Blind student: [feels for his license and grabs it] Huh, thanks! [walks ahead while using his cane to feel the ground]
Greenlight: [waving to Mrs.Puff] Hello, [holds up a megaphone] loser.
Mrs. Puff: [slumps]
SpongeBob: Don't worry, Mrs. Puff. [salutes] I'm loyal to you, and only you. [hugs Mrs. Puff, then puts the boat in drive]
Mrs. Puff: Oh, thank you, Sponge... [SpongeBob starts driving] Bob! [the boat hits a pole, sending them spinning] Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Pet owners: [run away from the pet park with their pets, screaming]
Mrs. Puff: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! [crashes off-screen into a statue of Neptune, whose trident snaps off and lands on the boat]
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob's bedroom at nighttime, where Gary is sleeping. SpongeBob enters in his sleepwear and falls on his face.]
SpongeBob: [yawns, then slides into his bed] That was a long day's driving lesson, Gary. [tries to sleep, but hears a boat horn, and looks out his window to see Mrs. Puff in the boat]
Mrs. Puff: [waving] SpongeBob, time for your next lesson!
SpongeBob: Yeah, but it's the middle of the night.
Mrs. Puff: [drives inside SpongeBob's bedroom] Tonight's lesson is--
SpongeBob: [screams]
Mrs. Puff: Late-night driving. Of course, there'll be an extra fee. Hurry up. [drives backwards]
SpongeBob: [yawns, trudging ahead] Coming, Mrs. Puff.
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob driving on the road with Mrs. Puff.]
Mrs. Puff: The most important part of night driving is staying awake. Some loud music... [turns on the radio to play loud fanfare, then puts a funnel on SpongeBob's head to pour coffee into it] And coffee should do it.
SpongeBob: [jolts awake with wide-open eyes] Eeeh! [swerves on the road]
Driver #1: Watch it!
Driver #2: Get off the road!
[They crash in the fog bank ahead, as indicated by a warning sign. Bubble transition to SpongeBob and Mrs. Puff arriving at SpongeBob's house. SpongeBob runs over his mailbox.]
SpongeBob: [groans as he gets out of the boat, melting to the ground]
Mrs. Puff: I'll see you in the morning for tomorrow's lesson.
SpongeBob: But tomorrow is Sunday.
Mrs. Puff: It's your Sunday driver lesson, you silly billy boy. [shuts the door and drives off]
SpongeBob: Yeah. [squirms away on the ground] I'm a silly billy boy.
[Bubble transition to the Ice Rink, where SpongeBob is ice skating.]
SpongeBob: Finally, a day to myself. [humming while ice skating, spins in the air, then hears a boat horn] Huh? [falls to the floor]
Mrs. Puff: [arrives in her boat] Today's lesson, ice driving.
[Wipe transition to SpongeBob driving the boat, and it spins on the ice.]
Mrs. Puff: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Turn into the slide! Foot off the gas! Pray to Neptune. [screams as SpongeBob is holding the steering wheel]
[The boat drives backwards past some ice skaters, and starts spinning again.]
SpongeBob: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Mrs. Puff: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
SpongeBob: [finally stops the boat] Hey, that actually worked.
[The ice below the boat cracks open, sending it into the water below. Bubble transition to the mountains, where SpongeBob hikes in a new outfit.]
SpongeBob: Just what I needed, some me time. [sniffs some flowers, where Mrs. Puff's boat emerges as its horn honks] Yikes! What lesson now?
Mrs. Puff: Mountain driving lesson. [cut to her screaming as SpongeBob drives down a mountain, then off a ramp]
SpongeBob: Whoa! [calling out] Look out below!
[Mrs. Puff covers her eyes as the boat is launched into the air as it flings off of electrical lines, and explodes in the distance. Bubble transition to the hospital, where SpongeBob has a zipper on his stomach.]
Doctor: Nurse, I'm unzipping him now. [unzips SpongeBob's zipper]
SpongeBob: Oh, hold on, Doctor. [looks inside his stomach] Mrs. Puff, are you in there? [echoing inside his stomach] Are you in there?
Mrs. Puff: [takes off her doctor disguise] Don't be silly, SpongeBob. How would I fit in there?
Patrick: [his head emerges from SpongeBob's stomach] Yeah, there's only room for one, me.
SpongeBob and Mrs. Puff: Oh, Patrick.
Patrick: [closes the zipper]
Mrs. Puff: Time for your next driving lesson.
SpongeBob: But, Mrs. Puff, I'm totally broke. I can't pay for any more lessons.
Mrs. Puff: [sadly walks away] Well, I guess it's the end of the road for me.
Patrick: [unzips] Can we get some lunch now? Your stomach is empty.
[Bubble transition to Mrs. Puff approaching her boating school while carrying a sign.]
Mrs. Puff: [sighs, putting up the sign] Out of business. I thought my school would last forever. [looks at the wreckage on her driving course] SpongeBob, the one-sponge wrecking crew. [gets an idea, and her body rotates] Ooh! Hold on, SpongeBob. That's it. I can't believe I've been going about this all wrong. [laughs]
[Bubble transition to Gary getting his driver's license.]
Greenlight: [holding out Gary's cardboard license] Happy trails, snail.
Gary: [grabs the license with his eyes] Meow. [drives away as Mrs. Puff stops where he was]
Greenlight: Well, if it isn't Mrs. Puff. What brings you to my humble driving school?
Mrs. Puff: You say you can get any student a license with just one lesson?
Greenlight: Guaranteed.
Mrs. Puff: Well, I've got a live one for you. [holds up SpongeBob, drops him back into the boat, and laughs as she runs off] Oh, good luck! You'll need it. [blows a kiss] Mwah. [laughing as she puts on a military helmet and hides behind a fort of pillows]
Greenlight: [putting on a sleep mask as he gets in the boat] The trick to being a licensed driver is going once around the block. [SpongeBob drives in reverse] Whoa! [screaming as SpongeBob drives through his driving school, deflating it] What are you doing? Let me out!
SpongeBob: Oh, I haven't learned "let me out" yet, but I'll show you what I have learned. [drives forward]
Greenlight: Whoa! [the boat starts spinning] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! [screams as SpongeBob drives off of some mountains and a cliff] Whoa, ah, whoa! [SpongeBob swerves around some drivers on the road, sobs as they crash, then SpongeBob turns around] Stop! Stop this boat, I beg of you!
Patrick: [head emerges from SpongeBob] The trick to being a passenger is to give up all control. [goes back inside]
Greenlight: [screams, then screams again as SpongeBob crashes the boat into the police station]
SpongeBob: How's my driving.
Officer: Well, if it isn't SpongeBob. And you've captured the [holds up a wanted poster with Greenlight's mugshot on it] notorious Acceleration T. Greenlight. [holds up some fake driver's licenses] He's been selling phony driver's licenses throughout the seabed.
Greenlight: [as two officers take him away] I would've gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for the worst driver in all the oceans.
All except Greenlight: [laugh]
SpongeBob: I wonder who he meant by that.
[Bubble transition to Mrs. Puff's Boating School.]
Mrs. Puff: Thank you, SpongeBob. Do go on.
SpongeBob: [spinning ahead in his seat] Then, Acceleration and I went down the mountain, and we drove through the fog, [crashes into the wall and lands on the floor] and we crashed on the ice.
Mrs. Puff: I love that story, SpongeBob. Tell it again.
SpongeBob: [crashing sounds are heard as the camera zooms out of the boating school, imitating car sounds] Beep, beep, beep, beep. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.