Ride Patrick Ride/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Ride Patrick Ride" from season 13, which aired on June 19, 2023.

[The episode begins with SpongeBob riding a bicycle to Patrick's house.]
SpongeBob: Good morning, Patrick! [rings bicycle bell]
Patrick: [lifting up rock, jumping off of it] Good morning, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: [pointing right] Wanna go for a bike ride through Jellyfish Fields?
Patrick: You bet your square pants I do! [gets on an invisible bike and bicycles around his house] Oh, I love bike riding. [giggles, then stops and falls down] I forgot I don't have a bike.
SpongeBob: No problem, I have a spare.
[Cut to SpongeBob opening up his garage to reveal all of his junk.]
SpongeBob: Hmm. [a basketball bounces out] Uh oh. Hold on, it'll just take me a minute to find it. Hoo! [dives into the junk pile, tosses out multiple items] Sorry, Patrick, I just can't seem to--
[SpongeBob is interrupted by Gary riding a bike.]
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: --find it.
[Gary pedals around Patrick, making him laugh. Gary slithers off and Patrick holds onto it.]
Patrick: Check out this sweet ride!
SpongeBob: [taking off Gary's helmet, patting him] Thanks, Gare-bear.
Gary: [slithering away] Meow.
[SpongeBob puts Gary's small helmet onto Patrick and tightens it. Patrick's cheeks turn blue and the top of the helmet breaks off.]
Patrick: Come on, SpongeBob, follow me! [rides the bike, and instantly bumps into SpongeBob, sending him backwards into the sand] Oh yeah, I don't know how to ride a bike. [comes back sobbing, SpongeBob holds an umbrella to block tears] I guess I can't go bike riding with you, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Oh, don't you worry your [taps Patrick's head] pretty pink pointy head. [closes umbrella, tossing it] I can teach you how to be an expert bicyclist.
Patrick: Oh, nice! I'm gonna be an icicle mist!
SpongeBob: Lesson one, how to properly sit on a bike. [pulling head forwards] Face forward, [tilts to his side with arms parallel] arms parallel but loose, [places long feet on ground] both feet placed firmly on the sand.
Patrick: Uh, okay, then. Uh, here I go. [hops onto bike but misses]
SpongeBob: Turn around. [Patrick tries to get on again and again] Other side. Up. Okay, uh, not quite. Okay uh, not in there.
Patrick: [rotating bike on mouth via one of the pedals] How's this?
SpongeBob: Um, maybe we need a more [jazzes hands] hands-on approach. [puts Patrick's hands on handlebars] Handlebars grasped firmly. [places Patrick's bottom on seat] Tushie planted. [places Patrick's feet on pedals] Feet stable, and, ta-da.
Patrick: [laughs] I did it! [falls over on bike]
SpongeBob: [placing Patrick back up] Don't worry, you just need to get the hang of it.
Patrick: [looks down, falls on his side]
SpongeBob: [picking Patrick up again] Yeah, almost got it.
Patrick: [getting launched into the air, screaming]
SpongeBob: [runs to Patrick, comes back with Patrick injured] Nearly there. [pushes Patrick back on] Close. [Patrick sinks into the ground, lands on SpongeBob from above] You know, Patrick, I think you have gravity trouble.
Patrick: [floating above] I don't know what you're talking about.
SpongeBob: [tying balloons to Patrick] Uh-huh. Those should keep you upright. [balloons fly up and rip Patrick's shorts off, and Patrick falls onto him] Maybe some training wheels. [cut to him putting training wheels on Patrick's bike]
Patrick: [laughing, getting on bike]
SpongeBob: [makes "ok" hand gesture] That'll make you a bit more stable.
Patrick: Pfft, that's what my psychiatrist says. [falls over, SpongeBob moves out of the way]
SpongeBob: [puts Patrick back up, uses wrench to add extra training wheel]
Patrick: Ooh, ahh! [flips over]
SpongeBob: [puts several more training wheels onto Patrick's bike, which manages to flip upside down and start riding backwards] Ah. [gives thumbs up, crashing is heard]
Patrick: [in between several wheels] Ow! [slumps on ground]
SpongeBob: Hmm. Time to check under the hood. [opens Patrick's head to see a dancing brain, which lands in his hand] Just as I thought. Your brain's a bit unbalanced. [places brain back into Patrick's head with a baby walker]
Patrick's brain: Ooh, ooh. [cheering] Whoo-hoo!
SpongeBob: [closes Patrick's head and puts his helmet back on] Now give it a try.
Patrick: [successfully gets on bike and cheers]
SpongeBob: [singy-songy] I think someone's ready to pedal!
Patrick: I think so, too! [laughs] Who?
SpongeBob: That's it! [holding onto Patrick as he pedals] Now pedal nice and easy.
Patrick: [laughs] Now, don't you let go!
SpongeBob: Don't worry, buddy. I won't take my hands off this bike. I promise.
Patrick: I'm doing it! [laughs, notices SpongeBob's stray hands holding onto his bike] Huh?
SpongeBob: [without arms] I didn't let go!
Patrick: [screams, runs into SpongeBob's garage]
[Bubble transition to the front of SpongeBob's house, where SpongeBob is pulling something out of a bag.]
SpongeBob: [pulling out a Krabby Patty] You need something to help you focus.
Patrick: [with telescopes for eyes] Way ahead of ya. Hmm. [notices patty, telescopes fall off] Ooh, hello. [SpongeBob has the patty on a string on his bike, and he pedals away, Patrick following him]
SpongeBob: [Patrick tries to eat the patty] Yeah! It's working, Patrick! You're doing great!
Patrick: [successfully eats the patty and looks around] Huh? [screams, falling over]
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob and Patrick riding a tandem bike.]
SpongeBob: For now, just observe me. Take a closer look and see how it's done. [struggles to pedal forward, Patrick giggles, then successfully pedals forward] Watch my feet and [points to feet] do what I do.
Patrick: [looks at SpongeBob's feet pedaling] Ooh. [pedals himself, giggling]
SpongeBob: That's it, now you're gettin' it. Now pedal just a little bit faster.
Patrick: Uh, faster? [pedals way faster, making them both scream]
SpongeBob: Oh, a little too fast there, Patrick! Just relax.
Patrick: [yelling] I'm relaxed! [screaming, bike quickly pedals forward]
[Mr. Krabs and Mrs. Puff are also pedaling on a tandem bike.]
Mr. Krabs: Ah, I'm so happy we have some time to ourselves, Puffykins.
Mrs. Puff: Without any interruptions from-- [hears SpongeBob and Patrick screaming]
SpongeBob: Look out!
Mrs. Puff: [screaming] Sponge!
Mr. Krabs: [screaming] Bob!
[Mrs. Puff and Mr. Krabs try pedaling away faster, but crash, merging into SpongeBob and Patrick's bike.]
Mr. Krabs: What in the name of all that's salty are you two dipsy doodles--?
SpongeBob (interrupts Mr. Krabs).: Squidward.
Mr. Krabs: What?
SpongeBob: [pointing, shouting] Squidward!
Squidward: [pedaling on recumbent bike] La-da-dee, la-da-dum-- [sees the merged bikes coming towards him and screams as they crash into his] [groaning as his bike has merged with the others, sighs] Of course.
Mrs. Puff: [trying to maintain balance] No!
Mr. Krabs: Whoa!
[Everyone continues screaming, and ride into Jellyfish Fields, where octopus children are riding their small bikes, while their mother is reading a book. One of the children points behind them, and the mother notices, just before the bikes crash into them, and they are merged with them as well.]
Patrick: [screams]
Mrs. Puff: [groans]
SpongeBob: Hi, Mrs. Puff.
Mrs. Puff: Hello, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: You know, I'm having a little trouble trying to teach Patrick how to ride a bicycle. Have you ever had trouble teaching a student, Mrs. Puff?
Mrs. Puff: [groans] Some people are just unteachable.
[Patrick continues screaming as the bikes crash into a wall, causing an explosion. The octopus children leave, laughing. Mrs. Puff inflates, launching everyone back except SpongeBob and Patrick.]
SpongeBob: Unteachable? Unteach! That's it! [jumps off Mrs. Puff, drags Patrick along the ground] Thanks, Mrs. Puff!
Mrs. Puff: [Mr. Krabs rides up on a piece of the tandem bike both he and Mrs. Puff were riding on that is now a unicycle] We're having our next date at home. [Mr. Krabs falls over]
[Bubble transition back to SpongeBob's house.]
SpongeBob: You know what your problem is, Patrick? [poking at Patrick's head] Your brain is just too full of unimportant knowledge.
Patrick: Yeah, it is pretty jam-packed. Or, is it packed with jam? [gets out a piece of toast and uses his head to squirt jam onto it, and eats it]
SpongeBob: We need to make some room in your head for bike riding. Let's see... [snaps fingers] Do you remember how to brush your teeth?
Patrick: Of course! [holds comb] I even know how to comb my teeth. [combs his front tooth, scraping it]
[SpongeBob pulls on Patrick's tongue, and his eyes turn into an image of a toothbrush and toothpaste. SpongeBob uses an eraser in Patrick's head to erase the images, and therefore his memories of how to brush his teeth.]
SpongeBob: Well, now you don't.
Patrick: Whoo-hoo!
[SpongeBob grabs Patrick's tongue again, and his display turns into an image of him watching TV.]
SpongeBob: How to watch TV? [erases memory] Nah, not important. [pulls Patrick's tongue again, displaying Patrick in a realistic pair of pants] Put on your pants? [erases memory] Overrated. [pulls Patrick's tongue again, displaying his family from The Patrick Star Show] Family? [erases memory] Eh, unnecessary.
French Narrator: [narrating time card] Many memories later...
[Patrick is drooling, his eyes now TV static.]
SpongeBob: Patrick, what is your name?
Patrick: Who... is... I?
SpongeBob: [excited] Ooh, I think someone's finally ready to ride a bicycle!
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob on an exercise bike, pedaling. Patrick is observing. SpongeBob shows him how the pedals work, but SpongeBob gets stuck in them. SpongeBob shows Patrick how to pump the bike tires, and Patrick puts the pump to his own head and starts inflating himself. Patrick explodes into a bunch of jam. He shows up on-screen, and bicycles appear in his eyes. Fade to Patrick next to a bike with SpongeBob.]
SpongeBob: Alright, Patrick, you're ready. [Patrick gets on the bike] There's just one more thing to remember. Have fun. [the letters for the word "FUN" come out of his mouth and enter Patrick's mind, pushing out the bikes in it]
Patrick: [violently shakes head] I have no knowledge of bike riding. [starts riding backwards]
SpongeBob: Huh? Patrick, get off that bike before it's too late!
Patrick: [pedaling down past a sign that says "DEAD MAN'S HILL"] Don't worry, SpongeBob. It's just Bread Man's Hill. [crow on top of sign caws]
SpongeBob: That's not Bread Man's Hill, that's [pointing, eyes turn to skulls] Dead Man's Hill!
Patrick: [stammers] Is that worse? It sounds worse. [looks down] It is worse! [starts pedaling quickly downhill] Whoa! [dodges a coral tree] Whoa! [dodges another biker] Whoa! [goes under a cavern monster] Wow! [a gray pirate ship passes by with a skeleton pirate] SpongeBob, I'm doing it! [laughs] I'm bicycling! [stops his bike at Alive Man's Flat, where SpongeBob, Squidward, Mr. Krabs, and Mrs. Puff are]
SpongeBob, Squidward, Mr. Krabs, and Mrs. Puff: [cheering for Patrick]
[Bubble transition to Patrick riding his bike on a tightrope between two buildings. Citizens are taking pictures of him, and cheering. Patrick falls down near a burning building, where a firefighter is spraying water at. Patrick breaks through the building, and a father gets his child back. Cut to Patrick racing with seahorse riders on a track, and a photo of him finishing first is taken. He also has a fake nose. Cut to the First Nautical Bank, where an alarm goes off. A bank robber takes a bag of money, and Patrick uses his bike to run into the bag and tread onto the robber. The bag falls on top of the robber as Patrick pedals away. Bubble transition to the city hall, where Patrick is on his bike next to the mayor, who has a key.]
Mayor: In honor of becoming the greatest bicyclist who has ever lived, I present you the key to the Bikini Bottom. [Patrick takes the key, gives him the lock as well] Oh, and the lock!
Everyone: [balloons and confetti appear as Patrick grins] [chanting] Patrick! Patrick! Patrick! Patrick! Patrick!
[The scene changes to Patrick's first person view, where he begins opening his eyes to SpongeBob looking at him.]
SpongeBob: Patrick! [Patrick is shown to be in a full-body cast at the hospital] Oh, thank Neptune you're okay.
Patrick: Of course I'm okay. I'm an expert bicyclist now.
SpongeBob: Patrick, you crashed all the way down Dead Man's Hill.
Patrick: Hmm...
[Cutaway to what really happened, which was that Patrick crashed all the way down the hill.]
SpongeBob: You've been in a coma for six weeks!
Patrick: [eyes turn to stars] Oh! A new personal best.
SpongeBob: Sorry I couldn't teach you how to ride a bike, Patrick.
Patrick: Who needs a dumb bike? [hops out of bed to reveal he is now a bike] I am a bike! Hop on, buddy! Let's roll! [SpongeBob hops onto him and rides out of the hospital, both laughing] Whee!
[The duo ride past the doctor, Squidward, who is on crutches, knocking him over, getting his casted leg caught on the door. They then ride past the octopus family and their nurse.]
SpongeBob: Look out! [the octopus children cheer, while the mother is furious]
[The duo escape from the hospital at dusk, and they ride off into the sunset.]
SpongeBob: Whoo! [both crash, leaving behind an explosion] Uh, I don't know how to ride a Patrick. [camera irises out onto the explosion as the episode ends]