Squidferatu/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Squidferatu" from season 13, which aired on October 14, 2022.

[The episode opens with some sea urchins playing in Squidward's flower garden. One of them bites into a flower, and begins slurping it with another urchin. Then, a shadowy figure looms over the urchins, making them all scream as a green cloud covers them. The figure is revealed to just be Squidward using pest spray while wearing a gas mask. The urchins all cough and move away from the flower bed.]
Squidward: [pulls up mask] Biting my begonias, eh? Not on my watch! [laughs]
Mailman: [yelling in Squidward's face] Mailman!
Squidward: [spraying mailman] Wha--?
Mailman: [eyes shrivel, screams as he hands an envelope to Squidward and walks away]
Squidward: Oh, a letter. Uh, thank you! [reading envelope, woman screams] Nosferatu? [lightning crashes] Huh? What? [sighs] I got his mail by mistake again! [grumbles and approaches trash cans] I'll just file that in here. [opens trash can lid and shoves letter into SpongeBob's mouth, chuckles and walks off before realizing] Huh? [opens trash can lid again]
SpongeBob: [cheering through muffled speech]
Squidward: SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: [muffled speech]
Squidward: [pulls letter out of SpongeBob's mouth] What are you doing in my garbage?
[SpongeBob bends Squidward's nose and puts a bucket on it. He stands on Squidward with a mop.]
SpongeBob: [singing] ♪ Spring cleaning! ♪ But, Squidward, [takes letter] for shame. [tosses mop] You can't just throw out the mail of Nosferatu. [lightning crashes]
Squidward: Huh?
SpongeBob: You have to deliver it yourself. [gasps] Otherwise, it'd be a federal crime! And I'll be [prison bars drop] an accessory! [hyperventilating]
Squidward: [pulls SpongeBob off of him and holds him] All right, already! [sets SpongeBob down] I'll take it to him.
SpongeBob: [jumps] Hooray!
Squidward: [shoves letter to SpongeBob] But you are carrying the mail. [goes inside his house]
SpongeBob: Ha! [twirls letter on his finger] One little letter? No problemo.
Squidward: [opening door to his closet] Hold on. There's more.
SpongeBob: [mail lands on ground] Ooh!
Squidward: Here's the rest of it. [uses mop to pull back rest of mail] I have been getting that creepy guy's mail by mistake for years!
SpongeBob: [emerges reading something, gasps] Squidward, look! [holding up magazines] "Bleeder's Digest." "Bat Fancy." [holds up locked crate with shoe] "Blood of the Month Club." [blood squelches]
Squidward: Eh.
SpongeBob: [emerges behind Squidward] Squidward, do you know what this means?
Squidward: [pushes SpongeBob backwards] No.
SpongeBob: It means somebody is going to be very happy to get all their mail, somebody named... [staring, eyes speak] Nosferatu. [lightning crashes]
Squidward: Ah! Huh? What? What was that? Stop looking at me.
[Bubble transition to a different location, which has a sepia tone to it. The camera zooms in on Nosferatu's castle before quickly zooming out to SpongeBob and Squidward carrying a bag of mail.]
Squidward: [whistling, wolf howls]
[A lady shuts her window as they walk by.]
Squidward: [reading map] Well, this is the address. [gets smushed by mail bag and gets stuck in it, grunts]
SpongeBob: [eyes reflect Nosferatu's castle as he looks at it] Ooh! That castle is so high! [mail bag gets put in his mouth, to which he eats it and pops it out to start carrying it again]
Squidward: [continues walking while whistling]
[An inkeeper runs into Squidward, panicked.]
Innkeeper: [grabbing onto Squidward] Please, I beg you, [points to Nosferatu's castle] do not go to the castle! The master is a vampire! He means to suck your blood! [sobs on ground]
Squidward: What are you talking about?
Innkeeper: Nosferatu! [lightning crashes]
Squidward: Mm-hmm.
SpongeBob: [laughs]
Squidward: Right. [walks past innkeeper] I'm sorry. I don't have any spare change.
Innkeeper: [stopping in front of them] Don't go to the castle! Don't go to the castle! Don't go-- [gets run over by a skeleton horse pulling a carriage]
Creepy coachman: [pats carriage, opening stairs which crush the inkeeper]
Squidward: Ah! Well, a coach to the castle. How elegant. [walks forward, then SpongeBob follows] Step lively, SpongeBob.
[Squidward enters the carriage, and SpongeBob puts the mail bag in the back. SpongeBob enters as well, and the steps are lifted. SpongeBob looks at the innkeeper.]
Innkeeper: [lifting head up, injured] The castle!
SpongeBob: Aw. [holds Krabby Patty] Looks like someone could use a Krabby Patty. [feeds innkeeper patty, moving his mouth to chew it]
Innkeeper: [weakly gives thumbs up]
[The carriage moves onward to Nosferatu's castle. SpongeBob and Squidward move from side to side in the carriage, bumping into the walls, as it moves across the sharp corners. They then go around some curves, making SpongeBob and Squidward move in the carriage again.]
SpongeBob: [spinning in air] Whoo! Whoo!
[SpongeBob and Squidward's body parts move all over the place in the carriage like pinballs as it continues moving forward. They finally arrive at the castle, and Squidward falls out of the carriage in pieces.]
Squidward: [standing up] We're taking the bus on the way home! [inhales and sucks his nose back in]
SpongeBob: [tosses the mail bag directly onto Squidward, which floats in place]
Squidward: Huh? Hmm.
[SpongeBob gets off the carriage, and the creepy coachman hisses at them as he leaves. The carriage turns into a bat and flies away. The mail bag crushes SpongeBob and Squidward, to which Squidward gets out from it and knocks on the door with the door decoration.]
Squidward: Hello, Nosferatu? [lightning crashes, looks around] Hmm. [walks away] Well, looks like nobody's home. [door opens] Of course.
[Squidward peeks inside to reveal the interior of Nosferatu's castle, which causes some jellyfish bats to fly away.]
Squidward: Hello? [hesitantly walks inside] We're just here to drop off your mail.
SpongeBob: [almost falling on Squidward] Whoa! [Squidward shoves him]
Squidward: [lightning crashes, causing him to scream and grab onto the mail bag] What's happening?
Nosferatu: [repeatedly flickering light switch, snickering]
SpongeBob: Aw! It's just Nosferatu! [lightning crashes]
Squidward: [gets off, wipes sweat off forehead] Whew!
Nosferatu: [flies over to them, hisses]
Squidward: [screams]
[Slappy slithers down from Nosferatu.]
Slappy: [bowing] The master bids you welcome, and he thanks you for dropping off his mail. [chuckles]
Squidward: Oh.
[Nosferatu rips open the mail bag SpongeBob is holding, revealing the bloody crate, which he picks up and swallows. He rubs his belly, burps, and gets red with embarrassment.]
Slappy: [laughs]
SpongeBob: [laughs]
Slappy: [laughs]
SpongeBob: [laughs, flips head while moving feet]
[SpongeBob and Slappy continue laughing and making ridiculous faces, with the former morphing into a "HA-HA" shape. Squidward and Nosferatu look at each other and facepalm.]
Squidward: Knock it off!
Nosferatu: [hisses]
Slappy: I am sorry master. [kisses Nosferatu's hand] It won't happen again. [continues kissing Nosferatu's hand]
Squidward: [disgusted] Ew. We'll let ourselves out.
SpongeBob: [being dragged by Squidward, still with rearranged body parts] Aw, I don't want to leave. Boo!
Squidwward: [lightning crashes] Ah!
Slappy: [closing door with face] Oh, you can't leave due to inclement weather.
SpongeBob: We can't leave yet. Yay!
Squidward: [Nosferatu appears behind him] Gulp.
Slappy: [slithering off Nosferatu] The Master has invited you to stay for the night, but first, he would like to have you both for dinner. [laughs]
SpongeBob: [laughs]
[Squidward slaps SpongeBob, spinning him around. Nosferatu hits Slappy on the head.]
Squidward: Well, uh, under the circumstances, I wouldn't mind some fine Transylvanian cuisine for a change.
SpongeBob: [turning into cash register] Change? I can make change. [laughs]
Squidward: [shoves SpongeBob away] Get away from me. [SpongeBob shoots a coin at his face]
Nosferatu: [gesturing and floating away] Come, come.
Squidward: [following] Oh, oh.
SpongeBob: [bounces whilst leaving change behind, laughing]
[Slappy's head comes out of the armored statue, and falls to the ground as the statue breaks into pieces. He then slithers up to the front entrance of the castle and pulls a string to turn off a storm cloud. He laughs as he pats the storm cloud and falls off. Cut to SpongeBob and Squidward seated at a long dinner table in another room. Nosferatu is sitting at the other end, reading a Bat Fancy magazine.]
Squidward: [looking at table] Wow! [puts napkin on neck] What a spread. I don't know what to try first.
Slappy: [pops out of platter] Oh, I can help you decide. [laughs, opening platters] We have roasted werewolf teeth, pickled demon beards, fried mummy fingers, and [head opens to reveal his brain] brains tartare.
Squidward: [gags and throws up off-screen]
SpongeBob: Ooh, don't mind if I do-- [reaches for Slappy's head as it closes] oh. [laughs]
Slappy: Or, maybe you would like something sinfully succulent. [opens platter to reveal a Carpathian cheese ball]
Squidward: Ooh, a Carpathian cheese ball. [tries to dip cookie into the cheese ball, which turns into several spiders]
Slappy: Uh, eh. Whoopsie! That's my dinner. [holds eating utensils, runs after spiders off-screen] Come to daddy!
SpongeBob: Ooh.
Squidward: [breaks cookie, winces]
SpongeBob: [waving mummy finger] Oh, you've got to try these mummy fingers, Squidward. [takes bite out of mummy finger] So delicious. Nosferatu, you simply must give me the recipe.
Squidward: Hm. [looks down at mummy finger, woman screams] Well, maybe if I [holds finger] put some ketchup on it.
SpongeBob: [munching on fingers] Ketchup? [holds finger] Good thing I came prepared. [wearing cowboy outfit, wielding two ketchup bottles] Ketching up! [squirts ketchup onto Squidward's mummy finger, who winces]
Squidward: Hmm. Ah.
SpongeBob: [laughs, then slips and squirts ketchup onto Squidward's face]
Squidward: [sighs]
[Nosferatu leaves the table and approaches Squidward to lick off the ketchup from his face. Squidward feels his face as Nosferatu gags on the ketchup.]
SpongeBob: [holding ketchup] Nosferatu, ketchup? [slipping, squirting ketchup onto Nosferatu] Whoa!
Squidward: [sighs]
Slappy: [laughs as he chases after spiders on the table]
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob and Squidward rucked into a bed in a bedroom.]
Nosferatu: [hisses]
Slappy: [holding candle] The Master says, "Sleep tight and don't let the vampire bats bite." [laughs]
[SpongeBob and Slappy start laughing. They eventually swap faces as they continue laughing.]
Nosferatu: [hisses]
Slappy: The master bids you good night. [laughs softly]
SpongeBob: [waving] Good night, Nosferatu!
[The lights in the room repeatedly flicker as Nosferatu and Slappy get close to SpongeBob and Squidward. They then briefly appear in bed between SpongeBob and Squidward before disappearing, and the door closes.]
Squidward: This place gives me the creeps. But, so what? It's only one night. Right, SpongeB--
SpongeBob: [snoring]
Squidward: [turns lamp off, then SpongeBob gets up] Huh?
SpongeBob: Whoops! Forgot to brush my teeth. [opens door and leaves]
[Nosferatu appears from the painting above Squidward and hisses at him. He disappears and the painting is put back in place as SpongeBob gets back into bed.]
SpongeBob: [snores, but gets back up] Whoops! Forgot to floss. [leaves]
Squidward: Huh? [continues sleeping, Nosferatu appears again behind the painting]
[Nosferatu disappears again as SpongeBob gets back into bed.]
SpongeBob: [snores, but gets back up again] Ooh! [rubbing head] Forgot to wash my head. [leaves]
Squidward: Huh? [goes back to sleep]
[Nosferatu appears again, and disappears again as SpongeBob gets back into bed.]
SpongeBob: [gets up again] Whoops! Forgot to polish my eyes.
Squidward: Huh?
[Nosferatu pops out of the painting again, and pops back in as SpongeBob gets back in bed. Squidward turns on the lamp.]
Squidward: [yelling] Will you go night night time already?
SpongeBob: [noticing Nosferatu] Nosferatu? [lights flicker]
Squidward: Why are you sticking out of the wall like that?
[SpongeBob and Squidward run out of the room, and Nosferatu bites into a pillow, then spits it out.]
Squidward: [running with SpongeBob] I can't believe Nosferatu tried to bite me! He's a real-life v-v-v-v-v-vampire!
SpongeBob: He's gonna suck our blood! [sobs]
Squidward: There's got to be a way out of this castle!
Slappy: [slithering in front of them] I can show you a way out. [laughs while holding battle ax]
[SpongeBob and Squidward wear gas masks as Squidward shoots sleepy gas onto Slappy.]
Slappy: [suddenly tired] Slappy sleepy. [falls to ground]
Squidward: [tosses gas equipment] Let's try these doors. [opens door to reveal scary monsters on the other side]
SpongeBob and Squidward: [scream and run away]
[Squidward opens another door to reveal a skull with flaming eyes. They both scream. Squidward opens another door to reveal some live-action sushi and both scream. They begin running on a conveyor belt and look behind them to see a mutant gorilla running after them.]
SpongeBob and Squidward: Gorilla monster! [scream]
Squidward: Quick, [points] down the laundry chute!
[They both dive into the laundry chute. The gorilla falls on its face and crashes off-screen.]
SpongeBob: [he and Squidward slide down a slide] Whoa! [both end up in a laundry basket wearing vampire outfits, and scream at each other]
Squidward: [pointing to coffin] It's a vampire's coffin! [holds onto SpongeBob and whimpers]
[Five coffins rise from underneath the sand and start dancing around SpongeBob and Squidward. The coffins spin around and vampire fish come out of them.]
Vampire fish: Nosferatu two-step! [close their coffins and enter the sand again]
SpongeBob: [clapping] Yay! [gets slapped by Squidward] Ow.
Squidward: [grabs onto SpongeBob] Snap out of it, SpongeBob! [grabs own neck] What if he bites our necks... [gasps] Or my [grabs nose] nose?
SpongeBob: Oh! I know what to do. [uses own fingers as fangs] In those vampire movies, they always make wooden stakes.
Squidward: [gasps] That's a great idea! Here!
[Squidward gives SpongeBob and himself each a log as they both use knives to cut wood. They make wooden steaks. A cow is heard mooing.]
SpongeBob: Will these even work without steak sauce? [both hold onto each other]
[Slappy's head rolls down the stairs. SpongeBob and Squidward scream.]
Slappy: You shouldn't disturb the master's laundry tomb. He would be very cranky if [his body walks up to him, and he puts himself back together] he found you here, [SpongeBob and Squidward whimper] and you never know where he might be.
Squidward: He's right behind us, isn't he?
SpongeBob: [using mirror] Hmm? Nope. Nobody there. We're fine.
Nosferatu: [in coffin next to them, hisses]
SpongeBob and Squidward: [scream]
Squidward: Please don't eat us!
Slappy: Oh, the master is not hungry. He just had a big lunch. He wanted to return your mail.
Squidward: Oh. Well, how thoughtful of you. Uh, [grabs package] thanks.
SpongeBob: Ooh! Open it, Squidward! What'd you get?
Squidward: [opens package to reveal garlic] Oh, yes! It's my Garlic of the Month Club! [Noseferatu winces] Wait. Uh-oh.
Nosferatu: [pretends to gag, smiles]
Slappy: The master is just joshing with you. He loves garlic. [laughs, then everyone else laughs]
[The lights begin flickering.]
Squidward: Huh?
Nosferatu: [shrugs]
Squidward: Well, if you're not flicking the lights on and off, then who is?
[All four of them huddle around each other as the lights continue flickering. It is revealed that the Phantom of the Opera is flicking the light switch.]
SpongeBob, Squidward, and Slappy: Phantom of the Opera!
Phantom of the Opera: [laughs, then everyone else follows]
[The camera irises out on Slappy's head, which bounces and rolls off the screen as the episode ends.]