BlackJack/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "BlackJack" from season 5, which aired on August 2, 2007.

[An envelope is pushed through SpongeBob's door.]
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: Thank you, Mr. Postman. Thanks, Gary. [throws some popcorn into Gary's mouth] Hm, can't read the return address. [tears the envelope open] Maybe this will shed some light. [reads the paper. The note has the words in different fonts glued to the paper] Hey, SpongeBob, it's your cousin BlackJack. Guess what? I'm out of prison and decided to pay your parents a visit. If you want to see them again, meet me for a wrestling match at their house. Try it little man. BlackJack. [end of letter] Cousin BlackJack's out of prison?!
Gary: Meow?
SpongeBob: That's right, Gary, the cousin BlackJack! The same cousin BlackJack that used to beat me up all the time when we were kids! [flashback to a younger SpongeBob with a bowtie and blue hat on. He gets his body thrown to a wall, courtesy of BlackJack's brutality]
Young BlackJack: [laughing] Come on, little man! Let's go a couple of rounds, if you think you're tough.
Young SpongeBob: Why should we?
Young BlackJack: Because it'll show... what a little man you are. [spins SpongeBob around and plays with him as a jump rope. End of flashback. SpongeBob looks horrified from that experience]
SpongeBob: Oh, no. That was years ago, Gary!
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: My sentiments exactly. Just imagine what he must look like now! [imagines BlackJack as a giant]
BlackJack: Hi, SpongeBob. It's been a while. Good to see that you're still a little man. [laughs. Picks up SpongeBob and tears him in half then laughs some more]
SpongeBob: That brute has my parents! I got to get over there! [puts his clothes in a suitcase] Gary, I don't know how long I'll be gone. I don't know if I'll ever come back.
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: I may get beaten to a quivering pulp but I must do it, for the sake of my parents! [cries and wipes his eyes with a pair of underwear. Cuts to SpongeBob's parents' house where the building has been wrapped around with police tape and plastic] Oh, my gosh, what happened to my parents' house? What's this? "Do not cross"? Is that police tape? There's only one reason for the police being here: a crime has been committed! No! Get it together, SquarePants! To face BlackJack, you've got to be as tough as nails! [forces himself inside the house] Huh? What?! All the furniture is covered in plastic! The police must have covered everything to preserve the crime scene. What could have happened here? [walks forward a little] What's this? BlackJack smashed my family portrait! Oh, no! What has he done with my parents?! [imagines his parents watching TV]
Margaret: Oh, darling, it's so nice to spend quality time with you; what with you in the office all hours of the day. [Harold snorts. BlackJack busts down the door and laughs]
BlackJack: I got a new outfit for ya! [laughs. Both parents are whimpering]
SpongeBob: That fiend! Where did he take them? I must find more evidence. What's this? Another note. [reads note] SpongeBob, I paid your parents a visit. Now, I'm going to do the same with Gramma! You better hurry, little man-boy. BlackJack. [end of note] He's going to get Grandma, too! I have to stop him! [cut to Grandma's house] Grandma! Grandma, where are you? Are you okay? Grandma? You in here? Grandma? [sees a gingerbread man on a plate] Oh, no, I'm too late! He burnt you to a crisp! Oh, that animal! [cries]
Grandma: SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Grandma? Are you talking to me from beyond the beyond?
Grandma: Well, if you mean from beyond the kitchen table, yes. You're just in time. I've baked a fresh batch of gingerbread men.
SpongeBob: But where's BlackJack?
Grandma: Oh, BlackJack just called and left a message for you. He couldn't make it because he's got some loose ends to tie up.
SpongeBob: Loose ends. My parents! He's tied them up?!
Grandma: And if you don't hurry, you'll miss out on all the fun. [SpongeBob imagines his parents being hung over a boiler by BlackJack. He screams as his head bends and an identical head pops up from his mouth] And when it's all done, he'll need help cleaning up the mess.
SpongeBob: Cleaning up the mess? [his face deflates] I got to get help! I'll go to Uncle Captain Blue's! He'll know what to do. [runs to Captain Blue's where he is mowing the yard. SpongeBob jumps on the lawn mower] Uncle Captain Blue, I need your help!
Uncle Captain Blue: Well, if it isn't little SpongeBob. Plant a firm one on me, Bobby. [shakes SpongeBob's hand, but tears his arm off in the process]
SpongeBob: I need you to help me rescue my parents!
Uncle Captain Blue: Sure, Little Bobby. I could use some help with the lawn, but you're gonna need this to do the job right. [hands back his arm. SpongeBob quickly mows the lawn]
French Narrator: 346 minutes later...
SpongeBob: Uncle Captain Blue, I need to help my parents! They're in danger!
Uncle Captain Blue: [turns off the mixer] What? You want to build a fence? [laughs] The boy came to work.
SpongeBob: Actually, I came to try to find my...
Uncle Captain Blue: [shoves wooden boards, hammers, and nails in SpongeBob's face] And when you're done, I've made a tomato and clam juice smoothie to refresh you. [drinks the smoothie out of the mixer] Ah. [SpongeBob builds a fence all the way around Uncle Captain Blue's property. over speaker] And how many candles you burning out there? Over. [indistinct speech and static] Do you copy? Over? [tries turning the knob] Copy? Do you copy?
SpongeBob: Uncle Captain Blue, Uncle Captain Blue! Please help me!
Uncle Captain Blue: Well, of course you can! [SpongeBob cuts off some coral, paints the house, and fixes the boat. When he's done, it's nighttime]
French Narrator: Much, much, much later...
SpongeBob: [uses his tongue to crawl to Captain Blue; screams] I am desperately searching for my mommy and daddy!
Uncle Captain Blue: Landscaping? Isn't it a little dark out for landscaping? [SpongeBob grabs the music player and yanks it out of the wall]
SpongeBob: Listen, Uncle Captain Blue! We don't have much time. Cousin BlackJack has my parents held captive at his house!
Uncle Captain Blue: They let that dangerous miscreant out of prison? Sounds like your parents are in trouble, kid.
SpongeBob: That's why we have to rescue them now!
Uncle Captain Blue: Whoa, there, Little Bobby. No can do.
SpongeBob: But, Uncle Captain Blue, I need the help of a crime fighter like you!
Uncle Captain Blue: No, no, I don't chase criminals these days. I'm retired, and if I were you, I'd consider turning around and going home. You're not cut out for this kind of work, boy. An innocent kid like you doesn't stand a chance against a criminal mind. Do you have any idea what people like that do to people like you?
SpongeBob: You mean they won't give me a push on the swing set?
Uncle Captain Blue: Well, let's just say, I hope you've practiced walking without legs, or arms, or a body. But since you insist, I'll drive you all the way over to BlackJack's right now. [SpongeBob digs up the concrete with his fingers] Just try to relax until we get there. [drives 20 feet and stops] There it is. We're here. [SpongeBob gets out] Uh, lock the door behind you, kid. [SpongeBob pushes down the lock and Uncle Captain Blue drives back into his house. SpongeBob goes up the steps and then steps on a one that makes noise. A guard worm growls and barks at SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: [screams] Nice wormy, nice wormy. Nice wormy. [grabs the door handle to knock, but is tapped on the shoulder by his uncle in a thought cloud]
Uncle Captain Blue: Do you have any idea what people like that do to people like you? [SpongeBob imagines himself knocking on the door and BlackJack grabbing him through the door and using him as dental floss. He screams]
SpongeBob: Uncle Captain Blue is right. I'm not cut out for this. I should just turn around and go home. [Margaret screams] Mother! [runs through the door] Mom?
Margaret: Help me!
SpongeBob: They're trapped in the basement! [runs down into the basement] Mom, dad, quick! Let's get out of here!
Margaret: Oh, but if we leave now, we'll miss the party.
SpongeBob: Party?
Margaret: Oh, why, yes. We're celebrating your cousin BlackJack's release from prison.
Harold: Now if your klutzy mother can stop dropping her punch glass like she dropped that picture frame...
Margaret: I told you, Harold, that was the fumigators' fault.
SpongeBob: The fumigators? So that wasn't a crime scene I saw at your house?
Harold: The only crime that ever happened at our house was the infestation of those worthless krill, but they should be gone by now.
SpongeBob: So, you two aren't being tortured by cousin BlackJack?
Harold: No, SpongeBob, your cousin BlackJack has paid his debt to society and renounced his criminal ways. Never again will he litter.
BlackJack: That's right, little man!
Margaret: Oh, well, here comes the man of the hour. He's been talking all day about playing with his little cousin again. He mentioned something about jumping rope with like the old days. [SpongeBob's eyes break]
BlackJack: Did you come here to quiver like a jellyfish, or did you come to wrestle?
SpongeBob: [whimpering] To quiver! [hides his eyes, nose, and mouth inside his head]
BlackJack: I always knew you were a little man. Prepare to live your past in the present. [laughs]
SpongeBob: [whimpering] Come on, Little Bobby. Don't let him beat you. You've got to stand up for yourself this time! That's it! I am not gonna take this anymore! I am putting my foot down! You wanna tussle?! Well, let's tussle it up! [Cousin BlackJack runs at SpongeBob and hangs onto his leg. He is the size of SpongeBob's foot] Cousin BlackJack?
BlackJack: In the living flesh! [grunts as he takes off SpongeBob's shoe and punches his big toe]
SpongeBob: [laughs] That tickles!
BlackJack: Just like the old days, eh, cousin?
SpongeBob: Yeah, BlackJack, you haven't changed a bit. [everyone laughs]