Hot Crossed Nuts/transcript

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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Hot Crossed Nuts" from season 13, which aired on June 20, 2023.

[The episode opens with a shot of the Krusty Krab. The scene then cuts to Sandy sitting, with a plate and a lunch bag on her table.]
Sandy: [ties on a bib] Uh-huh!
[SpongeBob stretches his leg and steps to Sandy. He is holding a closed platter.]
SpongeBob: Bonjour, mademoiselle San-day! I have brought your usual! [lifts up the platter to reveal a Krabby Patty, drink, and fries] One Krusty Combo!
Sandy: [takes drink] Thanks, SpongeBob, but I won't be needing the food! [reaches into bag] I brought a little something of my own from home!
[The words "from home" echo as SpongeBob's pupils shrink. Sandy takes out a bunch of roasted acorns and dumps them on a plate.]
Sandy: Sandy's smokin' barbecue nuts!
SpongeBob: [gasps and drops food] I see nothing! [pushes eyes into head and zips them up] There is no outside food allowed in the Krusty Krab!
Sandy: Come on, SpongeBob! [unzips her suit and grabs an acorn] I won't spill the nuts if you won't!
[She eats the acorn, then burps fire. Smoke clogs up her helmet, and is let out through a chimney.]
Sandy: Perfecto!
SpongeBob: [covering eyes and looking away] I haven't seen a thing!
Sandy: [holds out acorn] Try one!
[SpongeBob uncovers his eyes and looks at the acorn. He smiles and tries to grab it, but then looks around nervously. After a moment of hesitation, he eats the acorn. His eyes glow red and he spits out fire. Sandy ducks to avoid the flame.]
SpongeBob: Whooo! Now that's what I call Texas heat! [looks behind him] But we really should stop before Mr. Krabs finds out!
[Mr. Krabs is in the restaurant's crow's nest. He notices and his eyes go down to SpongeBob.]
Mr. Krabs: [suspiciously] Finds out what?
SpongeBob: [screams, nervously] Oh, uh, hi, Mr. Krabs!
[SpongeBob pushes up against the table to block Krabs' view. He notices the acorns on the table and gasps. He jumps down, and his eyestalks are stretched out. He pulls them back together as Sandy looks out from behind SpongeBob.]
Mr. Krabs: Outside food!?
SpongeBob: [kneeling and pleading] Oh, mercy, Mr. Krabs! She knows naught the error of her ways!
Sandy: Oh, please. I bet, one taste of these nuts and you'll whistle a different tune!
Mr. Krabs: [steals bag and acorns] That's enough! I'm confiscerating these unauthorized acorns!
[Mr. Krabs shuts himself in his office. His voice is faintly heard behind the door.]
Mr. Krabs: [behind door] Eh, what's so good about these unauthorized nuts anyway?
[Sandy is displeased, and SpongeBob is worried. A munching sound is heard, and fire blows out from Mr. Krabs' office door. Mr. Krabs comes out, his eyes red and smoke coming out of his mouth.]
Mr. Krabs: Alright! Sandy, you're hired!
Sandy: [confused] To do what?
[Mr. Krabs grabs Sandy and pushes her into the kitchen, and puts an employee hat on her head.]
Mr. Krabs: Ah, to make those nuts at me restaurant, of course! They're delicerous!
Sandy: Uh, you're a few pickles shy of a Krabby Patty if you think I'm looking for a job.
SpongeBob: [grabs her arm] Sandy, this is no mere job! This is a calling! This is a duty to serve! This is... a dream come true!
Sandy: [smiles] Well, shoot! [shakes Mr. Krabs' hand] Why not?
[SpongeBob is still hanging on to Sandy's arm.]
Sandy: But I'll need me a barbecue grill!
Mr. Krabs: No problem! I've got an old navy trick for making barbecues! [grabs a grate from the smoke chute and a bowl of utensils, then fashions them into a barbecue] Ta-da!
[Mr. Krabs sets the barbecue down. Sandy kicks it, and it bounces and lands upright.]
Sandy: Not too shabby! I reckon she'll do!
Mr. Krabs: [leaving] Make sure to show her the ropes, boy-o!
SpongeBob: [giggling]
[Cut to a sign saying "Daily Special BBQ Nuts" taped to the Galley Grub.]
Squidward: Barbecue nuts? These customers will eat anything.
[Mr. Krabs steps off a stepladder and burps fire in Squidward's face, burning him.]
Mr. Krabs: Mmm! Nice aftertaste!
[Squidward, still charred, blinks once. Cut to SpongeBob and Sandy in the kitchen, where SpongeBob dances around.]
SpongeBob: [singing] Sandy's in the kitchen with SpongeBob, we're in the kitchen, we two! Sandy's in the kitchen with SpongeBob, making nuts on the barbeque!
Sandy: [laughs, then grabs his hand] You heard the boss man! Tell me what's what.
SpongeBob: Well, this here is where the magic happens: the grill. Heh.
[SpongeBob puts his hands on the grill, burning them. He screams in pain and then giggles. He dots out a red rectangle in front of him.]
SpongeBob: As long as the sacred space is respected, the kitchen will remain in perfect harmony.
Sandy: Not to worry! We'll be like two crickets on a fiddle in here.
Squidward: [rings bell and holds orders out] Here. Knock yourselves out. [SpongeBob takes the orders] Please.
[SpongeBob reads the orders. Sandy has already fired up her barbecue and is cooking three nuts with tongs.]
Sandy: Already on it! So how many nuts should I fix up?
SpongeBob: Nuts? Oh, sorry, Sandy, there must be a mistake. These are all for Krabby Patties.
Sandy: [ashamed] Ohhh.
SpongeBob: Don't worry! I'll get the word out!
[Bubble Bass walks up to the register. SpongeBob leans in from the order window with an acorn.]
SpongeBob: [cowboy accent] Howdy, Bubble Bass! [spins the acorn around] I'll reckon you're hankerin' for a delicious new dish!
Bubble Bass: Certainly not! I procure the same patty every day because I have a refined--
[SpongeBob throws the acorn into Bubble Bass's mouth. He swallows it and breathes fire on Squidward.]
Bubble Bass: Ooh! Such smoky sapidity! What is it?
SpongeBob: [cowboy accent] Sandy's smokin' barbecue nuts! Pretty good, am I right?
Bubble Bass: Not just "pretty good," but good enough to go on the big screen!
[Bubble Bass shows a screen on top of his butt. Text scrolls by, beginning, "TRY SANDY'S SMOKIN'..." and text below it flashes "AMAZING!!! 10/10." Incidental 41 comes by and reads it]
Incidental 41: [reading] "Try Sandy's smokin' barbecue nuts." [calling out] Hear that, everyone? This guy's butt loves those nuts!
Incidental 23: [runs up to register and waves money] I'll take some nuts! His butt's never wrong!
Incidental 47: [gets in line] I want some!
Incidental 180: [gets in line] Me too!
Incidental 37A: [comes out of Incidental 180's pants] Ooh, nuts!
[Order papers flood into the Krusty Krab's kitchen through the window. Sandy takes out her tongs and SpongeBob slides up to the grill with his spatula.]
Sandy: Whooo, doggie! Now we're cookin'! Yeah!
[They clink their utensils and each begin cooking. SpongeBob flips patties into the air and watches them land. Sandy kicks her grill and watches the acorns land. SpongeBob squeezes ketchup onto some open buns. Sandy uses her tail to spray barbecue sauce on the acorns. SpongeBob rings the bell. He and Sandy present dishes to a bored-looking Squidward. Incidentals 106 and 110 are seen eating the acorns. They burp into each other's faces and then high five. A mother fish gives Incidental 102BABY an acorn to suck on, and he burps fire in her face. Sandy and SpongeBob dance around in circles. Sandy piles on loads of acorns at the order window and rings the bell multiple times, while SpongeBob only has one plate with a Krabby Patty. SpongeBob watches in surprise as Sandy dumps an entire bag of acorns onto her grill. Customers cheer as Bubble Bass swallows an entire plate of acorns. His eyes turn red and fire blows out of the Krusty Krab's chimney, burning Bikini Atoll. Cut back to the Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs comes into the kitchen, wearing a cowboy hat and pushing something under a tarp.]
Mr. Krabs: The demand for nuts is up! So we're increasing supply! [pulls off the tarp to reveal a bunch of barbecues, then places them around Sandy and SpongeBob] Make way, boy-o!
SpongeBob: Uh... Gee, Mr. Krabs, I think you might be overwhelming poor Sandy.
[Sandy takes out another pair of tongs, kicks a barbecue, and they all light on fire. Mr. Krabs unspools a long paper.]
Mr. Krabs: This here's the barbecue lunch rush! [reads tiny slip and hands it to SpongeBob] And, uh, here, somebody wants a Krabby Patty, I guess. [loudly] Now giddyup! [leaves kitchen]
[SpongeBob tries to reach over an ignited barbecue to reach the grill. A light comes on around Sandy. She uses her tongs to drum on all the barbecues. SpongeBob is trying to squirt ketchup on a Krabby Patty. He avoids acorns ricocheting around the room. Sandy has a cart full of plates of acorns.]
Sandy: Phew! All the orders are up!
SpongeBob: [holds out Krabby Patty] Yep. All of 'em.
Sandy: [takes it] Ooh! That one's mine.
[She uses the Krabby Patty to prop up a leg of a barbecue.]
Sandy: [adjusts barbecue] Perfect! No more wobble!
[SpongeBob looks sad, and his spatula droops.]
SpongeBob: [sadly] Patties...
[Bubble transition to the next day. Incidentals 41 and 115 walk into a newly Western-themed Krusty Krab. Incidental 107 is playing piano near the entrance.]
Incidental 41: Don't you love the new look?
Incidental 115: [frustrated] I'm just here for the nuts.
[Incidental 73's eyes are propelled upwards by fire, then go back into his head. Mr. Krabs hangs a new menu, which reads "Kowboy Krab's Nut Shack." The menu items are nuts for $5.00 and, in smaller font, Krabby Patties for $1.25.]
Squidward: "Kowboy Krab's Nut Shack"? [scoffs] It's full of nuts, alright. Heh.
[Smoke comes out the order window, and it dissolves to show the kitchen full of barbecues, with Sandy cooking acorns on each. SpongeBob stands by the grill and coughs.]
Sandy: SpongeBob! Hand me them tongs over there, will ya? I'm busier than a six-legged horse in tap shoes!
[SpongeBob sees a lot of barbecues in his way to the tongs. He crawls under them and weakly grabs it. He brings them to Sandy.]
Sandy: Ooh! Thanks, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: [eyes watering] Must... breathe... [sputtering]
[A fist-shaped smoke cloud punches him out through the back door. He inhales deeply. The smoke fist waves goodbye. SpongeBob tries to open the door, but is unable to.]
SpongeBob: [sadly] Ohhh!
[Sandy continues cooking. Mr. Krabs comes in with two full bags.]
Mr. Krabs: Thar's gold in them there nuts!
Sandy: What's in the bags, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: [raises one bag] Oh, this here's the next round of barbecue nut orders!
Sandy: [wipes helmet] Ooh! Well, scratch my back and call me a cactus! [points] And what about that one?
Mr. Krabs: [raises other bag] Oh, this one? This one's full of useless Krabby Patties. Nobody really wants 'em, so they're garbage.
[Mr. Krabs exits to find SpongeBob sitting on crates and roasting empty Krabby Patty buns over a burning trash can. Sandy looks in, concerned.]
Sandy: Oh, my! SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: [weakly; a foghorn is heard in the background] Hi, Sandy. Just toasting my buns. [small laugh]
Mr. Krabs: Move over, lad! You're blocking me trash!
[He throws the bag into the trash can. A Krabby Patty spills out. SpongeBob gasps. Mr. Krabs dusts his claws and heads back into the kitchen]
Mr. Krabs: Money, money, money, money, nuts, nuts, nuts!
[SpongeBob stands inside the trash can and lowers himself in.]
Sandy: [concerned] Uh, SpongeBob? Are you gonna be okay?
[SpongeBob mutters sadly from inside the trash. Krabs calls out to Sandy.]
Mr. Krabs: Back to work! That money won't barbecue itself!
[Sandy looks frustrated. Bubble transition. In his office, Mr. Krabs is surrounded by smoking piles of money.]
Mr. Krabs: Ah, I love the smell of money! [sniffs] A little smokier than usual. [smells] Oh, yeah...
[Customers are heard complaining outside. Mr. Krabs exits.]
Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward! What's the hold-up?
Squidward: Why don't you ask [points] your pit master? She stopped barbecuing nuts.
Mr. Krabs: She what?
[Sandy dumps acorns into a garbage disposal. Mr. Krabs runs in to see the barbecues all piled up and overturned. Sandy is surprised at his entrance.]
Mr. Krabs: Land dweller! What's the meaning of this?
Sandy: [staged] Ohhhh! I'm plumb out of nuts!
Mr. Krabs: You're plumb out of what!?
Sandy: [lowers his hat] Sorry, Kowboy Krabs. Looks like you have to find another way to make your dough!
[Mr. Krabs' hat lights on fire. Sandy puts her employee hat on Squidward and exits the restaurant.]
Sandy: So long, folks! The nut tree's done run dry!
[The customers get angry and gang up on Mr. Krabs.]
Mr. Krabs: [sheepishly] Uh, howdy, y'all!
Incidental 185: I don't reckon we can get no Sandy's smokin' barbecue nuts without no Sandy, can we?
Mr. Krabs: Ummm... no.
Incidental 185: Riot!
[The customers raise their fists and riot. Incidental 185 rips up a table and throws it, which hits Squidward, who is heard shouting. A group of customers, including Bubble Bass, rip the menu off. Incidental 41 bites into a table, chews it, and realizes something.]
Incidental 41: Huh? [calling out] Hey, everybody! This table's got that smoky Texas tang!
Bubble Bass: [rips up floorboard, eats it, and burps fire] Fascinating! The smoke from Sandy's nuts has flavored everything in this restaurant!
Incidental 185: [ringing bell] Chow time!
[Customers run around the restaurant and eat everything.]
Mr. Krabs: No! Stop it! No! Me restaurant! No!
[The customers devour the entire restaurant, leaving only SpongeBob and the dumpster behind. The smell of the cooking Krabby Patty catches the customers' attention.]
Incidental 41: Say, that smells delicious!
SpongeBob: Oh, this? Oh, it's just a useless old Krabby Patty.
Bubble Bass: A snack without splinters? How novel! Perhaps we could partake in your patties?
[A line forms behind SpongeBob.]
Customers: Oh, hey, I want some of those!
[SpongeBob cheers up, and grabs his spatula and some patties. He flips a lid over the trash can and grills patties on it.]
SpongeBob: Orders up!
Mr. Krabs: [throws away cowboy hat] Good news! Trashy Patties are now double the price!
Customers: [complaining] Aww, come on!
[Sandy lassos Mr. Krabs.]
Sandy: Not so fast! I reckon these patties are on the house! [winks] Right, SpongeBob?
[SpongeBob and the customers cheer "Yee-haw!"]
Mr. Krabs: I guess we all went a little nuts today. [burps fire] Ah, still a nice aftertaste!
[Mr. Krabs stares at the viewers as the episode irises out on him.]