Salty Sponge/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Salty Sponge" from season 13, which aired on January 27, 2023.

[The episode starts with SpongeBob exiting his house, ready to go to the Krusty Krab for work. He kisses Gary goodbye and goes to see the mailfish in front of his house, as they exchange happy looks at each other. Bubble transition to SpongeBob seeing a duck with three ducklings walking by. He stops to let them go forward, as the duck blushes, making SpongeBob wink at her. Bubble transition to SpongeBob throwing flowers around.]
SpongeBob: [singing] Soon I will get a thrill, cooking patties on my grill! [jumps to the Krusty Krab door, but is blocked by a huge sign in front it, which he reads out loud] "The Krusty Krab is closed on account of urchins"? Oh, I must be in a nightmare!
Mr. Krabs: [walks towards him, covered in urchins] It's no nightmare, SpongeBob. I'm closing the old girl up for a week to get rid of those prickly pests. [flicks urchin away, SpongeBob whimpers] Plus, I had a coupon for "Urchin-Be-Gone"!
SpongeBob: What will become of me? What am I gonna do for a [screams] whole week?!
Mr. Krabs: [squishes him down] Slow your roll, boy-o. I've rented you out to a different establishment for the week, [raises claw] so as not to disrupt me [pokes SpongeBob] incoming moneys.
SpongeBob: Oh boy! A temporary job sounds so adventurous! Is Squidward coming too?
Mr. Krabs: Nope. I got him a job in the entertainment industry.
SpongeBob: Whoa...
[Cut to Squidward working as a circus clown.]
Squidward: Still better than working with SpongeBob... [a sea elephant sits on him]
SpongeBob: Where will I be working, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: You'll be working right here, [zooms out to show the Salty Spitoon] at the Salty Spitoon! [spits, a starfish is launched out of the building and screams]
SpongeBob: [worried] No thanks! That place is too tough for me!
[A hammerhead shark walks by, growls at SpongeBob, and barks, scaring him.]
Mr. Krabs: You don't have to be tough to work here, you just gotta look tough! [he molds SpongeBob's face to make him look "tough"] There! Now you look like a tough guy.
SpongeBob: I don't feel tough, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Now when you go in there, go up to the biggest customer, [looks at SpongeBob with one eye open], look him squarely in the eye, [fight bell dings] and let him know exactly what you think of him.
SpongeBob: [face reverts to normal] No problem, Mr. K. I'm great at looking [all his facial features become square] squarely. [laughs]
Mr. Krabs: [quickly squishes his face back to looking tough] No funny business, boy-o! [pushes him inside]
[Pan of the Salty Spitoon, where everyone is seen fighting. SpongeBob nervously steps by, avoids some ice cubes, and bumps into a shark patron.]
SpongeBob: Huh? [makes his face tough and pokes him]
Shark patron: [growls]
SpongeBob: [tough] Grr, I'm gonna tell you exactly what I think of you! [kindly] You have got the most beautiful baby blue eyes.
Shark patron: Aw, thanks. I got 'em from me mother.
Whale patron: [butts heads with the shark patron] Blue eyes? Everybody knows my green eyes are the most beautiful.
Shark patron: [pushes back] Oh, yeah?
Whale patron: [pushes back] Yeah!
[They get into a fight. SpongeBob is swept up in the resulting dust cloud. An anglerfish grabs him out of it and takes his Krusty Krab employee hat off.]
Sally: You must be SpongeBob. Welcome to the Salty Spitoon! [spits] I'm the owner of this joint! That means you's work for me now! [throws hat away]
SpongeBob: My new boss! So nice to meet-- [Sally slams him on the ground and drags him away.]
[Sally takes SpongeBob into the kitchen and puts a stained apron on him.]
Sally: Here's the grill! [shows him a grill that shoots flames] Here's the spa-toola! [gives him a rusty trowel] Now make with the grub!
SpongeBob: [face shrinks] Um, just out of curiosity, what happened to your last fry cook?
Sally: That's our "Employee of the Month" wall! [points to a board with multiple pictures of gravestones]
SpongeBob: [gulps, woman screams]
Sally: Your photo's [zoom in on photo] gonna be next if you don't get to woik! [slams door, grill flames shoot]
SpongeBob: [nervously] Don't worry SpongeBob, it'll be just like working at the Krusty Krab. [In a thought bubble, SpongeBob wears an enlarged employee hat and repeatedly flips finished patties off the grill]
Dream SpongeBob: La la la la la!
Dream Squidward: Keep those patties coming, pal! I love you!
Sally: [breaks his thought bubble] Gimme a brick covered with nails with extra motor oil! [SpongeBob ends up making a bagel] Huh? What is this garbage? [throws it away] I asked for a [hits palm twice] brick covered with nails.
SpongeBob: Oh. I thought that was just diner lingo. Sorry! [makes the dish] Covered with nails, extra motor oil, Salty Spitoon style! [spits]
Sally: Hmm. Now that's a tough sandwich.
[She serves it to an octopus customer, who devours it quickly.]
Octopus customer: Ooh, the brick is so tender, and the nails are roasted!
[SpongeBob is in the kitchen, crossing his fingers. He smiles when the customers cheer. Sally throws a bunch of order papers on him.]
Sally: Got some more orders for you, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: [shakes them off] 72 bricks covered in motor oil coming right up! [cooks them and launches them at the customers, when someone comes to the door]
Mrs. Puff: [wearing a punk outfit] Whaddaya know? Whaddaya say, gang?
Customer: It's Puff the Tuff!
Doorman: P-P-P-P-Puff the Tuff!?
[Mrs. Puff headbutts him and walks through the smoke cloud. She puffs up to get rid of the customers at the counter, and sits on a stool. Sally watches from behind the counter.]
Mrs. Puff: Gimme a tall glass of broken glass in a dirty glass.
[Sally serves it. Mrs. Puff bites the glass and chews it. SpongeBob is heard laughing.]
Mrs. Puff: That laugh. No! It can't be him.
SpongeBob: [holds up bomb with barbecue sauce] Who ordered the bomb-becue? [laughs]
Mrs. Puff: [screams] SpongeBob! [runs away screaming, and squeezes through the door, as everyone watches]
Customers: [gasping]
SpongeBob: [confused] Was that Mrs. Puff?
Shark patron: Wait a second. Why is Puff the Tuff afraid of you?
SpongeBob: Oh, she probably didn't recognize me now that I'm a [makes cute face] tough guy. [looks down] Oh, my shoelace is untied. Safety first.
[He leans down and tilts the bomb-becue into the whale shark's face, exploding it and making him scream.]
Mo: That new little cook seems pretty tough. [bites into brick]
Sally: Oh, yeah? [close-up on her face] Let's see how tough he is. [close-up of her mouth] Let the trials of toughness begin! [zoom out to show an octopus sailor riding a mechanical bull] Mechanical Sea-bull!
[The mechanical bull bucks the octopus off and through the ceiling.]
SpongeBob: Aw, poor thing. You're probably tired of people riding you all the time. Take a break and ride me.
[SpongeBob climbs under the bull and rides around with it. He launches it out of the ceiling.]
SpongeBob: Oops!
[The starfish, octopus, and now the bull are outside the Salty Spitoon. The bull pumps its fist.]
Sally: Punching bag!
[A giant trevally punches bricks of concrete. SpongeBob is wearing boxing gloves and winds up, but accidentally knocks a fish's plate of food away. The fork flies into the ceiling and bounces into the trevally's head, deflating it.]
Trevally: [high-pitched voice, gives thumbs up] Nice punch, SpongeBob!
Sally: [off-screen] Body hair strength!
[An orange sailor pumps up his chest, then shreds a log of wood with his chest hair. He flicks the remaining toothpick away. Sally looks at SpongeBob, next to a giant block of wood.]
SpongeBob: Uh. Oh! I'll just use my abrasive side! [shows abrasive side on his back, laughs]
[SpongeBob carves the wood into a sculpture of his opponent.]
Orange sailor: [gasps] Aww. [tears up, sniffs, and holds it]
Sally: [holds SpongeBob by one arm] I declare the toughest guy at The Salty Spitoon... [spits] is SpongeBob SquarePants. [everyone cheers and applause]
[A giant eel's medal falls off her tail and crushes SpongeBob.]
SpongeBob: Whoo!
Shark patron: As our tough guy leader, [unrolls "Charter of Tough", dated 1848] you have the power to do whatever you want.
SpongeBob: Well, in that case, I've got a few [morphs his face] wild ideas for this place.
French Narrator: [narrating time card] One day later...
[The ducks are seen about to cross the street when something rushes by and makes the mother duck lose her feathers. Close-up of a barracuda's fin. A bug hits the barracuda's teeth, and a windshield wiper pushes it off. Shot of the barracuda riding his motorycle. Reg is reading a newspaper, notices him, and screams. When he throws his paper away, he is seen in a pink outfit. The motoryclists circle around the Salty Spitoon. The leader stops and steps out.]
Barracuda: All right, guys. Prepare to rumble in the toughest place in Bikini Bottom! [spits]
Motocyclists: [cheering]
Barracuda: [enters] Huh? [growls]
[Shots are shown of two sailors having a tea party, tough fish painting one holding a lollipop, and Mo reading books with two twin-looking fish. The barracuda looks outside and repeatedly compares the Salty Spitoon's sign to Weenie Hut Jr's.]
Barracuda: Yeah, no, no, no, no. This is the right place. [screams] What's going on in here? I demand to speak to whoever's in charge. [grits teeth accompanied by gun reloading sound]
[The patrons talk quietly. SpongeBob marches up like an old west gunslinger. He steps on a stool and raises his chef hat.]
SpongeBob: Welcome, stranger.
Barracuda: Oh. [chuckles] Why is the cheese talking to me?
SpongeBob: You asked to speak with the tough leader?
Barracuda: No, no, really, who let this guy in here?
SpongeBob: I see you're admiring the new décor.
Sailor: [in cutesy outfit, raising teacup] Tell him how it is, lad!
SpongeBob: I'll do him one better. [singing] ♪ Ohhh...
[The customers all turn and face him, joining SpongeBob's note.]
Barracuda: Hey, what's happening?
[Bubble transition to the exterior of the building. A fish is repainting the sign to "The Softy Spitoon."]
SpongeBob: [singing a version of his own theme song] ♪ Come one and come all to the Softy Spitoon! ♪
Softy Spitoon customers: [as words appear on the sign] ♪ Softy Spitoon! ♪
SpongeBob: [gives Mo a cupcake and balloon] ♪ Where all of our cupcakes come with a balloon! ♪
Softy Spitoon customers: [words appear on balloons] ♪ Softy Spitoon! ♪
SpongeBob: [kisses some customers and hugs the shark patron] ♪ If you like head kisses and cuddly hugs! ♪
Softy Spitoon customers: [words appear on the shark's jacket as the octopus waves a magic wand] ♪ Softy Spitoon! ♪
Puppet eel: ♪ Then raise up your milk with "I Heart Mom" mugs! ♪
Softy Spitoon customers: [text appears in candy cane font] ♪ Softy Spitoon! ♪
SpongeBob: ♪ Ready? ♪
SpongeBob and the Softy Spitoon customers: ♪ Softy-♪
Barracuda: [raises the screen] Enough! You're acting like a bunch of weenies.
Whale shark: Weenies? We have those, and they are to die for. [gives the barracuda a weenie on a toothpick] A dab of freshly pickled relish, perhaps? [puts relish on it]
[The barracuda slaps the toothpick and bowl away, making the whale shark cry.]
Barracuda: [pokes him] Hey! There ain't no cryin' in The Softy-- I mean The Salty Spitoon.
Whale patron: Well, there is now, buttercup. And if you don't like it, you can hike it!
Barracuda: [presses against him] Oh, yeah?
Whale patron: [rolls up sleeves] Yeah!
[The patrons all get into a fight. Mr. Krabs walks to the restaurant.]
Mr. Krabs: Well, let's see how SpongeBob is doing. This oughta be good. [enters and sees everyone fighting]
Sally: Krabs, what are you doin' here? The week ain't up yet.
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob isn't giving you a problem?
Sally: Problem? Nah, he's the belle of the ball.
[As two customers are fighting, SpongeBob rides in on his unicycle and feeds one a cupcake, then gives him a balloon.]
Sally: In fact, the customers like him so much, I'm gonna keep him on permanently.
Mr. Krabs: You can't do that! He's coming back with me right now!
Sally: [rolls up sleeves] Oh, yeah?
Mr. Krabs: [snaps claws] Yeah!
[Sally grabs Mr. Krabs' eyestalks and they get into a fight. SpongeBob comes in on his unicycle and takes Mr. Krabs out.]
SpongeBob: I better take you home, Mr. Krabs. This place is much too tough for you. [morphs face] You might get hoit, see?
Mr. Krabs: [being lifted onto SpongeBob's back] Whoa!
SpongeBob: Fare thee well, you old Softy Spitoon. We'll always have... [spits]
[Sally sees Mr. Krabs riding SpongeBob away.]
Sally: Huh? Hey, everybody! That guy is kidnapping our leader!
[The fighting crowd chases after Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob over a reprise of the Softy Spitoon song.]
SpongeBob and the Softy Spitoon customers: ♪ Softy Spitoon! Softy Spitoon! Softy Spitoon! ♪
[Zoom back in to show the interior of the Softy Spitoon. The kitchen's employee of the month wall now has a section featuring pictures of SpongeBob, now captioned "Employee of Da Year."]
SpongeBob: [laughs]
[The last few notes of the theme song play.]